So if I didn't want him to leave, why do I feel so calm?

[Georgethesecond]

DH and I have been together 21 years, married 17. We have two teenage sons, a mortgage free home and a happy life. Or so I thought until he decided to leave three weeks ago. I have not been sleeping, have lost weight, been tearful. I was dreading him telling the kids and leaving, which he did today. So why do I now feel so calm? I haven't shed a tear since he drove off.

No-one inferred that you should swear at him, just show him how it will be from now on based on his decision.

I am quite sweary though

All is still calm. He's coming round tonight for a bit. Not for dinner, just after. I thought it best to have no dinners all together until the boys have seen his new place and it seems a bit more real to them. I have seen a friend to chat and am doing the same tomorrow. I actually feel quite happy. What's that about?

It's only been three weeks since he 'kind of' left. 'Kind of' because things have not really changed all that much in practice and you're exercising a fair amount of control and self-control. So your feelings of calm and happy might be a reflection of it not yet feeling totally real. I genuinely hope you carry on feeling calm and happy but do be prepared that something may happen - and it could be quite small and insignificant - that will pop the grief bubble.

Maybe it doesn't feel completely real. He came round tonight and I gave him a bag of toiletries for the kids, today's sport section (well I'm not going to read it) and the leftover dinner which was in fact enough for a meal. We talked about dates of school events and who will take the boys where and when. He spent some time with the kids. He was here an hour altogether. I spent most of it washing up and then reading the paper - it's a big house, we weren't on top of one another.

Maybe it will hit me if the kids get upset. They are quite calm and cheerful. We are talking about it a bit at a time. On the surface they are fine. I know that doesn't mean they are completely fine.

Also, things won't change all that much. We have agreed I will keep the house, which is already in my name. I will work the same hours, the boys will stay at the same school, he will pay maintenance....

It's just like an extended business trip in many ways, but I get to redecorate and no one messes up the ensuite with beard trimming.

George, I rarely post, but I wonder if there is something in the water. My DH of 25 years left at the weekend. He first talked about us having separate interests and a desire to spend more time at work about 3 months ago, and after a holiday we had a plan to get joint counselling and work it out. And he just changed his mind. He is having counselling, but he wants to leave. However he also wants to come home at weekends (he works away in the week) for a short time. I said I couldn't handle that. He can come home, but not stay here. I think he is having some sort of crisis. He isn't the rock solid man he has always been. And I really feel for him because his feelings are so new and so raw. So I am not angry either, and I really thought that I would be. We are seeing how it looks in a few months, and I have moments of being scared and apprehensive about the future, but my calmness surprises me also! Maybe the anger will come later for both of us!

The anger will probably come when one of these men turns up breezily announcing they've met someone new..... quite by chance... and whaddayaknow, just a few weeks after leaving. It's a fairly clichéed sequence of events.

Yes I know. Usually someone with a connection to their work. You may well be right, cog.