Come to head tonight! He said its over

[Mini05]

so tonight he's getting ready to go out! Again no mention off this just him having shower/shave.
So I ask where you off too tonigh, usual place was his answer. I said so where's that then, it's nothing to do with you I don't have to tell you everywhere I'm going! I thought that's what people in relationships do communicate to each other. Few more things said, he not giving me any answers just trying to tie me in knots with his words and twisting things round onto me.
I asked why he's so secretive with his phone, and I said if you've nothing to hide so me to which he says I don't have to show you anything! He said something I can't remember now and something snapped in me! I put the tea in the fucking bin! To which he went ballistic calling me names Like cunt,bitch,bastard etc etc .
He then makes himself beans on toast (cause nothing puts him off his food nothing) so I start to tell him how he as been over last few months rejecting me(physically) to which he says "well your to dry" I fucking flipped and slapped his face(which I'm not proud off) and it just escalated from there!
He telling me that's it you've over stepped it no fucker hits me screaming it at me to which I say how dare you say that to me and not have the balls to tell me and abuse me mentally by rejecting me both mentally and physically.

He's gone on and on to say if I touch anything of his what he will do to me(police,solicitors) and how I will not get away with anything, at this point balling at me and if I come back and you have to my things you will be sorry!!

If he thinks I am just going to carry on living in this house with him till it's sold he can fuck off. He said I'm mental and because I hit him God knows what I'm capable off. But it's ok for him to ignore me and just come and go when he like(think that's ok to do, he's worked 40 years so can do what he likes)
He's gone back to when I was depressed really badly, and wanted him to stay and be with me and threw it back in my face how he could do anything. And how I didn't want him(physically).
Loads of shit as been thrown at me, also about my son(who as never said a bad word to him ever) 25, how he will never do anything for him again, and now we will be plotting together know!! Son keeps himself to himself never ever said anything about me to him ever.

I'm so upset off what he as been thinking(to himself) and not discussing with me! He also said he was depressed(wether he is??) to many things to site down. I just feel I've lived with somebody I don't really know and who thinks he knows what I AM THINKIN WHICH IS FUCKING FRUSTRATING

I want to chuck his fucking things on the doorstep, but the the other side of me comes in I can't .
Some stupid side off me tells me I still have feeling for him.

Get legal advice and disengage from this man.

You're still doing the 'If he could only see what his behaviour is doing to me' quick step, he does love and he doesn't care. Trying to engage with this man has already led to violence. This is who he is and if you can't live with it, there's only one option left.

This could deteriorate even further if you don't stop trying reanimate this dead relationship.

It isn't legal to change the locks on a joint house and lock a co-owner out!

Do get advice, mini, legal and financial . Find out how much your share of the equity is. Then find out if you were to sell and buy a new place would your current lender allow you to transfer a small mortgage. And get legal advice on how you get a sale as a tenant in common.

You are not happy, he doesn't sound happy and he is ruining your life.

Hi
Well I've been out most of the day, to avoid him! Returned at 9.30pm ive been at my sisters.
So I've just come in got changed into pj's and made a drink and gone upstairs into sons's bedroom with tv in there(He's out) I'm staying out of way as much as possible as I don't won't anymore confrontation with him.

No we are not married, I know how much equity I have from the house already. I have had a quick ride round my estate to see if any smaller houses to let there are about a handful, some too big!!

Blu, I know it's illegal I can't get the locks changed!! What do you mean selling as tenant in common?? You mean without his consent?

It would not surprise me one little bit if he is avoiding the money issue(re what he's due) as he is very very tight with money. So yes I will defo be getting advice both legal and financial. He thinks he's one step ahead!!

I need to find out Monday if I could take a small mortgage out on the small pension I have with the BS, as I owed my own house before I met him and was with the same BS then(but was working then and younger)

I have to start to think what do I do in the mean time, as Its ok when he goes out, but whilst he's in Id have to sit in bedroom(no tv there) and it's not just that it's the atmosphere around the house. He is still talking to my son(well son is talking to him wether he would otherwise!!!)
It's also ok when I go out in the day, it's what I have to come back too! We both don't go out at night only him Friday night!

So he bought me the cake today, and also bought me take away which we always have on a sat(which is still there, had tea out)
I also think he will be under the impression I will still be cooking for him!! As usual. He has done everybody's clothes washing today!!! It's like nothing's happened apart from hes not talking to me
Well I for one will defo not be a mug any longer and he will be cooking his own meals.

