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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

getting really fed up with "d"w

38 replies

Snoopy33 · 21/10/2014 21:02

Hi,

I tried posting this at a different forum but haven't got any responses, I know this is mumsnet but don't know where else to get advice.

I'm getting incredibly frustrated with my W. I'm not sure if she looks on this site but think she may do and don't want to out myself but will try to avoid being too vague.

So - our 7 year old DD has a bit of an issue with being shy, she finds it hard to intersect with children she doesn't know and will almost hide away, my W way of dealing with this is to punish her which in turn makes DD feel bad and get upset. My approach is to reassure DD and encourage her to get involved while not being too hand holdy, I've also suggested going to brownies etc. Which she will be doing.

This brings me onto anothet frustration I have, it always seemed to be down to me to organise/sort anything - after school clubs, child minder, moving house, bills, money etc. My W doesn't seem to appreciate any of this, if I bring it up its "why are you worrying about bills we pay by Direct Debit and that's it" yes but what about the times we haven't had enough money to pat the water bill, who has sorted it, I have. When the child minder said she wasn't doing it anymore and I had 1 week to find someone else who sat back and let me do all the running and and stressing out, you did.

My wife is by no means lazy, she does most of the housework etc though I do help out quite a lot - I'm currently doing degree and it was an agreement that she would take in most of the housework, however I do still help.

However, we both work full time, my job is pretty full on and her, I hate to say, is relatively easy and comes with no stress. When we get home though she will say how tired she is and will get into bed and go on her phone or laptop and pretty much ignore me and DD - I will go and play with DD up until around 7pm DD goes to bed between 7-8, I ask DW if she would mind putting DD to bed while I go and get on with work - now I don't think I should have to remind DW when DDs bedtime is, but 7 comes and I end up getting DD ready for bed and putting her to bed, all the time DW is in bed on her laptop.

A couple of years ago DW cheated on me, it was a horrible time, treating me like a mug by denying anything was going on when it was obvious there was. During that time I hate to admit that I did the 'pick me dance' got into a bit of debt buying her presents to make her 'happy' etc and then when it came out it was me doing all the 'repairing' of the relationship - so at times I feel I may hold a degree of bitterness.

Sometimes I also think maybe I have played a part in her being like this, maybe she is narcissistic as she is quite self obsorbed. I've always let things go when she is being a bitch, I've apologised even when I haven't done anything wrong just for some peace etc.

I do love her but feel she takes me for granted, not interested or doesn't realise how her actions effect others.

Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snoopy33 · 21/10/2014 21:04

That not a very well written post, sorry on my phone.

OP posts:
Primadonnagirl · 21/10/2014 21:07

You'll cop it for calling her a bitch ......

Happymum1985 · 21/10/2014 21:11

It sounds like a tough position you're in. It sounds obvious, but have you tried speaking to her about your frustrations directly? Maybe wait until your DD is in bed, go into your bedroom or wherever she is and sit down and talk. I suggest not being too critical of her directly initially or you may get an angry/defensive response and get nowhere. Maybe start it off by saying that you miss her company and that you wish that the two of you could spend more time together in the evenings chatting/ watching a film etc. It strikes me from what you've said that the crucial family element of being a 'team' has broken down completely here. I think that if things improved between the two of you and you were both happier, there would be less of the 'who does what and when' and more of the natural pulling together to help with the running of your family? If you have objections about the way she is handling your DD's shyness, you can use this evening time to address and discuss these sorts of issues...I hope I have said something constructive(!)

OfficeNewGirl · 21/10/2014 21:12

Would splitting up be a solution?

I think when a relationship has had deceit in it then it never fully gets back on track

Original poster
Snoopy33 · 21/10/2014 21:13

Thanks Happy.

I've tried talking to her over these things but its often met with a wall of silence or her saying I'm having a go at her.

OP posts:
lotsofcheese · 21/10/2014 21:14

Is this a reverse thread?

Original poster
Snoopy33 · 21/10/2014 21:15

Hi officenewgirl

I don't think we are at a point where splitting need be an option.

We are happy on the most part I just find myself getting quite frustrated sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snoopy33 · 21/10/2014 21:15

No not reverse lotsofcheese

OP posts:
PeppermintPasty · 21/10/2014 21:16

I did think that when I read it too lotsofcheese....

soonasthesunsets · 21/10/2014 21:17

Sounds like you have had enough. There's not a single positive in your whole post. You are feeling all the stress and resentment and not feeling appreciated or appreciating your wife in any sense. She

You don't really love her, it is just the safe option. I think you haven't forgiven the affair (understandably) and it's colouring your view of everything. Your marriage has become a tit-for-tat of who does what. (You sort the bills, she does the housework, you're job is hard, hers is easy(?), she had an affair, you do all the running... very skewed mindset).

What you want to do?

joanofarchitrave · 21/10/2014 21:23

I think it's down to your hard work if you are happy - she's not doing a lot towards that right now.

How about a bit more confrontation? When she's up there in bed on her phone, what about bursting in and telling her she's having a laugh ignoring you both? What about a no-screens-until-8pm rule?

