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Original poster

What next?

58 replies

Weekonthecheese · 26/10/2014 10:40

I'm 43. I'm married, not happily, and have three very small children. We've been together for 10 years and married for 9.
When I was 25 I met and fell in love with (S). I adored him, we were together for 4 years, and we split up because I wanted to settle down and get married and he said he didn't. It was a bit on off, he's in the forces and was away a lot, and it was either perfect or awful. The sex was always amazing.
But after we split he met and married someone else and they had two children. I was devastated, but threw myself into my job, moved away and eventually met DH. S got back in touch about 6 years ago and told me he was getting divorced. At the time I was curious but also hugely pregnant and wished him well but left it there.

My marriage is v wobbly I think. My husband has a very low sex drive and isn't interested in fixing the intimacy in our marriage. Despite my protestations he doesn't seem to hear how unhappy I am. He's been for one session of counselling about why he's effectively sexually rejected me for years and in his own way is making some efforts but that's it.
Out of the blue I had an EA with an old boyfriend from college. It was like he flicked a switch in my head which allowed me to feel sexual again. It's ended and is completely over. I was so so shocked that I did it. I was still curious about S though and tipsy one night, emailed him. He replied straightaway to say he was divorced and single, that he regretted ever losing me, he'd married his wife because she was a safe bet, that he'd been a coward and he'd always loved me.
I was astonished, really blown away. I don't know what to think. I loved him with all my heart, and breaking up with him wiped me out. He isn't offering any solutions, he's in the forces and his home is 300 miles away. We've talked for hours over the last few days. He's very contrite and keeps talking about a second chance and how he should have fought for me.
We have agreed to meet for a drink to talk things through further. My head is killing me.
In an ideal world I'd live happily ever after with my husband and kids, but I also wonder is this another chance at the happiness I once had, or even a satisfying sex life. (I've posted on here before about it.)
Please be gentle, I feel like I've been spun round and round and can't think straight.

OP posts:
neiljames77 · 26/10/2014 11:45

I think the advice you're getting on here, despite being very good, will go in one ear and out of the other.
You'll meet 's' and have sex whatever the circumstances. It probably won't last though. It's how you deal with things afterwards that'll be the bigger issue.

Original poster
Weekonthecheese · 26/10/2014 11:47

Ok well clearly I'm giving the wrong impression. We won't be "meeting for sex". I haven't seen him in over a decade and my best outcome is I see him and think "ugh"!
And draw a line under it and either refocus on my marriage or leave it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weekonthecheese · 26/10/2014 11:49

That's a good point vivacia.

OP posts:
pictish · 26/10/2014 11:53

You're paving yourself the way to an 'understandable' affair.
Don't take S at his word. He's making grand proclamations, but he doesn't know you any more, and you both have children in the mix.

He's being pretty full on tbh. The things he's saying to you are totally inappropriate - what sort of prick says things like that to a married woman?

Stop lapping it up, and concentrate on dealing with what actually matters - your marriage.
If it needs to end, then end it.

S is nothing to do with it.

pictish · 26/10/2014 11:56

Say you meet and fall into each other's arms. What about when he gets bored with you? Will you become another ill thought out, safe bet to the next woman he decides is a better prospect for him?

Why not? He's got form for it.

Isetan · 26/10/2014 12:29

I'm not meeting him for sex! Absolutely not. No chance.
Yeah right, who are you kidding. What haven't/ can't you say to this man, that you haven't already said and which requires a face to face meet.

This is your second EA and soon to be first physical one. This is a fantasy and your trial runs at finding the 'right' man whilst married and supposedly exclusive, aren't the actions of a confused woman but a cowardly one.

It's OK to end your marriage but conducting auditions for your H's replacement without his knowledge isn't.

Original poster
Weekonthecheese · 26/10/2014 12:30

I didn't think I was "lapping it up" Sad

And yes you make some good points. I'm trying to get my head straight. And I won't be falling into his arms, of this I am very sure.
I think I'd like closure somehow? To know for 100% sure that it couldn't work.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 26/10/2014 12:31

Answer honestly, why don't you separate from your husband first?

pictish · 26/10/2014 12:49

I think I'd like closure somehow? To know for 100% sure that it couldn't work.

You had closure years ago, when you split over him not wanting to commit, followed by him skipping off to immediately get married and have kids with someone else.

Stop it.

Original poster
Weekonthecheese · 26/10/2014 12:49

Because I keep hoping my husband will sort out our sex life.
Because he's the father of my 3 kids so why would I explode their lives on the basis of something that might not work, without even discussing it?
As for not having sex with the ex, even if I wanted to, what town do you live in that you can meet someone for drinks and shag them there and then? We are meeting in a public place, and then going home, in opposite directions. There will be no sex.
I don't think I'm auditioning for a replacement for my husband. I've just kept a lid on how I've felt for the longest time.

