getting really fed up with "d"w

[Snoopy33]

Hi,

I tried posting this at a different forum but haven't got any responses, I know this is mumsnet but don't know where else to get advice.

I'm getting incredibly frustrated with my W. I'm not sure if she looks on this site but think she may do and don't want to out myself but will try to avoid being too vague.

So - our 7 year old DD has a bit of an issue with being shy, she finds it hard to intersect with children she doesn't know and will almost hide away, my W way of dealing with this is to punish her which in turn makes DD feel bad and get upset. My approach is to reassure DD and encourage her to get involved while not being too hand holdy, I've also suggested going to brownies etc. Which she will be doing.

This brings me onto anothet frustration I have, it always seemed to be down to me to organise/sort anything - after school clubs, child minder, moving house, bills, money etc. My W doesn't seem to appreciate any of this, if I bring it up its "why are you worrying about bills we pay by Direct Debit and that's it" yes but what about the times we haven't had enough money to pat the water bill, who has sorted it, I have. When the child minder said she wasn't doing it anymore and I had 1 week to find someone else who sat back and let me do all the running and and stressing out, you did.

My wife is by no means lazy, she does most of the housework etc though I do help out quite a lot - I'm currently doing degree and it was an agreement that she would take in most of the housework, however I do still help.

However, we both work full time, my job is pretty full on and her, I hate to say, is relatively easy and comes with no stress. When we get home though she will say how tired she is and will get into bed and go on her phone or laptop and pretty much ignore me and DD - I will go and play with DD up until around 7pm DD goes to bed between 7-8, I ask DW if she would mind putting DD to bed while I go and get on with work - now I don't think I should have to remind DW when DDs bedtime is, but 7 comes and I end up getting DD ready for bed and putting her to bed, all the time DW is in bed on her laptop.

A couple of years ago DW cheated on me, it was a horrible time, treating me like a mug by denying anything was going on when it was obvious there was. During that time I hate to admit that I did the 'pick me dance' got into a bit of debt buying her presents to make her 'happy' etc and then when it came out it was me doing all the 'repairing' of the relationship - so at times I feel I may hold a degree of bitterness.

Sometimes I also think maybe I have played a part in her being like this, maybe she is narcissistic as she is quite self obsorbed. I've always let things go when she is being a bitch, I've apologised even when I haven't done anything wrong just for some peace etc.

I do love her but feel she takes me for granted, not interested or doesn't realise how her actions effect others.

Any advice appreciated.

You say wife does almost all of the housework but works full time and takes herself off to bed in the evening.

So when does she actually do the housework?

Ha! A lot of lukewarm advice as the OH is a woman.

OP I'm not afraid to say that she sounds like a right piece of work. A horrible woman with no empathy or family spirit.

Has she always been the same? There are several markers of severe disrespect here (from her to you). I think you're going to have to leave. She won't change - people like that never do. But you can have a nice, equal life with someone who really loves you. Make sure you get at least 50/50 custody of your DD or she'll be stuck with her awful mother.

There - I've said it! Call a spade a spade.

This may be a reverse thread or as Vivacia says an attempt to show that MN treats men differently from women but the way I look at this, the situation that is building up here has similarities with the stories of some of the people on the 'stately homes' threads. Mothers can behave like this just as much as any father as those threads demonstrate. If the OP is genuine then he is right to nip this in the bud, even if it means the end of the marriage, rather than let his DD be candidate for that thread in 15 yrs time. Too many emotionally abused children have a parent who is also under the thumb of the abusing parent and they don't get the support they need.

My first thought, if she won't discuss this, is to try counselling and in doing so make her realise that you are serious about sorting your frustrations. She needs to know you might have put up with her affair but there are limits - you won't take everything she throws at you. I suspect she has lost respect for you a bit because you didn't end the relationship back especially as you have put up with so much crap since. On the other hand she could have withdrawn because she just doesn't know where to start putting things right and in doing so has made things worse. She will go to counselling if that is the case.

If she refuses to go with you, go by yourself to see how you can deal with this but I think it will be the end of the marriage and you will be working on how to extricate yourself from the relationship with the minimum of damage rather than trying to mend it.

