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Original poster

Resigned to the single life

47 replies

SingleForever · 26/10/2014 07:34

Anyone else feeling resigned to the single life?
Most of the time I quite enjoy being single. Occasionally I feel lonely but I think dealing with a bit of loneliness is probably preferable to the alternative.

I'm looking on the positive side, I get to do what I want, when I want and I have plenty of time for my kids, to read, to go to the cinema and pursue my interests.

OP posts:
Chrissy41 · 26/10/2014 09:25

I am enjoying singledom now - and would only give it up for someone pretty fabulous. I certainly won't go out looking for someone. It can be tough not having someone to lean on in tough times - I think you end up leaning on yourself instead.

Original poster
SingleForever · 26/10/2014 09:30

I really don't want someone enough to 'play the numbers game', that sounds like a lot of energy for probably little reward.

Chrissy41 That's exactly how I feel at the moment. No way am I giving up doing exactly what I like, when I like unless they were pretty spectacular. I've had some pretty tough times and have coped, and know I can do so again.

OP posts:
Chrissy41 · 26/10/2014 09:48

I agree - I don't just want 'someone' for the sake of it. It would have to be a pretty impressive bloke that convinces me to want to trust him and have a relationship now. Am prob far too cynical and untrusting now - but also hopefully have much more belief in myself. Having survived the break up from hell - I would hope I can survive pretty much anything now! Onwards - or sommat like that...

GoatsDoRoam · 26/10/2014 10:54

I'm really happy being single, but also quite like the idea of meeting someone who thinks I'm great and who I think is great too. I think that will be the key to making the necessary compromises. Because of course there will be compromises.

Until that day comes, if it does, I'm focussing on doing the job of thinking that I'm great, myself. It's a pretty new thing for me, but feels fantastic: like this, I know I'm fine and happy, in OR out of a relationship.

So I would say: rather than "resigning" yourself to being "single", which makes it sound like coupledom is the default position, be happy and content in your own greatness.

Original poster
SingleForever · 26/10/2014 10:59

Excellent advice Goats, thank you. On my more positive days I do feel that way, I have just lost my way a little recently.

OP posts:
Pandora37 · 26/10/2014 15:20

I agree that saying you're resigned does sound negative, as though you have no choice in the matter. I'm choosing to be single as I want to focus on my career and IME relationships take up too much of my time and energy. What I'd really like is a friend who I see once a week or so who I can have sex with but also go out with and have fun with no romantic obligations. It's actually more difficult than I thought it would be finding someone to even fulfil that role. I do know a guy who is younger than me, is great fun, and not interested in a conventional relationship so he'd be perfect for this but he lives too far away from me really.

I'm also very cynical and don't trust people. I think I'll need to get through a hell of a lot of therapy before I even consider having a serious relationship again. Although I've been fairly convinced since childhood that I'll never get married but that if I do, it will be when I'm much older (in my 50s or 60s).

Wrapdress · 26/10/2014 15:41

I would just focus on making yourself interesting by doing interesting things. Don't "resign" yourself to anything. It sounds defeatist. There is nothing wrong with being single. You haven't failed.

Original poster
SingleForever · 26/10/2014 16:34

Yep, I am trying to focus on doing stuff I like and being a bit more reflective rather than going through life on autopilot.

OP posts:
SoleSource · 26/10/2014 17:01

sent you a rambling pm OP lucky you :)

holdyourown · 26/10/2014 17:16

I wouldn't say resigned either but am happy to be single for now and often I think for the forseeable few years as I'd rather spend the energy on my dcs while I can, on my hobbies, work and study. Sometimes it would be nice to have someone around but at the moment it feels like that could only be on a very casual basis, although later on when the dcs leave home I would love a relationship more then

ittooshallpass · 26/10/2014 17:26

I too am an older single mum. 47 with a 5 year old. I have no support and DDs contact with her dad is sporadic at best. I work full time and can totally relate to finding that I have no time to do things I like, never mind dating. It makes me sad to think that I could be single for quite a while yet. I've tried online dating and found it very difficult to find anyone in my own age bracket who wants to date someone with such a young child. So... I do understand the 'resigned' comment, but would like to think that as my DO gets older things will change. I remain ever optimistic! And enjoy having full control over my home after an awful EA relationship. OP you may feel like you're stuck in a rut, but life can change in the blink of an eye.

SpicedGingerTea · 26/10/2014 17:53

Not really resigned, rather accepting of it at the moment.

I'm 38 and have an 18 month year old. Been separated for 2 years, going through a horrible divorce after an EA marriage. No input/support from my STBXH at all with childcare.

