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Original poster

How did u find out about OW

50 replies

blondebaby111 · 26/10/2014 07:32

Suspected dh for a while but no actual proof, just feel like I'm going round in circles. He says he isn't but then I don't know many men that would hold their hands up
And say 'yes I am' I'm at times a paranoid miserable wreak as I'm not sure so i just wondered, for those who's man did the dirty how did u find out???

OP posts:
NamesNick · 26/10/2014 07:36

what makes you suspect?

SanityClause · 26/10/2014 07:41

What makes you think there is an OW?

If he's emotionally distant, or there isn't enough sex for you, or whatever, then challenge him on these things. There doesn't have to be an OW for you to want more more from your partner than you are getting.

There could be all sorts of reasons why he has become distant. Worry, depression etc, but he needs to communicate them to you.

(In other words, you shouldn't have to put up with a crap relationship, OW or not!)

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/10/2014 07:43

In my case, he told me. In your case what you're clearly experiencing is mistrust and suspicion. Both of which are reason enough to end a relationship, of course. What is making you mistrust and suspect him?

Original poster
blondebaby111 · 26/10/2014 08:00

Too many things if rather not mention, the latest is I can't get hold of him for hrs at a time even tho he had his mob with him at all times and crazy spending on his cc to which last night when I asked he practically blew his top and said it's none if my business what he spends money on!! We've never had secrets ever, I'm not wearing my ring this morning I'm so angry with him Confused

OP posts:
NickiFury · 26/10/2014 08:02

I found text messages on his phone.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/10/2014 08:07

Do you see the CC statements? It's family money he's spending, after all.

Cooroo · 26/10/2014 08:08

She was a mutual friend. He gave her a lift to her hotel and didn't come back till 3am. And when I asked if something was going on he was angry about my lack of trust. (They've been married 12 years now, and I suspect are pretty miserable!)

Original poster
blondebaby111 · 26/10/2014 08:15

No last month he hid the whole lot as he said my accusations were doing his head in!! Obviously that made me feel worse. This month he has hidden the transaction but but I can see the amount spent last month and this month and it's ridiculous. He seems to think because he clears it each month there's no problem! But then all he is doing is spending a lot of his wage paying it off, why the secrecy. He works 'long' hours, we have a baby and haven't been out together to havens spend up and I'm not noticing any new clothes on him so where the bloody hell is it going?? I just can't get any answers , last night he really flew into a rage and to me MY behaviour and constantly checking up on his had destroyed us but all I wanted was an answer, all I said was ' your card is high this month, what have u been spending it on'?? Then the shit hit the fan and I got told to basically butt out!!

I then couldn't help myself and asked who is he wining and dining coz it not me and he just got more angry!! Sad

OP posts:
dementedma · 26/10/2014 08:18

Might not be on wining and dining. Could be gambling, addiction, debt....sorry, not trying to add to your worries but there could be other reasons.

Original poster
blondebaby111 · 26/10/2014 08:22

I'd be very shocked if it was gambling as he's dead against it! But who knows! I'm guessing ow I'm afraid as there's been a few coincidences with a female he works with, again I get to I'm mad, crazy, all my head etc.... I've heard it all these past few months. I just wish I had a crystal ball and knew. Or just leave me, it's better than the not knowing and suspecting

OP posts:
Dowser · 26/10/2014 08:37

Hmmm blonde baby that doesn't sound good. It sounds very suspect to me.

The best form of defence is attack!
And he is not just doing it in spades but with a fooking JCB!
Your gut feeling tells you something isn't right so I would trust it.

My piece of doo doo began with the age old I love you but I'm not in love with you speech and he was thinking of leaving me.

Then he started messing with my head. Said he was having an affair...then told me he wasn't because he wanted me to chuck him out!!!!

I upped my game then and made sure I didn't chuck him out....long story needed to get ducks in a row.

So began hunt for other woman. One night when he was out I went through everything and found what I was looking for.

Rang my friend and she had met her. Her h and my exh were friends.

I then interviewed some solicitors.

peasandlove · 26/10/2014 08:42

they always twist it back on you, make you doubt yourself to cover their own arses. If you suspect something is up, it's your instincts telling you something is up. Don't let him convince you that you are losing it.
Check his phone, check his emails, whatever, find the proof or you'll do your head in.
I knew something wasn't right. I checked emails and found all I needed to know. I confronted, got denial, I even ended up apologising for asking. But it still didn't sit right, so I asked again and got the truth.

