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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Crisis point

30 replies

eeyoredebbie · 25/10/2014 14:00

Hi
My DH regularly talks to women on the Internet he makes friends with them and chats normally thro FB and iPad messenger. There's about 3 and I've even met one they are all Ok etc. there is nothing sexual going on I believe that and they are in different parts of the country. Except I check the messages ra

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eeyoredebbie · 25/10/2014 14:05

Randomly and it's the second time they've said in in the bath or shower and he's saod I'd like to see that. He also talks wth one of them how much they have in common and the "wire" they have to each other (vom). He was out walking the dog when I found the message on iPad so I've let the dog in and DH is locked out on patio

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HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 25/10/2014 14:06

Nothing sexual going on ? Of course there is.

eeyoredebbie · 25/10/2014 14:06

So how do I deal with this. Sorry for typos I'm on phone and he's constantly knocking on door xx

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eeyoredebbie · 25/10/2014 14:10

Hi happy I know there is nothing going on as they are too far away and we have no car etc it's all emotional and him having a bit of a joke with them without thinking of my feelings x

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Quitelikely · 25/10/2014 14:13

Sounds a bit creepy to me. You tell him that this makes you unhappy and ask him to stop.

If he won't stop then you have a hard choice to make.

eeyoredebbie · 25/10/2014 14:17

He knows and that is why he leaves stuff for me to see he just doesn't think as I am at work or its early morning when he talks to her

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NaiceNickname · 25/10/2014 14:26

Ask him how he would feel if you were saying these things to numerous other blokes online?

Don't let him kid you that just because it isn't physical and he had the 'decency' to let you read the conversations that it isn't wrong.

Why does he feel the need to speak to these female strangers online in this way?

eeyoredebbie · 25/10/2014 14:33

I've asked him about me talking to men and he says he wouldn't like it unless I kept it all friend related. He as known them for years now and we keep being invited to visit etc but she won't talk to him if her DH is around my DH gets dropped like a hot potato lol. He says he gets on better with women than men. It's happened a few times over 8 years but always forgiven him. No dc just a dog

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HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 25/10/2014 14:44

the messages are sexual in nature "I'd like to see you in the bath (ref: naked) so there is something sexual going on.

Does he use skype/facetime etc ?

eeyoredebbie · 25/10/2014 14:52

I see what you mean Happy, I'll rephrase that to mean nothing physical going on. He has used facetime in the kitchen when they are baking cakes together (another vom).

The first time was with a different woman who I have since met and he doesnt talk to her as much because she is busy working as a nurse.

This one is a SAHM who projects perfect housewife and kids idea, so I guess Im jealous of that to start with. Then they endlessly go on about the connection they have, how they know what each other are going to say etc.

They are good friends and I have no problem with that as he is not a man's man, football and drinking etc. its just when he oversteps the mark with a jokey comment. She said something like I'm going in the shower and he said I'd like to see you get out, and with the previous woman it was same convo except it was the bath.

He is still out on patio, we are exchanging texts but it was at my instigation as usual, and Im fool enough to say you haven't even said sorry, and then i get the texts saying sorry.

just dont know whether to tell him to go and see his brother for a bit x

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HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 25/10/2014 15:04

is he under the patio ? Halloween Wink

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 25/10/2014 15:06

You are exchanging texts about something so fundamental ?

Does this man live his life (inc. playing around with OW) via the medium of the phone ?

Get him off the patio and make him talk to you. Then tell him you want him to leave while you decide whether you want to share your life with someone who shares his so freely with his virtual girlfriends.

"Baking together via Skype" ?

Christ, how do you manage to find this bloke sexually attractive ?

eeyoredebbie · 25/10/2014 15:14

Thanks happy for your support the thing is if I let him in he will not leave and then things will go back to normal I've just agreed to go outside to him x

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/10/2014 15:17

What a saddo. ...

eeyoredebbie · 25/10/2014 15:31

Just come in and he's still outside. He says he will do anything I say like delete FB etc anything to fix it. He's gone in the garage now x

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MiniTheMinx · 25/10/2014 15:47

errr, you have locked him out and made this a crisis?

Instead of making this a crisis, you need to just take some time to think.

I suspect that lots of men and women do flirt with people of the opposite sex, all the time and some of the time, and not in front of their partners, and sometimes with their partners knowledge. Sometimes friendly banter and flirting is virtually indistinguishable, sometimes what is just friendly banter steps over a subjective boundary into flirting. When that flirting is unwanted, it becomes something else entirely, again often this is subjective according to the receivers personal experiences and subjective thinking. But it may in the final analysis just be flirting, or friendly banter.

The world in which we live; men flirt at their peril (IRL), because we perceive even mild flirtation from an unworthy source to be outright harassment, and mildly flirtatious behaviour from married people to be evidence of betrayal.

