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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So if I didn't want him to leave, why do I feel so calm?

34 replies

Georgethesecond · 25/10/2014 20:23

DH and I have been together 21 years, married 17. We have two teenage sons, a mortgage free home and a happy life. Or so I thought until he decided to leave three weeks ago. I have not been sleeping, have lost weight, been tearful. I was dreading him telling the kids and leaving, which he did today. So why do I now feel so calm? I haven't shed a tear since he drove off.

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Ebayaholic · 25/10/2014 20:30

Sadly, it's probably just shock and it doesn't mean you will remain calm. Please call someone who can support you. Why did you husband say he was leaving? Thanks to you, be kind to yourself.

Original poster
Georgethesecond · 25/10/2014 20:40

He said he felt parts of our personalities were incompatible. The fact that he was diagnosed with depression three years ago hasn't helped. He feels I am overcritical and not loving towards him. Maybe you're right and it is just shock. He did a really good job of telling the kids.

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Ebayaholic · 25/10/2014 21:06

I'm so sorry. That doesn't seem like a good reason to end such a long term relationship as yours. Have you posted previously about this? Are you confused?

Original poster
Georgethesecond · 25/10/2014 21:18

No I haven't posted before. I have spoke to a couple of friends. And my parents.

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Original poster
Georgethesecond · 25/10/2014 21:19

I thought we should go to counselling. He didn't.

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Ebayaholic · 25/10/2014 21:33

Bump for you in the hope that someone more knowledgeable than me comes along. I'm sorry to say that the mumsnet consensus in the circumstances you describe above is that there may be more to your husbands decision than he is currently telling you, some sort of catalyst. Take each hour at a time, and please try to eat. What did your friends and parents say when you told them?

OttiliaVonBCup · 25/10/2014 21:38

Not being able to cry doesn't mean you are calm.
It seems you're still in shock.

The tears will come when you're ready. A good cry will help you feel free even though it might not feel like that at the time.

Good luck!

Original poster
Georgethesecond · 26/10/2014 07:45

Yes, I know the MN boards well, I have been here for years but I change my name periodically. No posts before he went because it probably would have been LTB.

I know it looks as though he has someone else. He has moved very suddenly to the much more glamorous area that we used to live in before we needed a bigger house. I have asked him, he says not. More a case of depression/ mid life crisis maybe.

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ChillingGrinBloodLover · 26/10/2014 07:54

I think it's probably the shock that he has actually gone through with it, to the point of telling the children and the relief that he has told them and did it well.

I don't think the calm will last, sadly.

They lie :( He wont want to be seen as 'The bad guy who left his wife for the OW', but I'll eat my laptop if he doesn't have a 'new girlfriend' quite soon :(

It's ChippingIn here - in halloween clothes. If we have chatted before and want a few people to know who you 'normally are' feel free to PM OK.

Use the 'calm' while it lasts to relax and gather a bit of strength, see friends, tell other people etc. Maybe cook some meals you can put in the freezer to pull out on rough days. Do something with the boys - if they'll let you Grin

... we're here with , Wine and steel capped boots when you need them x

Original poster
Georgethesecond · 26/10/2014 08:06

Thanks chipping. Yes, I know the script. Only too well, I was a divorce lawyer for 15 years FFS Sad

The version I got was the "I haven't been happy for some time" version.

I slept ok last night and I have had some toast for breakfast. He is coming round this afternoon for tea and cake. Maybe I am going to have the most civilised separation ever in the whole history of the world....

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mummytime · 26/10/2014 08:22

While you remain calm - get stocks of easy to eat foods available, pack up his stuff, and prepare.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

ChillingGrinBloodLover · 26/10/2014 08:32

Oh George :(

'I haven't been happy for some time' Right Hmm . I think I might have lost it at that point and said something quite crass about which hole he went down looking for happiness Hmm

You'd think the fool would know better wouldn't you!

Still, hopefully you will be able to reach a reasonable settlement between you, he'd be an (even bigger) idiot to push you into taking him to the cleaners!

He's coming around for tea & cake? WTF is that all about?

How old is he?

Civilised separation would be good - perhaps he's got just enough sense to see that by doing it this way he might come out with the shirt on his back.