OP posts:
Novida · 26/10/2014 12:51

Week, I think you need to separate the issues here. You will only confuse yourself even more adding any kind of relationship with S to your already muddled mind.
You owe it to your DH to resolve this issue with your husband. It would appear that little has changed between you and DH since you wrote your thread in August. I would be advising S that you have issues to resolve and need to be left alone to do so.
With this in mind, have a good long think. Ask yoursel if you are really in love with your DH. Only you can answer that question.
If not are you staying with him because of what everyone else will think, or because of the children?
If do, is this really fair on him, the children and ultimately you?

Novida · 26/10/2014 12:52

If so....Smile

Vivacia · 26/10/2014 12:54

Because I keep hoping my husband will sort out our sex life.

How can he sort out your sex life when you're emotionally invested elsewhere and giving another man all of this time and effort? Since when is sex one person's responsibility??

You've already risked you family with an affair in the past. It's just luck that's prevented it already exploding.

CurtWild · 26/10/2014 12:58

It sounds like your DH provides a comfortable, if passionless, life, which is why you're hesitant to end it over the possibility of things working out with your ex. It would seem, from an outsider's perspective, that your DH would basically be your crash mat so that if you do succumb to temptation, you'll still have him and he'll be none the wiser.

Another pount is if your sex drives are so mismatched then ending it would be far fairer to both of you. He could move on to perhaps find someone with a lower sex drive and you can find someone with a higher one.

Also..the ex said he didn't want to marry and have DC, and yet that's exactly what he did do with someone else. That makes no sense at all really.

NewEraNewMindset · 26/10/2014 13:12

Oh for god sake Week, stop acting like you are in a Bronte novel. If you two get on famously and want to extend an evening there are many avenues to 'get yourself a room'. Don't be so naive.

neiljames77 · 26/10/2014 13:23

I would imagine that 's' is saying he wasn't ready for a relationship at the time but now he's grown up a bit, he realises that he should have given it a go with you because you're the one he really wants.
It's not like you have to break the ice with him and your husband is just pure ice that won't thaw.
You've already stated that the sex was great with him previously.
You're in a difficult, emotional turmoil and I wouldn't judge or blame you for whatever you decide to do. Just be honest with yourself and try and look in to the future and weigh up what you are going to do with the consequences of your actions.

Vivacia · 26/10/2014 13:28

Just be honest with yourself

But dishonesty with everyone else is ok?

Original poster
Weekonthecheese · 26/10/2014 16:45

Novida yes you're right - there's some unpicking to be done. I'm just finding it hard to get my head straight - this was so out of the blue.

Curtwild
"Also..the ex said he didn't want to marry and have DC, and yet that's exactly what he did do with someone else. That makes no sense at all really."

I know. That's something I'd really like to get straight - whether he really is rewriting history or whether that's what happened. My suspicion is that he's constructed this in his head so that the "only" mistake he made was marrying the wrong girl, rather than getting married and then cocking it up.

NewEra, there will be no "getting a room." I have to be home, and wouldn't even consider such a thing.

NeilJames77 that's a v good summary. Thankyou.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weekonthecheese · 15/11/2014 13:19

An update:

Despite long begging talks with my DH he is reluctant to go for counselling as he says they'll take up stuff he can't remember and he has no idea how our marriage came to be the sexless shell it is now but all we can do is forget that and move forward. I however, can't forget being sexually rejected for years and years. In every talk/row we have had , he hasn't once said anything about how he feels for me, it's all been about the financials and the kids.

I told my family how bad it was. - even the sex stuff, and said we are probably going to separate and that I am seeing a solicitor.

And as discussed I saw the ex, we talked and cried, he's said he will wait, and I've made it very clear that I need to extricate myself from my marriage without him being any part of it, and see where we are then. He agrees totally.

So practicalities ; do I just go NC? Sad And call him when I've moved out? Or the Nisi? Or the Absolute? And how the hell do I unpick my marriage with the least possible injury to all?

I initially wanted a separation but my solicitor said that for various reasons if I'm going to file then I should do it sooner rather than later.

All advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weekonthecheese · 16/11/2014 17:27

Anyone?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 16/11/2014 18:06

How have you got 3 children under the age of four if you haven't had sex for years? Confused

Regarding OM, I think you're making this into a bigger drama than you need to. I would recommend that you sort out your separation first and, once you are single, give it a good year before you think about getting back in touch.

Use the time to build a life on your own two feet first and get some counselling for yourself.

Original poster
Weekonthecheese · 16/11/2014 18:44

Thanks for your response - on the other thread I linked to, I explained we had ivf.

OP posts:
ExtraVolume · 16/11/2014 19:00

I would recommend a year of living on your own before getting involved with anyone.

You will have been through all the anniversaries/special events. You will have adjusted to living on your own and coping with a new life. There will be some hard points and you need to feel that you are not floundering and looking for help. That will build your confidence and self esteem, which is useful in creating a healthy relationship.

Original poster
Weekonthecheese · 16/11/2014 19:05

Thankyou. So in other words you think I should cut contact with OM for a YEAR? Sad

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 16/11/2014 19:16

Yes, OP, you will need a year to know what you really want. Why did you have ivf with him when your relationship was in such a bad way? You've brought 3 children into this and now you want to go chasing after another man?

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