Continuing saga..don't know what to do next..long sorry.

[monkeytrousers]

For those of you who don't know mt DP is withdrawing from an addiction to painkillers. He is in a very fragile place, with all the problems asscociaye with addictions hurting us, secrecy, dishonesty, and anger, mood swings (from both of us now as I struggle to understand) and resentement.

He has abig thing about disclosure, and has gone mad in the past if I have ever shared any of our problems, especially with his mother or sister, who are very supportive. He admitted the addiction and again expected me to keep it from people, under the premise that it wasn't their business and that his family have a history of addiction problems and he wanted to save them the stress of knowing this. As I realised that this secrecy was how he maintained the addiction, and that it would also mean I had no active support, I told his sister anyway. She was not dfevestated as he imagined she would be, but very pragmantic and supportive. She agreed that it was impotent he didn't know she knew as this would deflect attention from the issue at hand, which is getting him off Tramadol...

Anyway, I went ahead with a planned housewarming party on Sat which to all intents and purposes was a great success. DP's business partners were there, one of which is disabled and is a major source of Tramadol for him, when he is not buying it off the internet.

Anyway, DP got very drunk and became upset while talking to her about a mutual friend they both lost recently. DP was in bits and they hugged, but from the angle I was at it at first looed as though they were kissing. (She is female) I was standing by another friend and made a lame joke, saying "do you think there's tongues in there?". It was all a bit embarressing and I went over and obvioulsy discovered it was only a hug. DP was inconsolable about the death of his friend, was rambling incoherantly and I put him to bed.

Later, when all the guests had gone me and this woman and his other (male) business partner (it was actually his father that had died, but they were all great friends) stayed up until 5 talking about this. I confided in them that DP was in trouble and that I would do with their help, especially with regards to the Tramadol, asking if she gave him some, to simply tell me so that I could track how much he was getting (he has actually told me the last two times she has given him them but I just wanted a fall back should he get in to trouble with them again.) She said she would think about it basically, and was worried that doing such a thing would constitute a betrayal of their friendship. She also said she wasn't aware he was getting them off the internet too.

This was all a very risky thing for me to do, and it absolutely depended on their discresion. I appealed to them his friends, all of us people who care deeply about him, that we could work together to get him through this, and share information.

Anyway, I texted them last night as I was getting a bit worried that I'd been too indiscrete. I got this text back;

Thanks for your messge MT, Me and .... have given considerab;e thought as to how to approach this and will let you know what we've done and hopefully how it was recieved. I won't do anytghing behind .......'s back. My relationship with him depends on honsety so reporting his tramadol consumption is out of the question. I will talk to him and I won't give him any more. Hope that is ok.

I repliedL:

....., ....., all I can do is beg you not to confront ior disclose this to him. As you saw the other night he is in a very delicate place at the moment and I fear this will send him over the edge and make life very hard for us here. If i cannot appeal to you fro my sake then I aks you for DS, and of course DP himself. The tramadol is not causeing a problem at work as far as i could tell talking to you both, so I'd ask you to give us the time to continue with our programme of getting DP free of it. We are at a crucial moment in reducing his dose. I would really like to ask you to forget that i confided in you. I am struggling to save my family and know DP is not in the place to take this well. I'm sure if you give us the time to get through this DP will confide in you both in his own time. You can't help me, I understand and respect that, but please leave it at that and give us the opprotunity to get through this. DP will be honest with you in time I'm sure of it, but let us do this slowly..
----

Bascically, I think I know that she will tell him anyway, as i believe she is (not so secretly) in love with him and this represents an opprotunity to damage us here. I feel like I've been a naive idiot. I know she will tell him and he will feel I have betrayed him...what a mess..

Message withdrawn

If you are certain she will tell him - then you have to tell him first. Tell him you are worried for him, and were trying to help - and you hope it has not backfired.

Maybe write it all down - so that he can reread it when he isina quiet place on his own - and you are not in the middle of an emotional argument.

You are spot on, MT. She loves him.

I can even see that from here.

BUT, this is where his loyalty to you and the family you have created comes into play.

You have stood by him. How can he expect you to do that during this time w/NO support for yourself?

Don't you find that a bit selfish?

Even when I was at the depths of addiction, I could see that myself.

You need some support, either from a group or counselling.