PattyPenguin · 26/10/2014 08:37

While you're calm, George, may I suggest going to the CAB and getting as many free half-hour consultations with solicitors as you can?

Just in case it turns out, at some point, not to be the most civilised eparation ever in the whole history of the world.

mammadiggingdeep · 26/10/2014 08:46

Sorry you're going through this.

You may feel calm because now he's actually done it and left, the worst has happened iykwim. In my experience I found the build up to my break up worse...the idea of it, the hurt that it was going to happen, the lack of control.

Can I ask why he's coming over for tea and cake?? He's left you, and his family but wants to come and visit the next day? I would imagine you'll feel pain watching him leave again. Personally I think a bit of space might be better.

I agree with others, it does sound like he's offered you flimsy excuses- after 21 years he's decided your personalities aren't compatible?? Honestly, I think an ow will appear. Be ready for it, and in the meanwhile dont let him visit for cake fgs!

Flowers
Original poster
Georgethesecond · 26/10/2014 09:51

He's coming for tea and cake so the kids see him soon after he has gone. We have been managing family meals for the last two weeks, since he told me he was renting a house. We thought it would be good for the kids. I can make myself scarce and go to Aldi if I feel teary.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/10/2014 09:55

I don't think it's necessarily good for the kids to see the pair of you playing Happy Families in the circumstances. It's more likely to confuse the picture or give them false hopes of a reconciliation. If you've parted ways, best to make two separate lives and start as you mean to go on. Civil, but separate.

Original poster
Georgethesecond · 26/10/2014 09:56

Chipping he's 45. It would have been better if he had bought a sports car really. He has already signed up for a marathon (tick) bought an expensive racing bike (tick) and started buying expensive skin care products (tick).

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Original poster
Georgethesecond · 26/10/2014 09:58

I have thought long and hard about giving them hopes of reconciliation (though kids often have to these whatever you do I think) and I agree they need to see him separately in the main. They will see him while I am at work next. We are trying to reinforce the message that we can still communicate and won't be fighting. He is being very reasonable guilty

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/10/2014 10:46

It's good if you all get along ultimately and can communicate like grown-ups. However, the DCs are not the only people to consider. I'm concerned that you're not giving yourself the opportunity to grieve properly and that you're going to get stuck in this psychological No Mans Land of serving tea and cakes on the one hand and being teary at Aldi on the other. When you ask why you are so calm, I suspect this is why. You're in shock and, because he's still dropping in and out, it doesn't feel like anything has changed.

There will be a point where you get the news that he's got someone new or he's moving on in some other way and it'll finally hit you. I worry that you'll also feel rather foolish for allowing him to take up so much of your time.

You can still communicate. You don't have to fight. But please start putting yourself first.

Original poster
Georgethesecond · 26/10/2014 15:59

Well I went to Aldi. H came round at the agreed time for tea/cake with the kids just after I set off. He went about 5 mins after I came back, gave the boys a hug, no big drama. He's going to call in for a while after dinner on Tuesday, then have them later in the week during the day while I'm at work. I feel as though I have fallen down a rabbit hole into someone else's life, but I'm eating, sleeping and carrying on ok. Most odd.

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Vivacia · 26/10/2014 17:04

Do you not want your home to be somewhere ExH-free?

SweetErmengarde · 26/10/2014 17:26

So the cheeky sod walks out on his family and home, but still feels entitled to be a guest in it? Sod. That.

This "civilised breakup" narrative he's trying to stage is purely so that he can tell himself he's not a bastard.

If he has a new rental in a ritzy area, let him entertain your sons there instead of driving you out of your home for hours at a time.

Bag up any of his remaining possessions and put them out in the rain, rearrange the house in a way that suits you and your boys, get legal advice and start telling people. It's all about you now, he is no longer entitled to your consideration.

Vivacia · 26/10/2014 17:27

He's made his decision, he's no longer entitled to look in the fridge, or know you're off to Aldis or see that the table's moved.

BuzzardBird · 26/10/2014 17:34

Too right, time to teach him the harsh reality of his decision.

Original poster
Georgethesecond · 26/10/2014 20:29

I don't know. I'm not sure how it helps the kids for me to tell him to fuck off. I've bought some new bed linen. And some lilies.

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