Resigned to the single life

[SingleForever]

Anyone else feeling resigned to the single life?
Most of the time I quite enjoy being single. Occasionally I feel lonely but I think dealing with a bit of loneliness is probably preferable to the alternative.

I'm looking on the positive side, I get to do what I want, when I want and I have plenty of time for my kids, to read, to go to the cinema and pursue my interests.

Would you like to meet someone or prefer to stay single? I was having a conversation with my mum about this yesterday. My dad passed away 3 years ago and my mum can't imagine wanting to be with anyone else. Whilst for me, I was dumped earlier this year and it made me realise that although my ex wasn't right for me, I would like to have a long term partner to build a future with.

Yep it's been 4 years since I separated from my exh 3 years since the divorce came through and I've not meet anyone new not even come close to it, although to be honest I wasn't remotely interested for the first 18 months.
But I have meet several women through my job who were in the same position as well and they have meet new partners years later when they had well and truly resigned themselves to be single forever. One lady was on her own for 12 years and then as she put it meet the love of her life
I'm still learning to be happy on my own and put the past behind me so maybe I'm just not ready

Sure, it would be great to meet someone who I love and who loved me back, and where it wasn't hard work, but I think I'm too old for it now. I'm nearly 40 and being with anyone would mean too much compromise and work.

It's not worth trying, so I'm not even trying to meet new people. It's kind of a relief to not try anymore and 'opt-out' of all that.

Single Forever, you're only 5 years younger than me. I have known a couple to meet and marry in their 80s so there's never a cut off point for love in terms of age.

I don't want to resign myself to being single for ever. I won't compromise though and go out with 'mr alright for now'

You say "nearly 40" like your life is over!

I'm resigning myself too - but it doesn't feel right. I like the teamwork of a relationship and to have someone with whom I can talk 'shorthand', ie be understood very very easily.

I was widowed 14 years ago, had a seven year relationship that didn't work out and now feel totally lost. I'm 49 and doing what I can to readjust to singledom.

Single. You are still very young. I'm 5 years older than you,
my aunt meet her new partner when she was 65 they were both widows and they had 12 very happy years together.

OP, you're not even 40 so how is that 'too old'? In all likelihood you're probably less than half way through your life. Would you genuinely be happy spending the next 40-odd years without a partner, especially after your kids leave home?

Your tone of voice sounds quite low and down tbh - 'resigned to single life', 'not worth trying', 'opt out'. You say that being single is preferable to the alternative - what, in your opinion, do you think the alternative is? You say you have plenty of time for your kids, to go to cinema and read etc - a good relationship will still give/allow/enable all of that too .

Do you think you could be depressed or socially anxious? I only ask because I've been single for nearly 9 years and until a few years ago I felt like you - I could have written your OP back then and probably did. I didn't really date much if at all, I felt resigned to singledom and couldn't be arsed to make the effort to meet new people, male or female, and preferred being cocooned inside my comfort zone. I then had CBT for stress and anxiety and through that it came to light that I was very socially anxious and lacked confidence, and in order to protect myself I declared (to myself and others) that I wasn't interested in meeting anyone, cba to go out, was happy by myself etc. CBT helped me to work through how I felt and what my fears were and slowly I started to have a more balanced life. I haven't met the man of my dreams yet (not sure he exists ), nor am I out on the lash every night of the week, but I've been dating on and off, going out with friends and colleagues a bit more, attended a few courses, workshops and seminars alone (which I'd never have done previously) and joined a running club.

If I meet a decent man then I expect that a certain amount of 'compromise and work' will be necessary but I'm in charge of myself, so if a relationship involves too much compromise or becomes way too much like hard work, then I have the option of ending it. That said, meeting a partner was never my main intention or my sole reason for the for the changes and improvements I've made - deep down I wasn't truly happy with my life but I was in denial. My main intention was to improve my life, make more connections and challenge myself a bit. I no longer reside full time within my comfort zone and life is much more enjoyable now.

Just something to think about with regard to your own situation but you will need to be completely honest with yourself.

I'm 42 by the way, and I don't believe in 'too late'.

But I do understand I hAve had very low moments where I have sat and cried at the thought of never having someone 'special ' in my life.
I find school holidays, Xmas etc extra hard. It's half term where we are now and lots of my friends and family are off doing stuff. Off Caravanning or off to theme parks etc. as a single parent my budget is so tight I can't plan much especially when Xmas isn't far away.

Sorry didn't mean to end that on a negative note. You aren't allowed be op so keep posting.

