Need advice please. STBX hid daughter's passports

[GoMe]

To cut a long story short, I am separating from my STBXH with much reluctance from him. He has been really unhappy and unreasonable since he realised I am not joking and I moved to my DD's bedroom and closed the joint bank account.

He is moving out of our rented flat at the end of the month and he has packed a lot of stuff that belonged to us as a family, to include plates and bowls, cutlery, pots and pans, kitchen knives, pictures from the wall and other things that I find missing every day (even the salt from the kitchen as apparently all the 4 salt dispensers were 'his')

This morning I found out he took my daughter's passports too. I opened the drawer were I keep important documents and my passports are there and daughter's aren't. I called the non emergency police number and they advised me to go to CAB. I don't have time to go to CAB and I don't want to initiate divorce and custody procedures right NOW.
I have had a look in the bedroom which is extremely messy and I don;t want to go through the stuff he packed already for obvious reasons.

Then I remember that he has a safe with a lock combination, where we used to keep all the passports when on good terms and he was keeping his there. He changed the code and I don't want to break it but I could force a slit at the lid and I saw 2 passports there on the top of a lot of stuff. Well, he has only 1 passport that is probably at the bottom so those two might be my daughters.

Now I have 3 options, which one should I go for?

1- Just let him have it until I need it and not make a big deal out of it.

2- Ask for the passports back which I am sure will create even more friction and will take me nowhere.

3- Hide his safe box and return back only once he tells me the combination and I am able to get the passports.

I know I can probably get another British passport for my daughter easily, the problem is I can not get another passport from my home country without his permission and I can not enter my country with my daughter using another passport. I have no intention to go back and live in my country and he knows that and will go on holidays there probably in two years time so there is no reason for him to do it.

BTW, we don't have money for lawyers, court disputes etc, and no assets at all.

And I know I was very naive indeed leaving the passports where they were supposed to be.

Phone women's aid.
Get some more legal advice from another solicitor. You need to get some legal things sorted.

I am quite surprised at how a woman gets less sympathy than usual just because she is a foreigner and her husband is from UK.

This is an oddly unsupportive thread

Get a free hour with a better solicitor. I don't know if it's different in different parts of the UK but certainly in Scotland you cannot do a DIY divorce when children are involved.

Personally I can see why he took the passports. In his position I would have done the same so you couldn't leave the country. Although given your situation I understand why you want them back also. You don't have to physically go to a CAB office why not just give them a ring? Also contact WA, your solicitor gave you really bad advice and you can seek support through WA.

Ok, but couldn't he ask me if it was ok for him to keep DD's passport? He didn't need to take it and hide it. We are supposed to do it amicably even though his passive aggressive behaviour is worse than ever. If I have no intention of travelling or moving back, of course I would give him the passport, he just needed to communicate like any mature adult. Now that he sneakily hid it, I should be concerned about his intentions.

CAB? They never pick up the phone. I know there is a charity of women solicitors for women who need advice, I will try and find them and give them a call.

Some men just need to be controlling. It could be he feels his life is out of control so he's trying to take back what control he can (thats the charitable explanation). Or he could just be an arse.

Nasty things happen in divorces/separations. If you read several relationship threads you will see lots of other examples of mad/petty behaviour.

Actually if he thought you were going to run off with the children, he should just inform the authorities. But he's probably getting some rubbish advice - maybe even just from "mates".

To be honest even people who have the best intentions of keeping things amicable can crash and burn at the first hurdle. I always advise anyone to get some decent legal advice because regardless of how things start out it isn't necessarily going to continue that way.

You are dealing with an alcoholic who is abusive yes? He's unlikely to be able to keep this friendly. I don't mean that to sound harsh, just speaking from experience with a very similar ex.

Could you ask him why he felt the need to do this? Calmly. Like someone else said, you don't make too big a deal of it right now.

Oh he is the one who goes on and on and on about keeping it friendly but is the one doing the most hideous things to get me to react badly. Luckily I know better.

Yep. I am pretty sure he is getting advice from mates at the pub. I told him I have seen a solicitor. Suggested him to do the same and he didn't bother even though he had 3 whole weeks off work.
I research a lot online. I have the support of my GP, Social workers and daughter are going to an appointment with a psychologist next week.

The best he can do is undermine my parenting, sabotage me, goad me, tell daughter I don't love her, break my stuff, hide my stuff (a lot of my things are going missing every day).
The things he packed are all blocking my wardrobe so I don't have access to my clothes. I use the same clothes (2 pair of trousers and 3 tops) every day washing it all the time and I have 2 jobs.

Oh well but I have my British citizenship now, that is all that matters

I have no idea why people are telling that salt is 29p.
What an absolute shit he is being. Sustained abuse, 29p or not.
I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Yes, it would usually be advised for the UK parent to get hold of the passports. But it sounds like he is only doing this to be an arsehole. For that alone, I'd break into the box. Or just hide it. Is there a local locksmith who can break into it for you? Lie, don't mention any family issue just "oh silly us we forgot the combination!" Break in, take them, say nothing. He does sound dangerous so think twice about doing that.

I'd definitely get better legal advice.

