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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is your dh home from work yet?

51 replies

admylin · 02/10/2006 20:06

Mine isn't and it's 9pm over here in Germany.
When do your dh's get home?
I don't know but it seems like he's married to his lab not to me, and his microscope contraptions are his kids not our ds and dd. Just sending them off to bed, another night without even seeing dad all day, times like this I wonder why we bother to stay.
Rant over, dh isn't even around to get nagged and ranted at.

OP posts:

themoon666 · 02/10/2006 20:25

admylin.... my DH has always been a severe workaholic. It is a rare weekend when he does family things with us. He is mostly holed up in the study at home, wired up to laptop, palm-pilot thingy and mobile phone.

If I ask him to stop coz it's the weekend, his reply is always 'just coz it's the weekend doesn't mean the work goes away you know'. All said in a 'telling off' kind of voice to make me feel guilty.

SherlockLGJ · 02/10/2006 20:26

If like my DH he works for an American company then it can be difficult to get away, as the states don't get in to work, until they are half way through their day.

BudaBeast · 02/10/2006 20:26

DH out of house by 7am, usually home around 7.15/7.30.

imnot27 · 02/10/2006 20:27

Ahhh, don't feel guilty moon! I think the time has passed when blokes can live in the office and women have to do everything with the kids!

Original poster

admylin · 02/10/2006 20:27

foxinsocks that is a good question! He is sort of his own boss, he has a project to do and he has to see how and when he completes it to a certain time limit but he also does extra work and tutors/supervises students (mostly male so no worries there!) and in the mornings he is usually still in bed when we get up as the kids have to be at school for 8am and they get up at 7am . As he goes to bed after 1am on average, he gets up later, that means at 8:30 when I get back from the school trip and he goes out at 9:30, so we have that short time each day to talk about things and he is half asleep or in the bathroom. Am I too soft?

OP posts:

SherlockLGJ · 02/10/2006 20:27

Buda

My nearly twin.

imnot27 · 02/10/2006 20:28

Admylin, yes you are, or you wouldn't be asking!

foxinsocks · 02/10/2006 20:30

well he obviously loves his work!

yes, I think in your shoes I'd be asking for a bit more work-family balance. If his work is project based, could he possibly try and take a day off at the end of each project?

I think the problem with supervising students is that you then feel a responsibility to be there to help them etc. etc.

I really don't think you would be out of order to either suggest he takes a day off at the end of each project or perhaps nominates a day in the week where he comes home at a reasonable hour.

foxinsocks · 02/10/2006 20:32

I also think perhaps now is the time to remind him that although you think it's wonderful that he enjoys his work and takes it all so seriously that he actually has a wife and children and entered into something called a marriage and sometimes it would actually be quite nice to feel that you were in this whole parenting lark together.

Original poster

admylin · 02/10/2006 20:32

Maybe I should start the no tea and no sex treatment ! But I think he will just do the same as themoon666 said her dh does. Mine is always saying he is doing it for his career but he is already high enough up the career ladder for my liking.

OP posts:

imnot27 · 02/10/2006 20:32

Hurrah, well said Foxinsocks! Good luck Admylin!

Original poster

admylin · 02/10/2006 20:35

foxinsocks, you are right, thanks and I think it is time for a showdown, I get all brave and prepared for on ebut in the end I'm always a wimp and chicken out or he comes in all happy and excited because his work was accepted for publication or his experiments worked after months oftrying ..then I just think , OK showdown later.

OP posts:

BudaBeast · 02/10/2006 20:43

LGJ!

imnot27 · 02/10/2006 20:43

I find drinking a bottle of wine often helps with a showdown

foxinsocks · 02/10/2006 20:44

I know - it's one of those things that's easy to think/write about but hard to put into practice.

However, it's obviously getting to you. Sometimes partners forget that a good marriage often needs a bit of work (and sometimes quite a lot!) - you're feeling put apon, the children aren't getting to see their dad and it's probably time that you let him know how you are feeling before you get too resentful about the whole situation.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

brimfull · 02/10/2006 20:48

My dh used to do long hours when dd was little,now he's home by 5-5:30pm it's fab!
Changed careers btw

Mumbojumbo · 02/10/2006 20:54

DH home on Friday - in San Francisco this week. Usually home about 7pm if in the office.

TrickOrTref · 02/10/2006 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

tribpot · 02/10/2006 21:08

Right, a different perspective. I am a f-t WOHM, although I work from home a lot, dh is a SAHD, although he is chronically ill so not reasonable to expect him to cope for long periods.

Tonight I had a long-standing arrangement to have a few beers with work colleagues/friends. Ds is a bit under the weather just now - coldy/coughy/vomity/etc.

Phoned dh at 4:30 to ascertain okay to even go to the pub.

Phoned dh at 5:30 to ascertain okay to stay for another one.

6:30 dh phones me to ask why I am not at home.

Leave pub soon after as baby not happy - although not distraught, otherwise I wouldn't even have gone out at all.

Essentially I think virtually no bloke would have done what I did. I don't care - all that matters to me is my family. But it does make me laugh. This was my one night out this month (and I do mean October) but I never intended to stay later than 6:30.

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 02/10/2006 21:12

No - he's on nights, won't be back 'til 9.30 am. I have the bed to myself, brill

themoon666 · 02/10/2006 22:15

admylin.... I put up with it because DH has been made redundant four times in the past, leaving us with severe financial strains.

He is very insecure about his job now, which is why he works, works and works some more I think. I know in my heart he is working hard for me and kids, so I don't feel I should be whingeing about it tbh.

Judy1234 · 02/10/2006 22:18

I have stayed out late working before now to avoid the hassle of bed time. It is easy to get into that pattern and then come home to a quiet house and sleeping children. Well known tactic. One way to deal with it is for both of you to work and neither career to be better paid or important and then alternate who gets home first. Another way is just accept it. A third way is to change people by constant nagging and rows. I'm not sure the third way works very well in practice.

alexsCURSEDMUMMY · 02/10/2006 22:25

dh is doing an all nighter tonight and won't be ahome to about 5am
really miss him

pacinofan · 02/10/2006 22:31

No, away again for 2 nights but home (briefly) tomorrow for about 12 hours. Really, really miss him and find that 'mad' hour just before bedtime, i.e feeding/bathing/getting dd1 and dd2 ready for bed etc really hard going without him.

The only good thing about having a dh who works away (if there is a 'good' thing) is that it makes us bicker less about trivial stuff 'cos we know time is just too precious! Oh, and of course I can come on Mumsnet as much as I like!

Waswondering · 02/10/2006 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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