B/c you're going to NEED all the self-esteem boosting you can get.

Not just for him, not just for you, but for your child, too.

As for her using this to her advantage, she sounds pretty f*cked up. I can't imagine giving an addict gear, KNOWING they had a child depending on them.

If that's his and her idea of love, do you want your child thinking that is, too?

Cuz from here, it looks warped.

I'd tell him right away what I'd done. And when he gets in your face about it, well, tbh, I think I'd ask him to go elsewhere for the time being.

b/c his making you feel bad about needing support to deal w/his addiction is the last thing you need just now.

VENT ON HERE! But also please, please, please look to the community for some support.

It sounds like you are being incredibly selfless and supportive to a very lucky man. So he has a problem with disclosure, big deal, you have a problem with his addiction.
So you talked about it with some of his friends, he should understand that you needed to talk to people who are close to him too. Tell him before she does.

Although I wouldn't be sure that this womans motives are sinister, I suppose you can't rule it out. But I can see why his friends/business partners don't want to go behind his back. And she has talked to the other guy about this so it is not just her opinion so for your own sake forget about the 'in love' thing, you have enough on your plate.

If she continues to give him Tramadol she is pretty low but imo she should be allowed to explain to him why she may refuse him.
Sorry for you this is a grim situation.

I think you're taking on too much of this alone and it's gonna make you crack.

I mean, why is it YOUR responsibility to try to monitor his usage?

Shouldn't that be HIM making the effort to do that b/c he wants to do his 100% to try to tackle the addiction for the sake of his health and family?

When you're overcoming addiction, you need a lot of help and support - from family and friends - not 'friends' who give you gear.

WTF?!

As I wrote, there's NO way I'd give gear to an addict who had kids!

I'd be thinking, 'X is an addict, and I know how addicts can lose track of things, what if the kid got hold of the gear! I'd never be able to live w/myself!'

Also, FWIW, I've not known ANYONE addicted to painkillers who was able to shake them cold turkey.

90% of the people I know in that situation had to do a stint in a rehab clinic.

They are very close but I know he is not attatched romantically, but non the less there have been a couple of times when a conflict if interest has occured

Expat is right of course, the problem with addiction isn't supply, he may well need professional help.
And he doesn't really have any right to be waffling on about disclosure when his family are in turmoil.

There should be NO conflict of interest where family are concerned.

If that's the case, he needs professional help, tbh.

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

MT

You need to get support for your own self if you're going to come out the other side because he will otherwise drag you down with him:-

www.ukna.org (narcotics anonymous - they also help families of people addicted)
www.over-count.org.uk

Will he and or your good self reach out for professional help and support?. You both need this to my mind.

She has just rand and said she is relieved that I have asked her not to do anything and has reassured me that she won't say anything to him. I do beleive her, as i think she knows doing so would precipitate a crisis where we would all suffer.

I am going to seek help, though at the moment I will have to do it on my own as he is determined to do this on his own (with my help)..that's just the kind of person he is..and prbably one of the reason's he's in this situation right now andyway.

I will reach out on here too, it might be a bit sporadic as most of the time I'm just confused, but I do so appreciate your support. I'll have a look at those sites Atilla. Now, I'm off to toddlers with my little superboy.

xxx

Your little boy is very lucky to have you for his mum.

Your partner is VERY lucky to have you.

I know you love him, but man, this guy has what dozens would gladly give their all for.

Hope he doesn't throw it all away b/c of pride and not being able to reach out.

Hi MT - just to echo what everwise expat said - you're doing too much for him. He's got to do this himself with your support, not your control. Otherwise you'll simply replace the addiction to the drugs with addiction to you (which sounds fine but believe me isn't). He has to take control back not give it to someone/thing else.

Its really really tough being the support for an addict, and to be honest best not attempted without support for the support - proper, detached, professional support by preference

Hi all, yesterday I did something I've never done before and looked at the texts on DP's phone. It's bad, it's wrong - theoretically at least - but I needed to understand where I stood.

