Hello everyone. This is my first post. I have been watching for a while and wanted to contribute, but I find it hard to reach out when I'm holding myself in, if that makes sense.
My OH is regarded generally as a kind, generous man. But behind closed doors it is a different story. He can be moody, unpredictable, critical and mean. It seems to be about money, although perhaps it is control. I work part-time, over 5 days, squeezing in the hours between the school run for my little boy. We aren't married and I got pregnant very quickly, so our life together has pretty much always been 'with child'. He has been married and has two other children. My financial contribution has always been food, childcare costs and holidays/social contributions. My role has been primary carer for our son, housework, cooking, etc. He earns a high salary but pays a massive amount of school fees for his other children.
He states that he thinks I should be working full-time. That I should contribute 50% financially to all costs bar mortgage. That's food, utilities, bills, holidays, socialising. He earns 6x what I do. He doesn't offer any solutions in terms of childcare now our son has started school, just says other women manage. I did work full-time for 6 months when our son was at nursery, but it was miserable. I paid almost half my salary towards childcare, my son was angry and miserable, I was tired and sad. I still got home before OH so the childcare, cooking and housework still fell to me. Now our son is at school and the thought of managing the school run and finding childcare provision during all those term breaks when he is so small. Some mothers do manage, I know...
He says I don't buy the food he likes. I don't cook the food the way he would like it. I made too much washing up, using two pans instead of one. I left a pile of laundry over there. I didn't rinse the bath properly. It goes on. He compliments my body and my face but can't find anything nice to say about my personality or character. I ask if I can have a glass of wine, or a bit of food he has bought, or a cup of coffee as historically he has become very angry if I 'helped myself' or gave our son food he has brought. He sometimes says no, I can't, or says yes on the understanding I will replace it. I buy my own wine, or ham, vegetables, etc, to avoid this conflict. Then he goes ballistic if food is wasted (which it is, as often we have doubled up on things). He tells me I sing too loudly, that my voice is screechy. He tells me that I am a sponger, a user. He says I am manipulative. If I lose my temper he says I am crazy and an unfit mother.
I jump when I hear his car door slam. I rush around before he is due home, making sure the washing up is done, the house looks tidy, there aren't toys lying around. I feel sick a lot, wondering what I am going to do to upset him next. He can turn from loving and funny to cold and hurtful in a second. He will be cold for days if I upset him and only warm if I cry and show remorse for whatever it was I did.
He says if I talk to my parents or my friends about our relationship he will end it. He repeats often that the house is his.
I am articulate, but I find I cannot argue with him. I get tied in knots. The bigger picture is lost over a minor detail and nothing is resolved. I recognise that he goads me to lose my temper, at which point he has 'won', but there is no winning, whatever I do.
We don't talk about holidays and haven't had a real holiday for a couple of years, as I cannot afford to pay for half of the type of holiday he wants. He has taken his other kids away. If we go out for a meal or find ourselves in a supermarket together, I get half the money out to pay but he won't accept it in public and gets angry that I tried.
I could contribute a bit more financially to the household, but I don't think it will make a difference to his attitude. He spends over £30,000 a year on private school fees but our son is my financial responsibility. He thinks nothing of spending several hundred pounds on a luxury. Am I wrong in squirrelling away £50 'just in case' instead of contributing to the electricity bill?
It got physical for the first time about a month ago, when I lost my temper. He tried to shut me out the house, I fought my way in, he tried to drag me out. It hurt. Things have been calmer since. I said and he agreed that it was better to call it a day. He asked how I would manage and I said 'with difficulty'. Then he was loving towards me. But a couple of nights ago he got angry when I asked if he could think about taking some of his leave during holiday times, as my leave couldn't begin to cover this. He said that my job contributed nothing to the household and what was the point if I couldn't even cover the childcare. I felt too defeated to defend myself. He was meant to pick our son up from school as I had to work but said he was going to spend time with his other kids.
Our son has had trouble adapting to school. He witnessed the violence above and wet his bed. He has been acting out and biting and hitting. He heard his dad say he thought something was wrong with him. It was my OH saying this about my son that took me to the point I said it was time to end it. I think it's another control thing but this is his area of expertise and it cut deep.
I am not entitled to spousal maintenance. I have no claim to the house and couldn't afford it if I did. His arrangement with his ex is private, but I am sure he will pay only the minimum child maintenance for our son. It wouldn't be enough to rent privately in this area.
I feel entirely trapped. I have stood in the doorway wanting to step away from him and our son. My love and patience for my child is distorted by the feeling of being trapped. My perspective isn't right and I'm finding it hard to make decisions.
Thanks for listening x