Also for what it's worth OP I am the same as you. I would probably try to work through an affair but it would be when I saw evidence of the same level of disrespect played out large scale I would consider leaving. Also if my partner seemed disinterested or cruel to my child I would instantly fall out of love.

I'm going to focus on the punishment of your shy daughter.
My dd is also shy. Very shy. I wouldn't dream of punishing her for being who she is. Rather I gently encourage and never force her outside of her comfort zone. She is enthusiastic and has friends, and fares far better when she can take things at her own pace. Progress is slow but unfailingly steady.

I think in that respect your wife sounds like she is either cruel, or stupid. Possibly it's both.

For your dd's sake, please tackle this one first.

MN does treat men differently to women. We don't need a thread to prove that. It has been proven time and time again by people thinking they are being 'feminists' and 'supportive of women' when really they are being twats.

OP why are you still married? From what you have posted it sounds as though your wife resents the time spent with you and DD.

I'm not going to treat OP differently or give him different advice. I've already said that if she won't talk to him, there's not really anything he can do except put an end to this relationship. He can't fix it on his own. He may not be able to fix it at all. It sounds to me like it's over anyway.

But I think we need more clarification about what's going on. Based just on what he has said it's hard to see why he is still with her or what kind of advice he wants from us, other than permission to separate.

On the surface it sounds like two people in an unhappy relationship, making their dd unhappy too just because neither of them wants to be the one to end it.

From what you have posted it sounds as though your wife resents the time spent with you and DD.

puds it sounds to me more like she is trying to avoid being with OP. She could be in her bed, posting on mn about how to ltb for all we know. OP says she isn't lazy, works full time, does most of the housework so it is unusual to disappear when they are both home together.

Maybe that's her 'down' time and she cracks on with jobs in the evening whilst he is studying, or maybe she spends the whole weekend catching up with all the shopping and cleaning. We don't know. That's why I asked.

If OP comes back, we might find out a bit more but it's too little to make a judgement unless OP actually engages with us a bit more.

I don't think we are at a point where splitting need be an option.

We are happy on the most part I just find myself getting quite frustrated sometimes

That's your problem. You put up with this awful behaviour by her, and she knows you will. So it doesn't matter how badly she behaves, as the worst that will happen is that you will feel a bit frustrated.

She doesn't sound a very nice person. We all make our choices in life. Perhaps you have chosen badly. I'm sure you both get something out of this relationship, but it doesn't sound like love in the conventional sense.

I'd lay a bet that your dd's shyness is a lot to do with your DW's attidues and behaviours.

Didn't read the whole thread but from your OP it seems that she doesn't care much about you or the family sorry.

Her attitude re: organising stuff for the kid and not being interested in playing/doing bed time is similar to my STBXH's attitude, a pert that he puts the TV on for my kid to undermine my routines and parenting, I do miss the time when he would juts crawl in bed and stay there TBH.

You sound like a good father and a decent man. I know separation/divorce is really scary and difficult, I am going through it ATM and unfortunately there is custody battles and all that, but you should really start thinking about it because in the long run, if her attitude doesn't improve, what are YOU going to do? You deserve to be happy and feel loved and supported.

If you are not ready to split, try counselling, written routines and rotas, for stuff to be done/shared at home etc...however I do not know a potion or spell for make a parent to be interested in their child, sorry. If she doesn't listen to you send her long letters or emails explaining in detail everything you wrote here and more, make sure to keep one copy and her reply to yourself, this could be useful in the future should you need to prove you are the most 'responsible' parent.

Wish you good luck. Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to.

The only thing to beware of OP is that I know some people who had a marriage like this, with the woman as your wife is and a good dad. They broke up but the mum got custody of the kids, who are now living in an unloving and halfarsed home.

Yep, that is what I am worried about. The OP needs to do some research before splitting up and protect himself regarding 50/50 custody etc.
Sorry OP my last post is filled with errors and spelling mistakes but I have one 7 year old daughter (who go to Brownies) and I understand. I hope your daughter have a lovely time in Brownies, the girls are encouraged to be very friendly there.

I think you guys really need to sit down and talk. You need to lay all the cards out on the table. I don't think she's happy, whether it's that she regrets becoming a mum, or she's depressed, or she's a narcissist, it needs to come out so that you can all move forward and your dd can grow up in a healthier environment.

No one should ever be punished for being shy.