So you were having an argument after he's been treating you badly, he got in your face and you slapped him. Thank God you're not a male poster...you'd have been ripped apart and called all the Fs under the sun.

That aside, it is perfectly legal for someone who co-owns a house to change the locks without the consent of the other co-owner. I'd have said this isn't particularly fair, you being the one to have shown violence, but if you have nowhere to go, it's the better option. From his behaviour prior to the slap (secrecy with the phone, out all of the time etc) I'd bet he has somewhere he can stay.

It was more the just getting in my face j I it was months of verbal/mental abuse which escalated with him pointing in my face and shouting/screaming at me which made me snap and unfortunately strike out.

I have been told its illegal to change the locks, apart from that I'm not the type of person to inflict more fuel to the fire!

He wouldn't stay with OW(if one) as that would letting me know there was somebody!! And there's no way he would like his secret to come out. He can be very very stubborn, to the fact that his dad as Alzheimer's 85 and he won't go and see him because off a row with dads wife. To which he then says well he doesn't even know when I'm there anyway! He will not go back on this, he also does the same to his mum because she left his dad when he was 19 now 61 never spoke to her for 12 years after that and now only when he really as too
So this is who I am dealing with,somebody who holds resentment!! So he would not confess to OW if he had one, just to move on.

Yes, it's not illegal to change the locks. But then it wouldn't be illegal for him to call a locksmith to get himself in and then do the same back.

So you were having an argument after he's been treating you badly, he got in your face and you slapped him. Thank God you're not a male poster...you'd have been ripped apart

Haven't read the comments, Jolleigh?

But isn't it time to move on from this? The OP is not proud of what she did and at no time was his physical integrity in danger, moreover they are now splitting up.

Plants: and that is because neither party has the right to exclude the other from a shard home without a court order.

OP , doesn't the business with his Mum and his Dad's wife tell you that whatever it is that he has decided about you, or his life now, he won't change his mind and you are wasting your time getting frustrated with him. He won't be persuaded by any amount if anger or upset on your behalf.

It's good that you will seek advice on your position. Be as single minded on looking out for your own interests and getting yourself out of this .

Can you visualise living without him, free of all this towing and not talking?

It sounds as if he makes you feel powerless. The power you have us to sell up and leave him and be free!

So I think he actually thought house wise things would stay as they was!!

It's tea time and I start to make me and sons, he sat on his arse and it later than usual so I new he thought I was making it!
I put 2 plates out and he walks into the kitchen,looks in the oven and says so your just cooking for the 2 of you. Yes that's what you wanted!
Ok if you wanna play that game, when I go shopping tomorrow(bread,milk) I just buy for myself.
Yes
Well I won't be washing up for anybody, so you better tell him(son) know doubt you've told him everything!! Yet son is still talking to him(I bloody wouldn't) if he knew how he slags him off he wouldn't!!!

I told him I want 2/3rd of the food money back
Don't think so
Yes there's 2 of us

WTF does he really think house wise I'm going to cook,bed the bed,clean etc
No bloody way

I know it's very early days but I think I'm staying put!!
I just have to pay half the household bills, as he pays mortgage(I put my half down from previous house, he came with nothing)
I may get a new tv, and put it in the front room and move into there. That way I can watch what I want without him calling me for enjoying my programs.

If I move out, I have minimum £595 to rent plus running costs. So this way I can possible save some money till house goes up for sale.

No mention of selling house or anything else as yet!

Tomorrow when he's out I will be looking for the letters he received regarding his pay offer from work which he got I think about £33k and now his pension lump sum £36k plus £12kish a year and will be copying these. I can't see how much he's got in isa,bank,saving as there all on line with pass codes.

Have you actually talked about selling the house ?

Mini, I know it is all very frustrating and upsetting, but I would put energy into sorting this out between you , as matter of factly as possible, rather than working things up to a level if hostility by dividing up groceries.

Is it recorded how much capital you put in? Do you own the house 50 /50 or do you have a deed of covenant saying his much if the house you own?

As you are not married you won't be entitled to any of his lump sum, but it could help you know whether e could buy you out.

No he as not said a word all day! And he won't that's his usual thing. It as to be me first, even though I have told him I was very sorry for what I did.

I knew in my head he still thought I would be doing all the cooking! Why should I
He was the one that said he will be buying his own food, so I just said I will be taking money out of joint for our food.

