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Original poster

Is the midlife crisis real?

46 replies

Stuckinastorm · 21/10/2014 13:13

I'm 28, my 'dh' is 46, we have 3 young dcs. Been together (ish)over 9 years.
A few months ago he was having a full blown sordid affair.
(We're trying to work things through, but he's currently not living at home, I threw him out over 3months ago)
He's taken out a loan he didn't need to buy a new car he didn't need and go on a holiday alone he couldn't afford
His behaviour has changed, he seems a bit 'weird'- although since his affair I've had to change a bit, & being apart from family etc could have changed him.
It's got me thinking....
Is the midlife crisis a real thing? How long does it last? Any long term changes?
I'm going to google it now...

OP posts:
SpanielofDoom · 21/10/2014 13:30

I think some of us do start to question the meaning of my life, what am I doing, what have I done, what's been my contribution, have I only got about 30 years left, etc etc when we hit a certain age.
From my entirely unscientific observations, because I have BTDT and have watched/am watching numerous friends going through similar, it tends to happen around the mid 40's.
Those of us who made massive life changes - two long term ones in my case - usually had other major stuff going on at the time and I think that's partly what drives it.

All of that said, it should not be used as an excuse for bad behaviour that is selfish and hurtful to others.

Original poster
Stuckinastorm · 21/10/2014 13:35

He's not used it as an excuse for his affair, a thread here on age gaps made me consider it, something I'd always previously thought was just a saying.
Do you mean you made big life changes because of midlife crisis or did the choices cause mlc?

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 21/10/2014 13:37

Are you sure he has dumped the OW?

On holiday alone? Hmmmm I've got serious doubts about that claim too! Where did he go if you don't mind me asking?

pieceofpurplesky · 21/10/2014 13:37

My EX H would deny it. But six months ago he walked out on me and his DS. He had no reason to, things had been tough for a fee months following a miscarriage but I thought we were getting through it. Since splitting he has started dressing differently, joined a band, new friends, doesn't really see old friends, completely changed, dropped old hobbies.
But still denies mid life crisis!!

SpanielofDoom · 21/10/2014 13:44

stuck the changes I made were very much caused by mlc , but I'd had a couple of very stressful years prior, including the loss of my only surviving parent, and I think that certainly contributed.

Original poster
Stuckinastorm · 21/10/2014 13:48

#quite# yes they've split. She was in South Africa when he went to Turkey, me, dcs and my friend were also elsewhere in Turkey. (She took his place on our holiday)

piece sorry to hear that :(

spaniel sorry to hear that... May I ask if you regret any of the changes you made/ if you wanted or tried to change them after?

How long does it last?

OP posts:
Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 21/10/2014 13:50

My ex had it full blown. Got a big motorbike but no motorcycle license got a piece of totty wearing a fanny pelmet, got loads of tattoos and in the space of about five months changed to the point where he was even speaking with a Scottish accent although he was Welsh. He lost weight and he was unrecognisable with my toe mark on his sorry arse it was sad and a bit tragic. No happy ending either. Fanny pelmet dumped him and went back to her husband and he is living in a grubby little flat and had to sell the bike to pay me what he owed me from the split.

VeryThelma · 21/10/2014 16:13

Hey XH had one at 30 had a EA (though it may have been more am not interested) in 4 months had left, dyed his hair blond (he was a short plump GP)

What I am trying to say is that sometimes people just change I dint think it's just mid life, it's just at that time in your life often more people are involved?

Good luck sort yourself out and look after your family then when you have the time deal with his shit!

Original poster
Stuckinastorm · 21/10/2014 16:16

Haha mine died his hair white/blonde for a long time. When he crawled back I told him not to dye it, he's stopped & is now his regular brown with grey bits:)

OP posts:
SpanielofDoom · 21/10/2014 16:25

stuck, I don't regret the changes I made but I wish I'd slowed down and thought things through a bit more.
I made a huge career change and looking back, I just hadn't thought ahead carefully enough. This was just when the recession started to hit and the timing was all wrong.
Everything's good now - I have a job that I enjoy very much with only 10% of the stress I had before - but I did have about 3 years that were quite tough.
You asked how long it lasts. For me it was about 18 months.

Joysmum · 21/10/2014 16:40

I'm making lots of changes now I'm in my 40's, I think lots of people do. I thinks it's only called a mid life crisis when they are changes others don't agree with.

Original poster
Stuckinastorm · 21/10/2014 18:57

That's interesting joysmum

OP posts:
Original poster
Stuckinastorm · 21/10/2014 19:34

I've finally googled it.
Midlife transition it's now called.