I understand my situation means it's unlikely I'll meet anyone at the moment. I have tried online dating, but no real success - once men realise how young my DS is they tend to lose interest. I don't get much, if any, free time at the moment once work/childcare/housework etc is taken into consideration. And if I do get any, I'd rather be at home having a bath and an early night!

Like a few have said on here, I hope once my DS gets older I will get more time to pursue stuff for me. And may be with that will come meeting new people and possibly someone to date.

Sometimes I get lonely - weekends, bank holidays etc can be a bit shitty.

Dowser · 26/10/2014 18:24

After a 30 year plus marriage I decided when my divorce came through that I was too young to be on my own at 56.

Just 3 months after the ink dried on my decree absolute I met a lovely man on a dating site . 6 years later and we are getting married next year.

Do the math! I will be a 63 year old bride.

Couldnt be happier! Life is a blast . We are both retired and we are rarely at home.

Don't write yourself off!

I'm looking to have my ruby anniversary with him!

Cynical old me is starting to think you meet one man to have the kids with and the second to have fun with.

Sex is great ! We really have time for one another.

Couldn't be happier.

An no, we aren't rich Either. Just careful. We Look for the bargains.

Dowser · 26/10/2014 18:26

Lol! After an absolutely awful, exhausting and costly divorce I also told my solicitor to slap me if I ever kthought of remarrying!

Wineorcider · 26/10/2014 18:32

I loved being single. Just loved it.

Me in my little castle, doing what I wanted to do, not answerable to anybody else but myself.

I still have fond memories of going to the chippy on a Friday on the way home from work after paying my rent, having the heating/water on a timer so the flat was toasty warm when I got in from said chippy, then having a bath later and then slouching about in my trackies...with a glass of wine. Those were the days......(drifts off into another world emoticon)...Grin

The key is whether you like your own company or not. It depends on the type of person really, some need company, some don't.

It was easy for me because I am a bit of an introvert and I was happy spending time alone. And I never felt lonely.

Even now that I'm married, I enjoy time to myself when I get it.

juneybean · 26/10/2014 18:39

Yes I'm single and childless and just acquired a second cat, well on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady.

FolkGirl · 26/10/2014 18:51

I'm also 'resigned' to being single. But I'm not sad about it.

It is my choice at the moment; I have been asked out recently. But I'm really not interested. I've spent another childfree weekend having fun with my friends. I feel happy and attractive. I just don't have the time, or the inclination, tbh.

However there is a less positive side to it in that I don't really feel I have a choice. I'm so negative about, and hard on, myself that I'm incapable of sustaining a relationship. I feel more comfortable being single.

Crushed2914 · 26/10/2014 19:09

I do now. My husband left me for another woman just over a month ago. I had just had his baby. I haven't been single since I was 18, I'm now 31 & terrified. I feel like I need to be loved & to be part of a couple, I don't feel strong on my own & really don't know how I'm going to cope as a single parent. I don't think anyone will be interested in me with such a young baby, not to mention how down I feel about myself

Original poster
SingleForever · 26/10/2014 19:36

Sorry to hear that, Crushed. It will be very scary to begin with but you will get used to it and hopefully enjoy it.

Congratulations Dowser!

Wine I agree that it's about your personality and whether or not you enjoy time by yourself. I do love time by myself.

I'm feeling less lonely and low this evening, the resignation and fed-upness seems to come in waves. I've dreamed about my ex every night this week and I think it just ground me down a bit. Thanks for all the replies, it really helps to talk to others in the same position.

OP posts:
Kernowgal · 26/10/2014 19:48

I split up from my EA ex two years ago and until this summer I didn't even consider another relationship - just not interested in anyone or anything. But that's changed a bit over the summer, although only in that I'd quite like a casual relationship, FWB or whatever. It will take me a long time to trust someone so I'd rather just have a bit of fun first, dip my toe in that way.

I may well be single for the rest of my days but I agree entirely with what goatsdoroam said. I'm happy in my singledom and am probably looking for a lodger to share the bills plus a FWB for a regular shag rather than a deep, committed relationship Grin

Dowser · 26/10/2014 20:19

Thank you!

( I think lol)

MrWallet · 27/10/2014 00:08

I absolutely love being single 99 per cent of the time. I feel more contented being single. The 1 per cent would be the days when I feel a bit low and assume everyone is having a great life a la Facebook. I have recently deleted my account as retaining my equilibrium and contentment is my priority these days. I would however still love to meet a decent and thoughtful man if the opportunity arose.

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