Is the midlife crisis real?

[Stuckinastorm]

I'm 28, my 'dh' is 46, we have 3 young dcs. Been together (ish)over 9 years.
A few months ago he was having a full blown sordid affair.
(We're trying to work things through, but he's currently not living at home, I threw him out over 3months ago)
He's taken out a loan he didn't need to buy a new car he didn't need and go on a holiday alone he couldn't afford
His behaviour has changed, he seems a bit 'weird'- although since his affair I've had to change a bit, & being apart from family etc could have changed him.
It's got me thinking....
Is the midlife crisis a real thing? How long does it last? Any long term changes?
I'm going to google it now...

I think the one thing that helps the spouse/partner of a MLC male is that it proves beyond any reasonable doubt that IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT. There is nothing you can do because a MLC male is trying to capture something he has never had and you are just part of what he is trying to deny and escape from. H's OW provided what I couldnt - she was young, she worshipped the ground he walked on, she was his damsel in distress. She made him feel good. I don't worship anyone, I was almost as old as he was, and, thanks to years of having to take responsibility for almost everything, I wasn't good at being the damsel in distress . If my constant, supportive, loyal love wasn't good enough for him, that was his loss.

I told him what I was and was not prepared to accept and then waited till he got his head out of his arse.

Did he do it? Are you ok now? I'm assuming from what you said that you took him back, did it take him long?
H still trying but right now I'm not feeling it, that said, my feelings change on a daily basis

Yes he did. To be fair I didn't have to wait long. In fact he ended it with her almost immediately - however there was a period where he was doing everything I asked but I am sure was only partly there and I have no doubt he missed the way she made him feel. He sure as hell didn't want to lose me but he wasn't totally sure he was OK with losing OW. He still thought it was some sort of tragic love story . He got there in the end and we're doing well. I clearly remember just after christmas (exactly 6m after dday as it happens) and I mentioned OW. He made a mildly disparaging comment about her and I said (trying to avoid sarcasm) 'But I thought you loved her?' and his reply was 'Yes, I thought I did too'.

I still have my moments I must admit. But most of the time I am doing well.

I am fairly sure I had my own MLC - but 10 years earlier. I had some serious 'Is this all there is' moments and I contemplated leaving my marriage, changing careers, moving away with the kids. SO it isn't as if I don't sympathise with the feelings - but it's what you DO with it and how much you impact other people that matters.

"my feelings change on a daily basis"

BTW... me too. They did for a long time. Thank god I have more certainty now and I feel safe again.

There's phases of behavior which are common through life. For example teenage rebellion, the wild twenties, mid life crisis etc. and they become cliché I suppose because they are so commonly observed.

I think the process of evolving yourself as an adult human-being in a healthy individual should be gradual and ongoing from birth to old age. Deciding you want to do more of something and making it happen. Deciding you want to get fit and starting to train. Deciding you are a bit bored or unfulfilled and taking on a new hobby or career. Bravo to those who "evolve" and grow as life goes by because they are the happiest and most fullfilled people around.

Other people are crap at knowing what they want, crap at analysing the parts of their lives which they are not happy with, talking about those, working on ways to improve them so they sort of "put up with it" until they think "I can't live like this anymore" and run off for a new life.

It's the ultimate in immaturity really because all you are doing is transporting yourself to a new situation believing it will change your life and eventually you will only find that the changes you need to make come from within. Some people are just too emotionally dim to get this.

They reach a certain age and think "I am unhappy, it must be the fault of my spouse. She doesn't do x y z anymore, but this new woman does...if I replace my old, boring wife for this young new model then I will be happy again."

Viewing life like that is quote sad. It's avoiding all responsibility for how YOU feel and avoiding any kind of growth in yourself.

I also think mid life crisis is often covert / undiagnosed depression in men.

It may be worth finding Midlife Crisis Club:

midlifeclubforum.com/

Male perspective here. I turned 49 this year and all of a sudden I seem to have a constant nagging feeling of 'is this it?' about life. I don't want an affair, a sports car or a motorbike and even if I did I couldn't afford any of them and any one of them would probably kill me. In my opinion the midlife crisis is a thing and affects different men in different ways to varying degrees. I know several sad cases who started acting like horny teenagers at 40 desperate to prove they are still cool and have 'got it' and I also know several who start acting like they've got one foot in the grave and regard beige cardigans as a good look. Horses for courses and all that.

Whether the midlife crisis is a psychological syndrome or just a reaction to changing life and responsibilties, I dunno. But it definitely exists, whatever it actually is. What I also know is that not all men are arseholes and despite evidence to contrary/the received wisdom of Mumsnet, most can control themselves around the opposite sex without rubbing against them like a demented Jack Russell.