So my dh behaviour has changed recently, he was dying his hair, he's gone out & brought s new car, had an affair with someone much younger than him.....
How do I cope with/deal with this? It's all new to me & something I'd never thought about before :(

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 21/10/2014 19:50

He was 37 and you were 19? He sounds like an immature tosser to be honest.

SofaSpud · 21/10/2014 19:54

Hi stuck. I'm not sure what to advise. I just Googled mid life transition too and I just saw selfishness. ..sorry. You have 3 young dcs and have been treat awfully. What's the situation now. Are you still separated? Is he apologetic? Flowers

Original poster
Stuckinastorm · 21/10/2014 19:58

Hmm the situation changes daily, yesterday I said this was his last chance & if he messes it up we're done.
There's an age gap thread on here someone else started, that's whst got me thinking.
I'm now on Amazon looking at books...

OP posts:
SofaSpud · 21/10/2014 20:08

I think you are trying too hard to understand and excuse what he has done. The age gap thread (to me) seemed to demonstrate that it's no different to any other relationship. Sometimes good and sometimes bad. What do you want? Do you want to stay together?

StopStalkingMe · 21/10/2014 20:47

Mid life crisis or not, if he had a conscious, he wouldn't have let his penis dictate his decisions. Confused

I think some people say if someone is having a midlife crisis, that some how absolves them of responsibility. Like they can't help themselves? 'I'm trying to 'find' myself......inside another woman's t**t'. How ridiculous.

You can read all those books and try to 'understand' him all you want, but let me ask you this........How often do you think he thinks of you?

Get on with your life and leave him to 'find' himself in some other poor woman who thinks she deserves that.

WildBillfemale · 21/10/2014 20:52

and in the space of about five months changed to the point where he was even speaking with a Scottish accent although he was Welsh

Got to be one of the funniest things I've read on MN lol

Simplesusan · 21/10/2014 21:05

There is no excuse for adultery.

I wpouldn't waste your breath trying to understand it.
I know it's easy for me to say but he has done it now, he has told you exactly who he is. Listen to him and move on with your life.

Don't ever excuse his behaviour.

TheOldWiseOne · 21/10/2014 21:24

Are you asking about midlife crisis in men? Google Andropause....yes there are many men who go through a period like this - you only have to read the threads on this site..how many of them are there? Married 25 years, married 30 years etc...It's not the marriage - it's the AGE - they start questioning their life? They are getting old - their sons are doing the things they want to do - they are coming to the end of their careers/work life....blah, blah....tbh with you I think it is as real as the female menopause is - it just translates in different ways! A doctor told me they get a "surge" of testosterone which causes such reckless and risky behaviour and it is as real as PMT and hormonal imbalance..... I get that there will be many who say that these men are total losers ( to put it politely) but that is the same as saying that a depressed person or a menopausal woman is a loser - that is, if you believe this doctor... from my experiences the last couple of years with all the couples I know, I really believe there is something in all of this! Or are they just all c*s?

Original poster
Stuckinastorm · 21/10/2014 21:39

I understand both points- yes he is a t**t, but I talk about that on seperate threads, I was hoping to learn more about midlife crisis/ transition/ andropause (I'll google that).... To figure if that's another thing I need to figure out wether I can cope with, or wether that's another thing to make me cut & run. Googling it at least I now have a possibility as to why he's gone from always biting his nails, to growing them, buffing them & hating them breaking...

OP posts:
Original poster
Stuckinastorm · 21/10/2014 21:45

Just googled andropause & I'm sure he doesn't have it, if anything he has increased sex drive, no hot sweats or anything like that...

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/10/2014 07:42

I'm not convinced it's a psychological syndrome. Truth is that some people are selfish, some don't want to take responsibility, some don't want to grow up and they are the same way whether they are 25 or 65. Others get to middle age see the end of the road looming large, get out their' '100 things to do before you die' list and start ticking off the boxes.

None of those things are an excuse to mistreat the people you're supposed to love. Which I suspect you're scrabbling to find. Big mistake.

TheOldWiseOne · 22/10/2014 10:04

Exactly - it isn't psychological - it's physically induced with adverse levels of various things in the body ....NOT making excuses for anyone here at all but it is as "real" as PMT, menopause etc...also NOT saying that this is the case here but feel if just one person reads this and stores it away for future use when they think they are going mad then that's a good thing! If only all our actions could be neatly boxed and labelled.