What the internet seems to provide for these silly men, is a seemingly safe place in which the banter can become flirting without the threat of people calling "harassment or betrayal" Of course it may be that your husband is one of these men? and seeks all the while to push those boundaries and this is the real reason he prefers to befriend women and not men. He can't flirt with men and besides he wants to be friends with women he imagines he could fuck. In fact, I would suggest that the internet lends itself to this. In the past when things were different people flirted more in RL and it usually amounted to nothing more than passing the time.

Confused? good, just as I am confused as to why you think that a few internet exchanges of a mildly flirtatious kind warrant a "crisis"

Talk to him and then calmly decide what your terms are.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/10/2014 15:49

Don't let him make you the policeman, telling him what to do. Put the responsibility fully back on him. How does he think a decent, respectful, caring partner should behave if they want to be trusted? Clue.. it's not making a tit of hjmself sending messages to random women and thinking it's all a bit of innocent fun. Make him think for himself and put in some real effort.

MiniTheMinx · 25/10/2014 15:54

Cog, he could have done this and reached his own conclusions before now though, could he not? But if he is a bit of a sad sap, far better to just state your terms unequivocally and stick to it. Generally I am of the same opinion as you, but once you have locked someone out and they are skulking around in the garage, you may as well state your terms otherwise you look silly!

eeyoredebbie · 25/10/2014 16:08

Thanks Mini and Cogito. Thing is Mini he will promise the world right now promise me anything I want, he wants to make it up to me and make it right. But I have seen him lying (small white lies to family about buying things they would disprove of etc) and I would have believed him myself if I hadn't known otherwise! It is not the first time I have found messages on FB or ipad messenger. and a few years ago i found in his internet history a log in site to a dating site, maybe more of a meet up/chat place for sex, he said it was for his brother he was trying to find someone and I believed him at the time. but now he has more or less admitted it was him. it is something he just gets a kick out of then asks himself why he does it, especially if I have caught him.

You have hit the nail on the head Mini he has a safe place to flirt with women without it necessarily going any further.

Just spoke to my sister on the phone who was saying stuff along the same lines, she was saying that it is not worth ending our marriage, we have been through so much, infertility, redundancy, disciplinary at work, losing our (first) beloved dog

Just wanted to get some perspective as we have now been through this a few times, me finding something in his web history, chats etc, and then arguing for a weekend making up and then a few months down the line it happens again.

thanks all x

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Badvoc123 · 25/10/2014 16:11

He sounds like a real creep

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 25/10/2014 16:18

Your sister sounds like a manpleasing fool

Why would you settle for this. The man is telling you he will never stop. Not by his empty words, but by his actions.

A dating site ? If he hasn't already, he is going to physically cheat on you when silly flirting fails to give him the buzz he feels entitled to

MiniTheMinx · 25/10/2014 16:21

eeyoredebbie, sometimes people and I think men perhaps more so, deal with stress and emotional problems by moving the focus. They do strange things. They lose a dog or a job and sign up for internet dating, of course we know that internet dating will not bring back the dog or the job or even help deal with the pain or loss.

As regards the lies, once a liar, always a liar

He has form for doing this before and he lied about it in the first instance and only over time tells you the truth. That may be because he is simply a bad liar who can't keep a story or he feels some guilt. If the latter it may be because he was using it as a distraction to his other problems.

Either way though, don't minimise it or explain it away for him. Be tough, lay out your terms and ask he explain himself fully and honestly.

If its a pattern that keeps happening it will keep happening and then you have to decide if you can live with this.

I had years of dealing with similar, its resolved now but only because he became increasingly aware that A)I was no longer angry B)this scared him enough to realise that there was a very real danger that it was over for good.
I could have cut short this whole thing by years by calmly stating my terms and then walking away if it happened again.

eeyoredebbie · 25/10/2014 16:50

Thanks Mini you are helping. By the way it was him going through the redundancy and me going through a disciplinary (turned out well as I now have a much better job), of course both of us going through infertility and losing dog. I think i deal with the stress by emotional eating etc I have plenty of my own problems lol!

I think I might ask him to tell me everything and see how it goes from then.

He has said before and this time that he has realised what he has done to me and will change, and he does not want to hurt me and loves me so much.

hugs and wine to all xx

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Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/10/2014 17:37

I think I might ask him to tell me everything and see how it goes from then

I sincerely wish you luck with that, OP - with mine it involved a horribly stressful time for him, followed by thousands of dirty texts and obscene photos to some woman in the Philippines

Like an utter fool I thought we might be able to get over that, since it was "nothing physical" Then I found out he was using prostitutes over here too ...

eeyoredebbie · 25/10/2014 18:07

Thanks puzzled. I've let him in and we've been talking for an hour. He swears there was nothing physical and just flirty messages with 3 FB women (all married) and 1 ex gf. The terms we've agreed is no flirty chats with anyone delete the ex and open access to ipad and phone with no clearing of history or password. I'm very clear this is last chance now.

Thanks for being here to listen to me rant and it's the first time I've told my sister so hopefully he has seen I'm more serious this time.

Thanks and Wine

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