Come to head tonight! He said its over

[Mini05]

so tonight he's getting ready to go out! Again no mention off this just him having shower/shave.
So I ask where you off too tonigh, usual place was his answer. I said so where's that then, it's nothing to do with you I don't have to tell you everywhere I'm going! I thought that's what people in relationships do communicate to each other. Few more things said, he not giving me any answers just trying to tie me in knots with his words and twisting things round onto me.
I asked why he's so secretive with his phone, and I said if you've nothing to hide so me to which he says I don't have to show you anything! He said something I can't remember now and something snapped in me! I put the tea in the fucking bin! To which he went ballistic calling me names Like cunt,bitch,bastard etc etc .
He then makes himself beans on toast (cause nothing puts him off his food nothing) so I start to tell him how he as been over last few months rejecting me(physically) to which he says "well your to dry" I fucking flipped and slapped his face(which I'm not proud off) and it just escalated from there!
He telling me that's it you've over stepped it no fucker hits me screaming it at me to which I say how dare you say that to me and not have the balls to tell me and abuse me mentally by rejecting me both mentally and physically.

He's gone on and on to say if I touch anything of his what he will do to me(police,solicitors) and how I will not get away with anything, at this point balling at me and if I come back and you have to my things you will be sorry!!

If he thinks I am just going to carry on living in this house with him till it's sold he can fuck off. He said I'm mental and because I hit him God knows what I'm capable off. But it's ok for him to ignore me and just come and go when he like(think that's ok to do, he's worked 40 years so can do what he likes)
He's gone back to when I was depressed really badly, and wanted him to stay and be with me and threw it back in my face how he could do anything. And how I didn't want him(physically).
Loads of shit as been thrown at me, also about my son(who as never said a bad word to him ever) 25, how he will never do anything for him again, and now we will be plotting together know!! Son keeps himself to himself never ever said anything about me to him ever.

I'm so upset off what he as been thinking(to himself) and not discussing with me! He also said he was depressed(wether he is??) to many things to site down. I just feel I've lived with somebody I don't really know and who thinks he knows what I AM THINKIN WHICH IS FUCKING FRUSTRATING

I want to chuck his fucking things on the doorstep, but the the other side of me comes in I can't .
Some stupid side off me tells me I still have feeling for him.

This reads like a truly awful situation.

OP, can you stay elsewhere tonight? Just until you have both calmed down. Otherwise, as other posters have pointed out, the situation may escalate. Especially if either of you have consumed alcohol.

I'm astonished how people how got a little clip/caught of the face as turned into me being a physical abuser!!!! Talk about branding somebody

It's ok for him to come into my face pointing his finger inches from my face/abuse but I just manage to catch/clip his face and I'm a DV abuser
NO WAY way out of context.

Over the last year this man as controlled everything I or my son as done down to us opening a window we weren't allowed to if he thought it was to cold!

So now I'm the abuser!!! I've had mental abuse for months to the point ive had to walk on egg shells but it's ok for him to do this NO OUTBURST THERE!
For mental abuse, just accept

Mini, you said that you slapped him across the face. You are now drip feeding.

LEAVE. that's the only, sensible option you have in such a toxic environment. If not for ever, just until you can arrange something else.

Mini NO ONE has said that you should tolerate mental or emotional abuse. EVERYONE has said that you'd be much much better off without him. Just because we're not applauding the fact that you slapped him doesn't mean that we're branding you the worst person in the world. We're telling you to get out, get somewhere safe, calm down and make a plan to live your life without him.

You can either take the advice or continue being so defensive and ignoring the good advice you've received.

You aren't the abuser Mini. It isn't unusual for those who are continually abused to lash out in frustration. But as RJnomore says it really is a sign to back out of the relationship. You could perhaps think what you are getting out of it. What is he adding to your life, for a start? What do you want to do?

I don't think she's drip feeding TheFantasticFixit. She gave a pretty good account of what happened in the OP. It was obvious there was intimidation going on by her partner.

I'm not trying to drip feed far from it, when posting my first piece I was just getting it down without really think of the correct wording I was in such a state and wanted some guidence/ advice? I'm not wishing to sound defensive just trying to clarify what I did and how the situation was.

He as come back now, we havnt spoken he as gone to bed. Thing is now I have to get in the same bed or sleep on the sofa. It's all gone wrong and become nasty and I don't know what to do for the best. We've nowhere to go and he will not go. It's stale mate and could take months to sell the house.

What scallops said.

Please get away from the man, mini.

I do think you need to take control of your life mini. It'll make you feel better for a start. Even if you don't leave tomorrow or next week, have a think about exit strategies, being free of him. He's a burden to you.

It sounds to me as if you really don't trust him, and if he often leaves the house and refuses to tell you where he is going, is very protective of his phone etc, you're right to be suspicious. You need to tell him (when you've both calmed down) that you love him, but can't trust him, and try to talk things out. What he said about you being to dry could just have been said in anger to hurt your feelings. Nasty but maybe not true. If it is, you just need lube/more foreplay. It's a very fixable sexual issue, If he does think you don't feel as wet as you used to, maybe he thinks you're not as turned on by him any more? If he will not communicate honestly, keeps trying to fob you off with "I don't want to argue" you might remain stuck in the same cycle of arguments. You could write him a letter and ask him to read it? The slapping him in the face (if a one off) is understandable considering the circumstances. I actually think putting the dinner in the bin was worse. I would say doing that at that stage of the argument was uncalled for and bound to provoke him further. Next time try counting to ten before giving in to mad impulses? Yes I've done things like this before, and it wasn't until my dp started to do things like this back I realised how enraging it is... best of luck

Hiya OP.Sorry if you've already said but did you find out where his birthday hippy bracelet came from?That seemed a bit sus and as you said out of character.

