How do u make ur self not give a shit?

[Captainbarnacles1101]

I never go out in the evening. I do see all my friends during the day and have a good circle of friends. However one old friend has now got a day job and so I can only see her in the evening. I told my kids and my OH I'm meeting her tonight just for a coffee and I'll b back by nine.

The usual old shite is happening now. The silent treatment form OH, not enough to not speak at all but enough to be noticed. The older kids are asking why I have to go out? What happens if blah blah. I don't feel well blah blah blah. Honestly this is why I never fecking go out!!!! It's not worth the guilt! I'll be rushing home tonight now cos I feel bad about going out yet my OH regularly goes to football matches etc and never bats an eyelid! If I ask what's the problem he denies there is one.

So mumsnet, how do I not give a shit?????? How do I forget them all and go out and enjoy a natter with my oldest friend?
TIA

how do I not give a shit?????? How do I forget them all and go out and enjoy a natter with my oldest friend?

By just going. And going regularly. They'll get used to it.

Don't tell them till the last possible moment with a cheery wave?

Cheers I wish I could do the wine thing but I live in the asshole of ballynowhere so I have to drive. Gonna arrange to do this will said friend at least once a month! Feck them

By reminding yourself that he doesn't own you

Just bloody go. And go regularly. They'll get used to it soon enough and will stop with the emotional blackmail/guilt tripping.

You have a right to a life of your own, and to enjoy yourself. If you feel so guilty, I think you should strengthen your own belief in that. Get rid of that tiny bit of you that thinks you don't have a right to have fun and should remain at others' beck and call!

(and also, your OH's attitude about this sucks.)

I agree with the "just do it regularly" point and it will get easier.

Regarding the driving, (not that I'm promoting getting blindingly drunk as a coping mechanism you understand!! ), could you arrange with your friend to alternate driving?

Or plan ahead and book a cab as a special treat?

im glad i posted. I feel better already!

Good. Enjoy!

Why would you feel guilty? Is there some catastrophe that only your presence could prevent?

Your H is selfish and he and your children have got into the habit of you being a permanent fixture. Start planning regular nights out so that they experience the earth not falling off its axis, when you're not home for a couple of hours.

There was a terrible old army sit-com called 'It Ain't Half Hot Mum' and the Sergeant Major character had a catch phrase response to any whingeing in the ranks which was ... 'Oh dear. How sad. Never mind'... delivered with withering sarcasm.

That's what you say to anyone sulking...

cogito I remember it well!

Personally I'm confrontational and my attitude has always been to question whenever anyone doesn't agree with me.

So ask your DH when the last time you had a night out and why he believes you don't deserve one now.

Your problem is your DH - is he really ignoring you?

I'd go ballistic

Don't give in to guilt trips!

Have a great night out!

Question them enough to make them feel guilty- Ask them if they think that you should have fun/ night out like they do- if not why not? Don't they enjoy seeing their friends? Why do they think you shouldn't get to see your friends?

You tell your kids that if they're ill then Dad will look after them. You say nothing to sulky, ridiculous DH. And then you get in the car and go and have some fun. They'll cope.

Go out every night for two weeks, even if you just go and sit in the car with a kindle.

When you drop it down to one or two nights a week they will be bloody grateful.

I disagree with everyone saying that if you do it regularly it will get better.

It might, but for me it didn't until I LTB.

I was on the other end. Would always call my husband at 10pm that he needs to come home, not get drunk etc.
I noticed when I went out he would never call me, even if I was out till 1am.
Look, I decided to be like him. It hasn't been easy, I would cling to my phone very close to calling him but stopping. Each time he came home at 11pm.
It made me feel AMAZING afterward that I wasn't clingy and insecure.
Your DH has insecurities - that's ok. What's not ok is him not dealing with them - being moody all day, are you serious?? If I was like that I would analyse how it made my DH feel - and change irregardless of how I feel. Your kids telling your they're I'll? Honey I bet you he tells them mummy's leaving and we don't know when she's back, do not fall for that. He wants you all to himself, but that's not good for your self esteem. I know how your husband feels, I wish my DH was stuck to my hip.
But I know he wouldn't want that, and once I have my own social life, I feel great.
Please DO NOT make him manipulate you into not going out twice a month.

the op is not making him manipulate her - what a load of rubbish. This is nothing to do with his insecurities and all about him being a twat.

Go out every night for two weeks, even if you just go and sit in the car with a kindle. When you drop it down to one or two nights a week they will be bloody grateful

thanks everyone. went little had attest catch up. no one for sick and the house didn't burn down. she was in fine form when I got home. told him seedling this once a month he seemed fine. let's see what he's like when time comes