" contrary/the received wisdom of Mumsnet"

Women also get the idea that life is passing them by, don't forget. People act out of character for all kinds of reasons. There is no age-limit on stupidity

'Women also get the idea that life is passing them by, don't forget. People act out of character for all kinds of reasons. There is no age-limit on stupidity'

I'm pretty sure that is the same for both genders.

barrysponge haha made me smile :)
Have been told about a website to look on for support for spouses of those cheating in mlc....

It's called
The Heros spouse (
American site)
I'll have a look later

So h dyed his hair, had an affair with someone much younger, brought a new car, has started having completely uncharacteristic mood swings, keeps talking about his childhood memories.... How did the signs not hit me sooner?! It's like something from a text book- & no I'm not excusing the full blown affair or its sordid details.

My husband was the typical mid life crisis (he's 44).
Purchased expensive sports car in April, left in August for OW he met on a works course. Now he wears distressed jeans, slogan t-shirts and has shaved his beard (long stubble really) off. He's moved to be near her.

He left me after 23 years (14 years married) with two children that he couldn't careless about.

It's all about him, what he wants, me,me,me and doesn't give a damn about hurting anyone (including his children).

As women we put others first - as men they seem oblivious to others pain and suffering. I told him my little one was crying after he walked out and he just said 'she'll get over it'.

He's now snuggled up to a younger woman (who also has a child) and my children cry themselves to sleep.

He could have chosen to ride out the MLC with the family - but once he got a taste of freedom he was off. And one abandoned family.

It is truly scary seeing that transformation in someone you have known so long.

In the long term, how did you come to terms with it?

I personally (horrible to say and I would never wish it) think of him as dead because I have no other way to reconcile who he was all those years with who he became

I don't think I'll ever come to terms with what he has done. I'll never understand why. I'll never get any answers from him. I feel like I have been rubbed out of his life as if I never existed. He seems to want to create a new history where everything I did was wrong and we were never happy.

And you're right - the person I loved died the day he walked out. This nasty, vindictive, financially abusive man is not the man I married.

Did anyone else experience them turning mutual friends / family against you? Like suddenly finding yourself ostracised by people you'd always been close to and not understanding why?

For me that was one of the worst bits. Being treated like shit by someone I thought loved me and suddenly finding out I was being made out to be the bad guy behind my back.

I'll never know what it was he said, but if those people knew what actually happened they'd be mortified.

I sometimes feel like the devil himself possessed him.

Sorry for the hijack there a bit. A year on and this still stings so much! I will never come to terms with it or understand why either. I actually asked him if I had ever done a single thing to him that was bad and he said "no". Who knows why he tried to destroy me? Will never get it.

I know exactly how you feel. When I told his mum and dad about his affair they were supportive but within a few days they had turned and I haven't seen or heard from them since.

I must be the evil one! Although deep down I know I'm not - he's the tosser who has to make me out to be the one that wrecked the marriage. Perhaps they are filled with shame so they have to direct the anger at us to make them feel better. Or they are just insensitive, evil creatures who enjoy inflicting even more pain on the mother of their children.

Before I found mumsnet I thought it had only happened to me but the similarities are amazing. They must have a handbook somewhere - with bullet points on how to destroy their wives so that the OW fits into a completely empty space. No feelings left.

As women do we completely change into a whole different person midlife?

Yes, h is a different person now.

Perhaps your x will explain himself to you when he gets past this stage (not that it would make up for anything).
An old colleague of mine was married 3 times- every wife cheated- everytime his friends all turned against him and he had no idea why..
For me all his friends and family have been nice, & my friends, well some especially have been amazing!

They must have a handbook somewhere - with bullet points on how to destroy their wives so that the OW fits into a completely empty space. No feelings left.

Yes.

I would say a MLC was a contributing factor to the affair in our situation, definitely. Started when he was 42. In the same year he lost his job, got another and then was made redundant 6 months later. Started getting more and more pensive about the loss of close family from years before. Then came the secrecy, lies about whereabouts, disinterest in family, then nastiness, weight loss, clothes appearing from nowhere (he had no money), then 'staying with a friend in need' for a couple of days...

It was a mix of things - what started as a typical MLC turned into a typical affair. OW was just someone he could say whatever he wanted to and she'd give him a 'there there' and quick shag in the car whilst I would have told him to 'chin up'.

Selfish.

I think my ex's started early 30's, once the kids were born. They were born quite close together and so it was full on babies, nappies, sleepless nights, etc.... He didn't like it. He didn't like sharing me with his children.
As time went on, he got more and more bored with being a 'family' man.
Cramped his style. He even said he 'mourned his youth'.

He started to lose weight before he left, talked about upgrading his car, bought himself a fancy expensive stereo set (his version of a sports-car).
Now he dresses like a 20 something grunge (shifty looking fucker now), has a girlfriend who looks young as well with no kids hopping off for romantic weekends away when he pleases. 'Living the life' apparently.
Now he can do what he wants when he wants with who he wants and is getting all the sex he could ever want (which is all he ever wanted from me, really. Resident sex-bot). I wonder if he knows he's just a boring old cliche now.