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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP and I have split up - what happens at Xmas?

37 replies

Manderley · 01/10/2006 20:51

I'd be grateful for any advice.
I've split up with dp - we have a 2.5yr old son.
We had a short and immensely rocky relationship (I got pg after 8 weeks) and it took a lot of courage for me to end it. It was a disaster and he didn't really support me when ds was born, although he thinks he has been wonderful. He likes the idea of having a family but resented his life changing and having to look after ds at weekends etc. We have argued constantly, didn't have sex for two years etc etc.

He has been verbally abusive to me from the moment he realised I wanted out. I am exhausted and trying to keep it together for the sake of ds.
I am a 'mad bitch' and a c*t and a 'f**ing frigid bitch'.
I wish he would go away but I want a decent, working relationship with him for ds' sake.
My question is - to anyone who has been there - what the hell happens at Xmas?
His mother - who has also been pretty dreadful to me - has terminal cancer. She would love to have her grandson around at Xmas and it has always been a massive issue.
Is it OK for ds to go after Xmas even if his maternal grandmother is dying? Surely a little boy should spend Xmas with his mother?
Mentally exhausted by the lot of them. Sorry if sound like horrible person.

OP posts:
ja9 · 01/10/2006 20:53

so sorry for you. have no advice.

hang in there. someone 'wise' will be along soon...

KellyKrueger1978 · 01/10/2006 20:55

can you agree to sharing. the first year my exh and I split, he came round for a few hours int he morning then had them on boxing day. Perhaps your son could go for a few hours int he afternoon?

TortUREoiseChamber · 01/10/2006 20:58

Can you share the day? You have the morning and xp have the afternoon?
I only got 1 and half hours with my ds's last xmas.Xp2 got 3 hours with dd's.
No idea what will happen this year.Im going through court to get my ds's home.(long story!)
He sounds like the horrible one.Hope you sort somthing out.

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 01/10/2006 20:58

I would let him have your ds for either the morning, ie let him stay the night before or else let him have him for a late dinner onwards. Crap as it is what has happened to you, and his abusive behaviour to you, your son still deserves to see both his parents on Christmas. And if his paternal grandmother is not going to be around next year he should spend at least some of the day with her.
Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear.

Original poster
Manderley · 01/10/2006 21:02

The problem is I want to go to my parents' and dp wants to go to his mother's. They live four hours away from each other. There is no question of sharing the day.

OP posts:
CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 01/10/2006 21:07

There is, it involves both of you travelling for two hours each and the little fella unfortunately travelling for four. You both have to make sacrifices.

TortUREoiseChamber · 01/10/2006 21:08

Can you go to your parents boxing day?
Spend the morning at home with your ds and xp have the afternoon then?

Original poster
Manderley · 01/10/2006 21:11

CCC - my ex-dp can't even drive!! It would actually be impossible. Is that really the best solution to put a two-year-old in a car for four hours on Xmas day? Would that not be a case of a kid suffering so that the grown-ups don't feel they've missed out or someone else has got a better deal? I don't like it.

OP posts:
TortUREoiseChamber · 01/10/2006 21:12

The trouble is a single parent doesn't always get to spend xmas day or some of it with their dc.My riend and her xp do alternate xmases.One year he has thm another year she does.Its not always possible to see both in one day.

TortUREoiseChamber · 01/10/2006 21:13

friend*

TortUREoiseChamber · 01/10/2006 21:15

I think one of you will have to do boxing day.
How long ago did you seperate? Has your ds been away overnight before? I think you should do xmas day and xp do boxing day.Your ds is too young to know the difference.

alexsCURSEDMUMMY · 01/10/2006 21:15

be big and invite xp and his family to you for christmas day. everybody has to be civil for the childs sake and everybody gets to see him.

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 01/10/2006 21:17

Well in that case if your dp wants to spend his last Christmas with his mum and his ds(even if he doesn't deserve it) the really, really big thing to do would be to let him. Slob out on Christmas day by yourself and go to your parents on Boxing day.

WideWebWitch · 01/10/2006 21:17

Hello, you don't sound like a horrible person at all, your ex does though. As does his mother, cancer or not. Yes, your ds should spend christmas with you imo, not them. You are the stable adult in his life, your nasty ex is vile and hasn't pulled his weight and so you have, quite understandbly, ended the relationship. You are being mature and sensible and thniking about what's best for your son while your ex, who caused you to leave is being abusive and horrible.

My advice is that you should negotiate access arrangements for your ex and your son but it should be a proper arrangement, i.e. regular visits and so on, not haphazard when-he-feels-like-it stuff. Keep being calm, polite, document anything he doesn't do (turn up for visits for example), just in case you need it at a future date. Get a solicitor if you need one. Your ds could go to see ex mil on boxing day, it doesn't matter that it's not Christmas day imo. Neither she nor your ex have earned any favours so imo this arrangement would be quite kind enough.

Original poster
Manderley · 01/10/2006 21:19

We finally separated last night. Neither of us know where we will be living by Christmas. We are in rented accommodation which we are both leaving, and are in the process of selling the flat we own together. What a nightmare. I have BEGGED him to try to be pleasant for the sake of ds but he is full of hatred and contempt for me, saying I've ruined his life etc.
Oh Lord.

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 01/10/2006 21:20

And I disagree with everyone (just skimmed the thread) who says YOU have to do what THEY want. They've been vile to you! And no, it is not in your boy's interests to spend 4 hours in a car on Christmas day. It's one day, no big deal imo, they can see him before/after but I don't see why you should alter your arrangements to suit these horrible people.

WideWebWitch · 01/10/2006 21:21

Are you married?
Get a solicitor.

alexsCURSEDMUMMY · 01/10/2006 21:23

if you have only just seperated then he is still raw and bitter. give him some time to get used to the new status quo and then re-evaluate.if things have calmed down then spend christmas together.

TortUREoiseChamber · 01/10/2006 21:23

Get solicitor and get contact agreed properly.

WideWebWitch · 01/10/2006 21:24

I agree. I have an extremely amicable relationship with my ex dh but when we'd just broken up it was hard going for a while because he was very hurt (he's a lovely man, just wasn't right for me)

TortUREoiseChamber · 01/10/2006 21:24

I would never spend xmas with either of my xps.

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 01/10/2006 21:25

In theory I agree with WWW but the caveat being the horrible old MIL's terminal cancer. He or she doesn't deserve your sympathy or flexibility but it would be the bigger thing to do. it's only my opinion and I'm only a stranger on the internet and this is all very fresh in your head if you just split up last night. You have my greatest sympathy, it must be horrible for you.

Original poster
Manderley · 01/10/2006 21:26

Not married.
We co-own a flat.
I work two days a week and he works full-time. He is saying he wants joint custody although has no time to look after ds. He says he'll get a nanny or put him in nursery. What a terrible mess.
Thank you all for posting, it's always very cheeing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Manderley · 01/10/2006 21:27

I mean 'cheering'.

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 01/10/2006 21:28

If he is saying he wants joint custody you need a solicitor. Now, tomorrow.

I suppose it would be the bigger thing to do, to let ds go, but I'm crap at doing the bigger thing in the case of people who call me a fking cnt.