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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need advice please. STBX hid daughter's passports

51 replies

GoMe · 20/10/2014 17:03

To cut a long story short, I am separating from my STBXH with much reluctance from him. He has been really unhappy and unreasonable since he realised I am not joking and I moved to my DD's bedroom and closed the joint bank account.

He is moving out of our rented flat at the end of the month and he has packed a lot of stuff that belonged to us as a family, to include plates and bowls, cutlery, pots and pans, kitchen knives, pictures from the wall and other things that I find missing every day (even the salt from the kitchen as apparently all the 4 salt dispensers were 'his')

This morning I found out he took my daughter's passports too. I opened the drawer were I keep important documents and my passports are there and daughter's aren't. I called the non emergency police number and they advised me to go to CAB. I don't have time to go to CAB and I don't want to initiate divorce and custody procedures right NOW.
I have had a look in the bedroom which is extremely messy and I don;t want to go through the stuff he packed already for obvious reasons.

Then I remember that he has a safe with a lock combination, where we used to keep all the passports when on good terms and he was keeping his there. He changed the code and I don't want to break it but I could force a slit at the lid and I saw 2 passports there on the top of a lot of stuff. Well, he has only 1 passport that is probably at the bottom so those two might be my daughters.

Now I have 3 options, which one should I go for?

1- Just let him have it until I need it and not make a big deal out of it.

2- Ask for the passports back which I am sure will create even more friction and will take me nowhere.

3- Hide his safe box and return back only once he tells me the combination and I am able to get the passports.

I know I can probably get another British passport for my daughter easily, the problem is I can not get another passport from my home country without his permission and I can not enter my country with my daughter using another passport. I have no intention to go back and live in my country and he knows that and will go on holidays there probably in two years time so there is no reason for him to do it.

BTW, we don't have money for lawyers, court disputes etc, and no assets at all.

And I know I was very naive indeed leaving the passports where they were supposed to be.

OP posts:

VivaLeBeaver · 20/10/2014 17:07

Is there any chance he may try to take your dd out the country?

Katrose · 20/10/2014 17:08

Just report the passports as lost OP? There's also a way to put a 'stop' on passports too...

VivaLeBeaver · 20/10/2014 17:12

I would crack the box open with a crow bar.

Original poster

GoMe · 20/10/2014 17:14

I can not get another passport from my home country without his permission. The one she has now still have 5 years left in it.

Also, I don't want to spend money renewing her 2 passports as we did it last year.

OP posts:

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 20/10/2014 17:15

Is he concerned that you may try and take your DD back to your home country? Is that his home country too?

Original poster

GoMe · 20/10/2014 17:22

No his hime country is in the UK.
He knows I will not take her there a part from holidays, and he knows I don't have money for holidays right now and won't have money anytime soon.
I have been fighting for years to stay in the UK and I finally can do this now with no restorations.

It is passive aggressive behaviour to emotionally abuse me, that is all.

OP posts:

sykadelic · 20/10/2014 18:02

Here's a question, why do you need them and why can't he have them? If they're his kids as well then him keeping the passports isn't that big of a deal (aside from being sneaky).

If you show him you don't care about the passports then he doesn't win. So I'd probably speak to him and tell him you're going to send him an e-mail with a list of who has what so when it comes time to divorce you (each) don't forget. I'd list him having the passports in that list.

The less you show you care the less joy he gets from it.

vettles · 20/10/2014 18:14

If you have no need of the passports, why do you want them? He is just doing what most of MN would have advised a woman in his position.

mynewpassion · 20/10/2014 19:28

He's afraid of you kidnapping DD. And he's entitled to take cutlery and dishes.

Bogeyface · 20/10/2014 19:48

I'm afraid that if he was from another country then the standard advice would be for you to keep hold of the passports to prevent them being taken.

As much as you say "he knows I wouldnt take them" I am sure he has seen enough in the press to know that what he "knows" may not actually be the case. How many women have trusted their ex husbands only to spend years getting their kids back? In many cases they have never seen their children again. I wouldnt risk it if I was him.

If you are not going on holiday any time soon then in all honesty I dont see why you need them.

Bogeyface · 20/10/2014 19:50

And I agree, he is just as entitled to items from the house as you are.

I get that you want to split up but it seems that you stayed with him for as long as it took to get UK residency and are now chucking him out expecting him to leave everything in the home for you. Not saying thats how it is but if I was him I would be wondering......

smashboxmashbox · 20/10/2014 19:54

He's entitled to the stuff and he's entitled to the passports I think. If I were separating from someone who had a home country elsewhere (out of the EU?) I'd want to know the passports were safe too. In case they took my kids away.

Can't you lodge the passports in safe keeping with a solicitor? And then neither of you will have them?

jacks365 · 20/10/2014 20:01

He has as much right as you do to keep hold of your daughter's passports. You also do not have the right to take your daughter out of the country for a holiday without his consent unless court issues you a residence order or apply to the court for permission. You need legal advice with regards to what your rights are because I suspect you think you have more than you do.

smashboxmashbox · 20/10/2014 20:04

JAcks365 that's a good point - my ex and I have to write letters for each other to take the DCs on holiday. I have never been asked for them, but because we don't have a court order in place for residency but work it out between us, neither of us can take the DC (well, only DD now as DSs are over 18) out of the country without the other's permission.

Nomama · 20/10/2014 20:06

It does seem he has only done what many women here get told - keep the passports from the parent who has family in another country.

That advice is as good for the goose and the gander.

And, as others have said, if you weren't planning on taking them out of the UK, then it doesn't matter who has the passports.

mynewpassion · 20/10/2014 20:06

Did you split the money when you closed the joint account

Original poster

GoMe · 20/10/2014 20:06

Ok then, I wanted to keep the passports because he is an abusive, alcoholic drunk who loses everything.
Unfortunately I'm not entitled to women's aid because I call the police always before he gets physical.
Even the solicitor told me to let him do the worse, get him arrested and get occupation order, restraining order etc but I will never do it.
Yes he is entitled to SOME of the stuff or he could give me a little notice so I wouldn't stand in an empty kitchen not having any utensils to cook with. He did it back in September when he had no moving out date yet.

OP posts:

smashboxmashbox · 20/10/2014 20:08

How many utensils do you actually need though? Argos, cheapy set to do, it wouldn't be worth the argument surely?

And he's hardly going to lose the passports if he's put them in a locked safe, is he?

Original poster

GoMe · 20/10/2014 20:08

No I didn't split the money before closing the joint bank account because he withdrawn it for himself.

OP posts:

smashboxmashbox · 20/10/2014 20:09

And you absolutely can go to Women's Aid for emotional abuse, I did when I was separating from my ex, and they were very helpful.

You may not get Legal Aid, but most solicitors do a free half hour - you could use that?

Original poster

GoMe · 20/10/2014 20:10

I bought the utensils yes, and kitchen salt too.

OP posts:

smashboxmashbox · 20/10/2014 20:13

A tub of salt is pennies. 750g in Tesco is 29p

A cheap pan set is around £10-£15 and a fish slice and some wooden spoons not much more.

Original poster

GoMe · 20/10/2014 20:15

Yes I got free one hour with a solicitor who told me to get him arrested by letting him hurt me and told me to do a DIY divorce after 2 years because I shouldn't state the grotty details if I go for unreasonable behavior.
What else can women's aid do?

OP posts:

smashboxmashbox · 20/10/2014 20:16

That solicitor gave you crap advice. You should complain to the Law Society. I'm shocked at that to be honest.

Original poster

GoMe · 20/10/2014 20:17

The price of the utensils and salt is beside the point. I never fought with him for it.

OP posts:

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