I don't think of myself as 'resigned' (very negative). Prefer to class myself as a free agent, able to pick and choose, rather than tied down to one person for the duration. â?º

I've resigned myself to it too. XP was kicked out 6yrs ago and what with the dc's, work and trying to juggle everything I don't have a moment to meet anyone. What would I tell them, I could meet them again in 5 months when I might have a free afternoon . My mum and my sister have moved away, my dad died and my stepmum has her own life, I don't have people to look after the kids anymore. I don't get time to know other school parents because I work.

Thanks for all the replies. Perhaps I am a bit low, and although I am not generally socially anxious on the occasions I do meet someone I like I turn into a tongue-tied twit who cannot think of a single interesting thing to say.

I do realise that 40 isn't that old, what I meant by that was that I am quite set in my ways and others my age will probably be set in their own ways. It just feels like an insurmountable hill to climb to get to the point of having a relaxed relationship, like my first was. We were 20 when we met and things were so easy, no kids, no baggage etc.

It feels easier at this point to focus on career and kids and give up on the rest.

Reading back, I do sound pretty down, don't I?

I have, and I'm pretty content for the most part.
I'm an older single mum (46) to a toddler so I haven't exactly got a stampede of eligible men beating a path to my door...
I like my life, I have good friends and I'm busy. Every now and again though, I get a bit wistful if I see a couple in a really good relationship - but they seem to be pretty rare in my experience!
Hopefully I'll meet someone one day, but as a poster above said, it's nice to just not look, relax and concentrate on other stuff.

I think there is a difference between resigning yourself to being single and choosingto be single.

I am currently in the process of leaving my H, I'm pretty sure I will choose to be single for a good while and won't feel resigned to it at all.

Cogito free agent - I like that

Meglet I'm lucky enough to have a bit of childcare as the kids go to their dads every other weekend, but I work very hard during the week and often all weekend when the kids aren't here. I am invited out to stuff occasionally but I rarely can make it for one reason or another.

I think you should stop thinking about it too much. Resign yourself to living and enjoying everyday. I was very hurt and unhappy a few years ago and gave up and wanted the security of bring by myself and next thing met dh. Without thinking about it.

Do stuff for you, go on holidays or whatever makes you happy. When you are happy you are more likely to attract the right person.

I may be talking rubbish here but only my own experience.

Margot That's true, I rarely see really good relationships.

SoftKitty I'm trying to work on myself, as you say with no intention of meeting someone, and hope that if I become completely happy and fulfilled in myself then either I'll meet someone right for me or at worst I'll be happy alone. Seems like a win-win.

I 'think' I have also resigned myself to a single life... I say 'think' because the idea scares me to death.
I was married to a complete waste of space for far too long and finished up with so much debts (all in my name) that it took me years and years to pay it all off.
I have worked hard to have my own house, savings and to feel secure and confident in my life and wouldn't give that up very easily.
I was in a long distance relationship after my marriage which ended about 2 years ago and I loved him because our minds matched. We could talk about everything and I want that again.
I have tried on line dating but to be honest at my age (57) the men on there have much to be desired and I am probably far too fussy.

It's obviously a lot of effort and time to try and meet someone else but it does sound like you want to, so put the effort in & you'll get the benefit in the future. If you struggle on dates etc, think about places where you're more relaxed, or places where there is more to talk about or do. It could be a pub where you can have a drink or two but that can be intense with just one other person, so going somewhere interesting or activity based might help the conversation flow?

The benefit of dating when you're a bit older is that people are generally more serious about wanting to settle down so a lot of people you meet will be in the same situation

I'd see it as a numbers game, treat dates as practice and grow your confidence that way

The actual day I met dh I sat at my kitchen table and told my friends I was done with dating and for the next two years I was going to concentrate on my career, children and healing from my 18 yr marriage ending four years previously!
We have been together 8 yrs now

I do understand and know what you mean. Maybe try and write a list of hobbies or interests you have and try to do one of those. It will help you get out and meet new people.
As for me; My split was fairly recent and I'm in no way ready. With 2 children and work since the split apart from them being at school im never without them. They don't want contact with their dad and he's not been in contact to see them so I get no break. I don't have anytime to see anyone even if I did meet someone.

Oh, that sounded really whingy . Can you tell the dc's have already driven me mad today.

I agree with others that say it's rare to see a couple in a really good relationship so many people are unhappy and just getting by but can't or won't change anything. I have had several women come to me and say how 'lucky' I am to have done what I've done and now have the freedom to be on my own.

They do say when you are single all you see is couples holding hands and and when you are unhappily married all you see is single gals out on the town having fun, or something like that anyway and it's true!