I would really struggle being with someone who punished my child for being shy. What does she say when you talk to her about this? Was she shy herself as a child? I know that the real seeing-red moments of looking after ds have been when he shows traits that I dislike in myself. I really have to pull on all my self-control then. It sounds as if self-control is something she lacks tbh.

cheapskatemum · 21/10/2014 21:29

Would your W agree to relationship counselling? I ask because the way you describe your relationship reminds me of my best male friend's marriage, which broke up a couple of years ago. His W would never agree to counselling, because she wouldn't accept that she was doing anything wrong. I don't want to be pessimistic, but you say you sometimes get frustrated at the moment. She is refusing to discuss your concerns with you. If she continues like this, possibly getting more selfish, how will you feel a few years down the line? My friend was gutted his marriage broke up, but once their DDs had left home, he felt he had to put himself first for a change.

Fairenuff · 21/10/2014 21:35

If she won't talk to you about it I really don't see that you have any option other than saying to her that this isn't working for you.

I think she probably wants out tbh and is too much of a coward to be the one that instigates it. Sorry.

aylesburyduck · 21/10/2014 21:35

You've said that you're quite happy for the most part, but that isn't coming over in your posts and from what you've said about your DW I would hazard a guess she's not happy.

Sitting down and talking adult to adult is the only way you are going to resolve your issues.

I hope you find a way through this.

aero9485429 · 21/10/2014 21:56

I think different people can deal with different levels of stress. Your wife sounds like she has a low stress thresh hold and beyond that shes overwhelmed and hides in her lap top for peace.

If she really is feeling overwhelmed what can she do to help her self? Get more sleep - so early bed, exercise, start a routine with DD so that it's automatic. Also it might be that she is addicted to screen time? If so, she needs to learn to limit it - say 2 hours post kids bedtime to surf net.

tell me more about youre DD. Is she quite sensitive to flavors, clothes, emotions? She might not be shy, just needing time to observe her environment before joining in.

It is very likely that your wife does more then you think

Snickersnickers · 21/10/2014 22:07

I suspect your DD and DW are both highly sensitive - so very similar. Your wife is easily overwhelmed (as last poster said) - while DD struggles to join in., They both need space and down time to feel ok. I'm not sure what o suggest but thought I'd point out the link

Squidstirfry · 21/10/2014 23:59

If you were the woman this sounds like the standard normal relationship...
What do you mean 'punishes' your dd for being shy?

Dirtybadger · 22/10/2014 00:14

What fair said. If she won't discuss problems, they ain't gonna get resolved. You can't fix everything. Sorry.

Whocansay · 22/10/2014 08:22

Anyone who punishes a child for being shy is abusive in my book. What a thoroughly nasty thing to do to a 7 year old.

I would describe her as a bitch too, tbh. And that's not even considering the cheating.

ladymariner · 22/10/2014 08:29

Standard normal relationship squid ? Not in this house, my dh doesn't take to his bed with his laptop as soon as he comes home from work and leave it all to me, that isn't normal. And if this were a woman posting the board would be wash with cries of LTB.

Op, I feel for you, it's clear you love your wife and don't want to end the relationship, but something has got to change, for your sake and that of your dd. Have you told her straight how you are feeling, does she actually realise how she is making you feel? Would you consider counselling? I think if she isn't prepared to at least face there is a problem then maybe you have some tough decisions to make.

Quitelikely · 22/10/2014 08:30

Well the points you have raised are valid. Sounds to me like she is shirking her responsibilities. And you are shouldering much of the responsibility of your daughter.

I think the big issue here is resentment. I think your starting to resent the hell out of her for not contributing enough to the relationship and also for not recognising your contribution considering you have your work and degree.

Resentment is a nasty thing and IME when the issues are not resolved it builds, festers and manifests itself in other ways, this can be in the form of bickering or petty arguments etc.

Don't suffer in silence. Tell your wife why you aren't happy. You only live once do t waste that time being unhappy!

doziedoozie · 22/10/2014 08:33

Perhaps your DD is shy because she has a disinterested, unsupportive DM.

It certainly can't be doing her self esteem much good.

I think DPs who cop out of child care and leave it to the other are just lazy, plus selfish.

Vivacia · 22/10/2014 09:33

This reads like a thread to generate proof that MN advice differs depending upon the OP being male or female.

If it's genuine, my question would be, why are you still with this woman?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/10/2014 09:42

You can't make someone care about you if they don't care & you can't fix a relationship single-handed. Her attitude to your DD's difficulties makes her sound very unpleasant indeed. Her attitude towards you sounds somewhere between detachment and contempt. Is it your fault she is like this?..... not directly. However, when you take back a cheat, the message they often take from it is that you have no self-respect. Any respect they still have for you evaporates & they take it for granted that they can treat you badly and you'll stick around.

I think this is one of those times when a separation is in order. No-one seems happy in the current arrangement - not you, DD or your DW.

TheRealMaryMillington · 22/10/2014 09:45

Whatever the details - there is no love in this post.

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