Well the text he sent the other night mentioned below had been deleted, but there were two more which I think illustrates the intimacy they share. 1st one from her said (and I have to paraphrase some vague details as I've mislaid my phone today), "Hello Darling boy. I wanted to talk to you today but wasn't sure if I could. wanted to know if we were okay, with you getting all upset and that the other night and to say that I am (okay with it I think she means). Love you x

he replied:

We find sweetie. I don't mind the old man haunting me occasionally, it helps me remember him. x

Now, this may not seem too outrageous, but if you can appreciate this is another blow to me as

1. he hasn't used this tone with me for ages
2. the 'sweetie' hurts as it was a term of affection between us.
3. although it does not indicate a physical betrayal (which I'm positive isn't happening) is it non the less a romantic one.

He said the other day that he is committed to taking positive steps to improve our relationship. I do not think he appreciates that this is inappropriate, although he has not disclosed obvious intimate the nature of their correspondence.

I am going to talk to couple of friends who live a 10 minute walk away, who have a DD just a few months younger than DS and who live in a very large house, to ask them if me and DS can move in with them for a while.

This will be my last effort to save our relationship. If the time he has alone fails to make him realise that his whole life is almost irretrievably compromised then, terrified as I am, as it will mean plunging me and DS into abject poverty, I will leave him for good.

Tell me if this is a good or a bad plan.. What I do know for sure is that I can't continue to live with him knowing these intimacies take place with another woman, however platonically he feels they are, they compromise our relationship (along with all the other dishonesties) beyond endurance, even for me.

Sorry, that was from me. I forgot to change my name back.

Oh God Monkey Trousers, I am so so sorry for you. You are right though, you do need to do something to stop this situation. He does seem to be romantically involved with this woman and you are right to be thinking of a seperation in order to focus his selfish drug addled mind. However why would you move out? Your ds needs stability at a time like this.

MT
In your situation, from all you've written on here, I think for your own health, and that of your son, that it's time to leave him.

Now.

No more confronting, rows, etc.

It's past that and pointless, b/c he's just not there for it, sweetheart.

I know it's going to be hard and really, really hurt.

But tbh I'm quite worried for you, and I mean that in the kindest way possible.

Carmenere, we have just moved into the most beautiful house and he has never engaged with that at any level.

I think DS will be very happy with me in our friends house, which he is very familiar with and is great friends with their DD.

What I hope it will do, as you so brutally put it, is to focus his mind on what he has before he loses it. I want him to stay in our family home and hopefully the ghosts of us moving around in it will help wake him up the seriousness of the situation, because he just either laughs or gets angry and says 'don't start'.

I really can't bare it anymore. I had to come home from work today because it was getting difficult to hide that I was upset, one minute I had it under control, the next it was just welling up in me and I was shaking. I said I was ill and left. For the sake of DS I can't let myself become ill.

There's no such thing as stability living in a house w/a man who's addicted to drugs and showing zero respect for his partner and hte mother of his child.

Not to mention, I'd be worried about his moods whilst he was using and/or leaving my child in his care at all, tbh.

For your own emotional sanity, I think I'd move on or ask him to leave.

Abject poverty?

Let's not forget that JK Rowling was a single mum in Leith living on Income Support for a while.

It doesn't have to be forever.

If you're in Edinburgh, let me know. I've got another single mum pal just coming through next week who's in the same boat as far as having to organise a life for her and her two daughters.

i know epis, thanks..

You're going to be all right, MT! (((HUGS)))

If you can't bear it, you can't bear it.

It's not your fault!

A blind man can see how much you love this man.

But he needs help NO ONE but a professional can give him, and he needs to reach out.

Or lose what he's got.

That's for him to decide.

What is for you to decide is to take up your own sanity, your own emotional well-being, and, in so doing, that of your son.

Infact I would go as far to say that he may well end up losing everything, even then there is no guarantees he will get off the painkillers. Many people have to do rehab to do this and even then there can be relapses.

And I forgot to mention that our neighbours are so great here, so welcoming and are already frim friends.

The husband of one is a former heroin addict who says he will make himself available if DP want's to talk. I was talking to them both last night and what they went through, the lies and resentements and humilation, it's all so familiar to where we are now. I mentioned it to him but he laughed it off. But if I'm not here he might just pop down for a drink one night, hopefully.

I also found this but agian he isn't ready for any of that.

I know Atilla, I know people who have been in denial all of their lives, my mother for one - but that's also why I know I can't just sit down and wait because many people never come out the other end of this.

So right, Attila.

That's why it's so important for you, MT, to get that support, to have those friends and comfort zone around you.