It is never OK to lay hands on another person. Doesn't matter what they're saying or how close to your face they are saying it. I'll admit I've gotten in DH's face in anger before, would you say it's OK if he had 'clipped me'. If they lay their hands on you, yes, you can defend yourself. Otherwise no.

But the question really is; what are you going to do now? See a solicitor. Find out what rights you have and what benefits you may be entitled to. Does your son work? Do you? You two may have to rent another place, anything to get away from this man.

Yes, it's over. Neither of you is happy, so take steps as Acrossthepond says. Good luck!

I don't agree with dv in either direction, but I must say I sympathise with you OP. Under the circumstances you were being totally provoked. Surely there is a difference here between ongoing dv and someone snapping under extreme emotional abuse and then calling an end to the relationship?

I presume OP, when you say we, you are referring to yourself and your son. Could you not both rent somewhere?

It is hard when such a long-standing relationship ends, but it just doesn't seem feasible for you to continue living under the same roof as him. You suppose you should see a lawyer or the CAB to find out where you stand.

Mini is the house on the market?

If it isn't I suggest that today you get the ball rolling. Organise three estate agents to come round to chat when he is not in.

Then on Monday call a couple of local based conveyancers explain you may have to force the sale of your home due to the fact your ex may get arsey about selling. Not all conveyancers can deal with this, a recommendation is best. If you are married you may want to find a solicitor instead who can deal with the divorce too.

Channel your anger into putting you in the driving seat. You are angry because he is stonewalling, being emotionally abusive and an arsehole. He may be expecting you to just live with it. So do everything legally and don't rise to the bait. Give a wry smile and walk away.

Put the ball in motion today, take back control. Do NOT tell him anything at all about what you are doing until you fully understand what you legally can and cannot do. You may find when he realises that you are serious that his snivelling will begin, crying, begging, pleading, more anger, nasty words, suicide threats, you will be called money grabbing, more crying.

Use your anger effectively. The relationship doesn't sound fun so see last night as a catalyst to getting you to a place of happiness.

Your relationship has turned you into somebody you never thought you'd be.

For that reason alone, get out of the relationship ASAP.

Hi Mini,

I would try to talk to him today about practicalities of splitting up. Maybe start by suggesting that you get a couple of Estate agents around on Monday? Just a sentance about it and I think you will.get your answer regards his thoughts on relationship and if he has given up on it and if he has someone else.

You need to feel safe and comfortable at home. Have you a spare room? If so one of you move into it?

The good news is that the housing market is good at the mo, if you get a buyer not in a chain you can complete the sale in 4-5 weeks.

Is the house jointly owned and in the market?

Mini, it all sounds horrible.

It does sound as if you have spent a long time living in misery , but I'm not clear whether you have mutually talked about separating?

Have a calm firm conversation today, and without going into blame on either side just say as the two of you need to part how are you going to manage the practicalities .

Then don't ask him where he is going etc, go out with your own friends. Turn the front room into a bed fit and don't share a bed.

Just don't go on like this. He sounds arrogant, controlling and cruel, you sound out of control. He won't change back to being nice, and it is humiliating for you to be exuded to a screaming dinner-dumping wreck in the face of his stonewalling.

Loving him isn't the same as feeling you need him, or need someone, or need attention and love.

Time to look after YOU. He won't do it.

Mini you lost any moral high ground when you slapped/clipped your partner. DV is wrong no matter who does the hitting.

You are in a toxic relationship and need to get out. If you can sleep in another room then do. On Monday get advice re leaving and selling the house.

Whatever the ins and outs of the situation you find yourself in, whether you were driven by self-defence or provocation, whether it's out of character or not, once you're at a stage where there is verbal and physical abuse going on on all sides, you've got to call time.

link to our DV webguide
Kindest to you OP

Sent partner text this morning to day could we go out somewhere to discuss things, he as ignored it and me whilst we have been in the house together.
He's been to do some shopping eg bread,milk and bought 2 cakes one for him and one for me WTF. I have stayed away from him to give us space, he as now go out again. Nothing said!

My heads in bits I go from sad to anger!
The house is in joint names, tenants in common. I will be still liable for half the mortgage which is £300 and to rent a 2 bed where I have lived for 31 years(me not him) are about £595 month for a 2 bed So that £900 before I start. We currently live in a detached house.plus most will not accept benefits!

I'm 57, on ESA with a very small private pension which I got when I finished work.
Where as he is in a different position , next week will be getting his works pension as he as now finished work which will be £40k lump sum and a 12k pension plus money he as left from a payment he got a year ago of 36k.

So I'm back being stonewalled again, and he thinking house arrangements are the same ie me cooking/cleaning.

How much equity is there in the house? If you sell would you have enough to buy a flat or smaller place?

Could he buy you out, with his lump sums?

Do you want to seperate, and does he?

Mini you've had some good advice here, no one can help you if you don't help yourself. If it's a joint house then tell him to leave or change the locks when he's out if you can't get somewhere yourself. There's not much more anyone else can do to help

You're not married?

OP the pension information is interesting. He's trying to avoid having to give you any. Get legal advice urgently and whatever you do don't hit him again as he will use it against you.