As for the capital I put in, the solicitor as written it down as tenants in common.
I've been told, I get my capital back pay the outstanding mortgage off and what's left 50/50 considering he came with nothing he's walking away with £50k If he bought me out he would be left with nothing! And there's no chance of that money is what makes him tick! Tight

Is that right I'm not entitled to his lump sum??? He as it in the bank from next week that's when he draws his pension!!!!!

I just read it on Internet I'm not entitled to his pension lump sum

I really now suspect this is one of the reasons, he is very very tight with money
Ie, asked with to call shops for sausage rolls for sons pack lunches, he came home and said you joint acct £2.40 I just gave it him for some piece or I would of got an earful

So he will get
50k from house
36k lump sum from pension
10k because he's never married
15k at the least from payment from work.

God I must so naive, it's all starting to make sense now

Slightly confused Mini...were you under the impression you're entitled to his lump sum? Or any of his money for that matter? If you're unmarried, you can do what you like with cash in a joint account but you don't have any automatic entitlement or sway over cash he has in private accounts.

you sound really bitter about the money he gets out of this,it's tough luck but there's a lot of men out there in your shoes too - they have to suck it up and live with it.

why are you so focussed on his money and pension? what about your own earnings/income/pension etc?

I'm not focused on his money as you are thinking!! I'm just making a fact that when we met he had nothing!! In a rented house And that I was buying clothes for him,paid for holidays, even sent him home with food because I loved and cared about him and now the first time in his life he's getting some money he's leaving me!!! But more bloody fool me then.

This man bought me a card for my b'day 2 weeks ago with I love you plastered on the front,and it just a cured to me since he actually got his letter of conformation how things have drastically had a turn around.

I have my own money and pension!!

I've just seen the light! I've lived with him for years and know exactly what he's like when it concerns money.
We went for coffee few weeks back, he got them sat down and said what's half of £4.60 you owe me £2.30. This mans got a short memory
That's it, that's all

Op, you seem very unhappy and angry.

Ask yourself, what are you trying to achieve by remaining in this toxic relationship? Why are you focusing on the minutiae of who paid what for coffee? Why on earth are you attempting to score points off this dickhead? What is the actual point?

Focus your energy on getting yourself out of this horrible situation! It's truly crap! No redeeming features, whatsoever. Could land you in hot bother, to say the least.

Just trying to explain
I'm not trying to achieve anything by staying! But nor am I going to throw more of my retirement money on him.
By that I mean moving out and renting costing ME !
I'm not scoring any points I'm just trying to give a picture of what he is like that's all.

He is the one that started all the changes in our relationship wanting to do his own thing. So this is what I'm doing. Yet getting slated for doing it, unless I'm getting it down wrong!

I know it will take time to sell possibly, so I am now putting my energy into looking after my son and I future.

Will you have enough from the sale of your house to buy a smaller place of your own?

I will need maybe 30k to put towards it so will have to ask BS about if they will be prepared to lend it to me.
If not my son will have to, or maybe together.

He is still doing shopping despite me saying we will do it separate! Also he said he was going m&s and did I want anything(I really don't get what he's doing)
Also he said he wasn't do anything for my son, and yet tonight he shouted had he finished his tea to wash his plate!

I staying out of the way, because at mo I havnt the strength to get involved with any argueing in bed with a hacking cough/cahtaar.

So elsewhere you say your house has recently been valued at £220k, and if I understand you rightly, on this thread you say that the agreement is that if you sell you will get back your deposit (£78k?) and then you will split the rest. So you get £78 plus half the equity?

Can you increase your income somehow? If you take your son with you he will presumably pay you rent / a share of the mortgage payment to help you cover the cost? Or could you afford a one-bed place if your son moves elsewhere?

Don't let this drag in any longer. Focus on the practicalities and finding a way to move out. Talk to a financial advisor - you might be surprised with what they could suggest, you never know!

No excuses but the viral infection as floored me over the weekend!

But once I'm starting to see improvements I will be on the ball

Yes I have my 78k plus about 45ish, I don't work I retired hence pension.
Yes have spoken to my son he is happy to pay to help with mortgage.
Ive got about 16k savings but will maybe need most of that if anything what's doing and all the costs involved.

So he bought me the cake today, and also bought me take away which we always have on a sat(which is still there, had tea out)

He is still talking to my son

It doesn't really sound like he thinks it's over.

Actually, he sounds quite considerate in some respects

Mini are you OK?