DP and I have split up - what happens at Xmas?

[Manderley]

I'd be grateful for any advice.
I've split up with dp - we have a 2.5yr old son.
We had a short and immensely rocky relationship (I got pg after 8 weeks) and it took a lot of courage for me to end it. It was a disaster and he didn't really support me when ds was born, although he thinks he has been wonderful. He likes the idea of having a family but resented his life changing and having to look after ds at weekends etc. We have argued constantly, didn't have sex for two years etc etc.

He has been verbally abusive to me from the moment he realised I wanted out. I am exhausted and trying to keep it together for the sake of ds.
I am a 'mad bitch' and a c*t and a 'f**ing frigid bitch'.
I wish he would go away but I want a decent, working relationship with him for ds' sake.
My question is - to anyone who has been there - what the hell happens at Xmas?
His mother - who has also been pretty dreadful to me - has terminal cancer. She would love to have her grandson around at Xmas and it has always been a massive issue.
Is it OK for ds to go after Xmas even if his maternal grandmother is dying? Surely a little boy should spend Xmas with his mother?
Mentally exhausted by the lot of them. Sorry if sound like horrible person.

Does he have Parental Responsibility? He doesn't UNLESS your ds was born after 1 Dec 03 and he attended the registration of the birth and signed the document to say he wanted PR at that time. Or unless you have been to court to agree it. Basically it's good news if he doesn't and you're not married wrt the likelihood of his getting joint custody agreed.

You def need to get a solictor. I also think you need to refocus. This isn't about him, you, or your MIL. This is about your little boy, and he has a right to both parents. I've been there and there is no point on dwelling on how horrible he is or has been. Your son has a right to see both parents and you have to think about how best that can be done. Since you are both 4 hours away and he is unnable to even meet you halfway, I think you will probably have to say no to Xmas, and let him go for boxing day instead. It isn't fair on your son to spend four hours in a car on Xmas day, and he can't expect you to spend 8 hours driving, that is unreasonable. If you can make some sort of arrangements for boxing day that will be fairer, but I still don't think you should have the responsibility of all the driving. He needs to find somebody who can meet you half way.

If he is talkign about placing your son with childcare, I really think it would be unlikely that he would get joint custody. The courts will want what is best for him, which will be at home with you with regular contact with his dad, not being moved back and forth. Joint custody I think is only rarely awarded in exceptional circumstances.

How old is your son? What does he want?

He did attend the registration of the birth but I don't recall a document about PR.
I don't want him to have joint custody because he will just dump the kid with his mum or anyone he can pay to look after him. I think he wants JC for status reasons and so he doesn't think I've 'won.' He doesn't really care about ds. It's extraordinary how quickly things have turned unpleasant, even though we've been talking about splitting up for at least 6 months and he always said he would put ds' interests first.
Anyway - I've digressed from Xmas - but thanks WWW - I do need a solicitor.

KK - fortunately ds is only 2.5 and doesn't know what is going on.

If his mum is dying he can't expect her to look after him!

TC - MIL's new husband (her 4th) is quite good with ds, so that's good enough for dp!!! As long as someone else has the responsibility.

Message withdrawn

You're probably right Rickman.
If he actually got joint custody he would have the shock of his life, he'd be begging me to babysit by week 2.
Why did I have a baby with this man? aaaaggghhhh

Message withdrawn

very much agree with rickman. When I left exh he insisted he was going to court to get joint custody. He soon calmed down and was often unnable even to manage his contact arrangements and once I moved he didn't ever bother again. He feels hurt and is looking for a way to get at you. I used a sol to sort out contact arrangements and thought it took a few letters going back and forth it saved a lot of stress and arguements.

do you have parents?
spend christmas eve and christmas morning with your child at your or your parents
than let your child go to dads christmas night and boxing day moring (sleep over)
at least you have both seen him (you get the best bit i love christmas eve)
on christmas night eirther stay at your parents or go to a friends dont be on your own

I have only just joined here and reading your posts I really feel for you. It's tough enough breaking up with someone without the added emotional stress of this kind of issue. If it is impossible to share Christmas Day then although it's hard, I do think you should look at it from your ds's point of view. You will only ever be thanked (maybe not in words but in the love you get) for ensuring that your ds maintains a relationship with his father. Come up with a rational proposal that gives part of Christmas to your xp (and his mother or whoever else he wants to have involved) and make sure that the part your ds has with you is absolutely as special as it can be. If you don't get Christmas Day itself you can have mini-Christmas on Christmas Eve, you exchange presents and have some family for a meal and so on, and focus on the fact that you will have ds for the peaceful period that follows Christmas.

The alternative to Ch. Eve / Ch Day for one and Boxing Day / next day for the other is to alternate Christmas every year. It's tough the years you don't have your littlun but it's less stressful and very easy for the child (I know!).

Good luck.