Original poster
blondebaby111 · 26/10/2014 08:51

Somehow I really don't think he is gonna just tell, he's trying to make me feel as crap as possible. All I get is 'I'm stressed with work and yet again you've ruined my day' etc etc then I feel guilty but every few days there is something where I think that's odd, confront it and it turns into me feeling silly or crap, I really hate him right now! Part of me just wishes he would go, if there is ow she's welcome to him. Only thing I'm worried about is financially now we've got a baby I'm not earning much

OP posts:
peasandlove · 26/10/2014 08:55

do you know any of his colleagues that you could ask if there's anything funny going on with the colleague you mentioned?

Pinkandpurplehairedlady · 26/10/2014 08:57

In my case I was suspicious about someone who works for him. I googled her and found her Instagram that made it pretty obvious they were a couple. The final confirmation was when she posted a picture of him asleep in her bed with her.

however · 26/10/2014 09:01

Can you look up the details on internet banking, OP?

sandgrown · 26/10/2014 09:02

He left for a friend. She was being a bit strange and would not let me drop her at home after work even though it was very late. I parked close by and saw DH leave her house

Original poster
blondebaby111 · 26/10/2014 09:24

He's recently had promotion and moves around quite a bit so in my view they would be careful not to get caught by work colleauges. I did ask one who said 'no way, she's not a patch in you' but that means nothing. Facebook snoop she's younger than me but plumper and a bit old fashioned, would never think he'd throw it all away for her but I know they get on well, it's just how well.
Don't know passwords for his internet banking, we have seperate credit cards. If I did he prob change his password, he changed his Facebook one the minute he knew I was snooping, mainly on her page!! That when I noticed a few coincidences that I didn't like.
We are still not speaking, I can't be bothered to make any effort to be honest. I'm not gonna speak it sort it until he can show me online the statement, Fahrenheit to do so then out relationship is done, that's how I feel right now

OP posts:
ScrambledEggAndToast · 26/10/2014 09:27

My three year old son told me Shock He told me he had been on a picnic with daddy, grandad, nanny and OW. To say I was shocked was an understatement.

Original poster
blondebaby111 · 26/10/2014 09:29

Omg! You mean his parents knew Shock

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/10/2014 09:48

So he's defensive, aggressive and hiding his bank statements. I think it's a case of 'show me the money'... and then you'll have a place to start. Then again, if you've stopped caring, it might be quicker to tell him to step out for a while and cool his heels. Give him the chance to think long and hard about concepts like honesty.

SelfLoathing · 26/10/2014 09:58

Bank statements are in a lot of cases unlikely to show anything. You may get lucky and find a hotel but if the OW is single, they can go to her place. Restaurant payments are sometimes billed a couple of days later and could be plausibly explained as business meetings. The credit card being high may be tangentially related rather than directly - eg. new clothes, haircut, personal trainer etc. But I agree that it's odd in a relationship supposed to be built on trust he is so defensive.

Access to his email and/or phone is what you need here. The other way is next time he is out late or you are out/ away etc (ie. opportunity) ask him where he is going to be and go there. If he's not there, he's going to have some explaining to do.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/10/2014 10:00

If there were plausible explanations for the items on the CC bill, he would have shown the OP the bill and used the plausible explanations. No. There is something specific on the statements that cannot be plausibly explained. Could be anything at all and not necessarily an OW. That's why they are being hidden.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 26/10/2014 10:43

Yes they did blondebaby and they were quite blasé about the whole thing.

Original poster
blondebaby111 · 26/10/2014 11:17

That's shocking!
I'm staying strong, he's told me this morning after I said I need the car to take dd to her party I'll be back when I'm back, I owe you nothing and it's my car now ( he pays for it, it's in my name) I think he's hoping I'm gonna cave and try to sort it out, I'm prepared to go along way to shock him, I don't want to know at this moment and if he's gonna stoop so low to stop dd going to her friends party I'll swing for him!! I need the car for my job but it's just a car if that's the case I'll buy another one.

OP posts:
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