Oh yes, I was there in the kitchen cooking for our daughter with my brand new set of pots, pans and knives, have my new plated ready for the food to go in, but oh no, the STBX have all the right to hide all the salt from the house because the salt is inside HIS salt shaker and HIS salt dispenser.
(not HIS, belongs to the home, the family and is mine too, we are married we share the home still)
But nevermind. Salt is just 29p. IABU after all.

Whether he's an abusive, controlling arse or not, taking the passport is one way of insuring the OP doesn't take their DD out of the country until custody and child visitations are finalized.

He's leaving in 11 days. Don't buy anything new until then. Let him take what he wants. You win by him getting out of your daily life.

He is already taking what he wants. Yes, even the old battered mop. And he is going to a established shared house which already has everything and a cleaner so he won't need to mop anyway.

The only thing I don't let him take is the paintings that my uncle made in 1989 and gave to me. My uncle is disable now so his art work means a lot to me. I really hope STBX doesn't steal it.

If you are worried about the paintings then is there a friend or somewhere outside the house you could store them for the time being.

Thought about that, I could ask my neighbour, but this will cause friction and set him off.
He will tell me I am implying his is a fucking (his words, always initiating with an F) thieve??? Believe me, I am doomed everything I do, say, don't do or don't say.
Also the paintings are in my daughter's bedroom who is 7 and is absorbing and asking many questions.

Do you have anywhere you could stay for a few days prior to him leaving? This sounds like an incredibly unhealthy way to live and you may benefit from having a break from it all.

I am not meaning to be unsympathetic all I'm saying (or probably rather clumsily saying) is pick your battles. And a battle over salt is not worth it.

If he's put his stuff where you can't get to your wardrobe - move it out of the way.

DO go back to another solicitor and get better advice. Stay off the internet and be guided by what they tell you. Go to more than one - get your free hour/half hour but be guided by what they tell you.

On the passports, I advised up thread to ask him to lodge them with a solicitor. You said why couldn't he ask you for them - he doesn't have to - the kids are his too, he's as entitled to them as you. And people who have children with a foreign national, when there is a divorce, are often advised to keep the passports so the foreign parent can't take them out of the country, I don't see that as terribly wrong. And why couldn't he ask you? Why can't you ask him for them?

But if I were you I'd grit my teeth and get through the next however many days until he moves out.

Morning GoMe,

Right I would take the safety deposit box and store with a friend. If your husband was on here asking I would say for him to store the passports with his friend so you can't leave the uk- but he isn't asking. I would take sentimental things like the paintings and store with a friend. Apparently if you can prove, using bank statements/receipts, that you paid for belongings he has broken, you can report him for criminal damage - I was told by a police office 10'years ago it was easier to prosecute my ex for damaging my ancient video recorder (!) then being violent towards me I am hoping things are different now!

Remove photos, paintings, valuables. In fact take as much as poss that is important to you. If he says you think he is a thief, just say nothing.

I would, if possible, have a friend stay at my house for the next 11 days if at all possible. Gives you a witness.

Your situation sounds dreadful, really unbearable. A man who is so petty he takes the salt because the salt shaker is his. Thank your lucky stars when he moves out.

I have no real advice just wanted to extend my sympathies.

But there wasn't any battle or fight regarding the salt or any other thing he has taken.
Even the art work, he asked me I said no, he got angry and said unpleasant things and I kept quiet.
I don't engage unless it is strictly necessary. Yes I asked him to remove his stuff from in front of my wardrobe he called me horrible things.
I don't dare touch anything that is his or he has packed because it causes friction. I am walking on egg shells and trying to be invisible all the time.

He is very unpredictable at the moment, specially when drunk. I have called 999 three times and they can't do nothing because there isn't actual body harm, I call too soon. Maybe next time he won't argue first and will punch or stab me straight away so I can get him arrested like the solicitor advised me to do.

I called women's aid (I made a mistake in a prior post saying I am not entitled to women's aid, I meant legal aid) and they said the shelters are too full to accommodate my daughter and I and my case is not that bad. I tried to get legal aid, again my case is not that bad.

No, I don't have no where to go, no on who can stay here.
The council won't help me, again my case is not that bad.
If I leave they can give me HB but not council housing. I don't have money for deposit and 1st rent in advance so I can't leave. I can't get a loan. I can't get a crisis loan as I am not on certain benefits.

Yes, after much hassle he agreed to move out and apparently is going at the end of October. I can't wait. The only reason he decided to go is because he wants to save money not because it will be actually better for everyone. He doesn't care about it.

He said he won't give me manaitanance either. I will have to fight for it too.

Once he has left contact the CSa immediately. Does he communicate with you via email or text? If so keep them. I would try and communicate via text and email.

I would suggest you hide anything of sentimental value. If the paintinge mean so much hide them/store them. If he asks say you sold them to survive.
I would take what I/my child NEEDED not what I wanted.
A drunk abusive arsehole is a drunk abusive arsehole whether married to a UK citizen or a foreign national. Good luck OP.

Originally Posted by scottishflower2000 View Post
Why is this on Mumsnet?

Oh, is there some rule I didn't see when I signed up that you can't post in more than one place to gain advice then?

Is there? Should it be on moneysaving expert also?

Why are you quoting someone from another site who isn't the op?
It's more to the point, why are you trying to shit stir because op posted in more than one place?

Art work? Take it down and stash it with someone.

WHEN he bring it up, just say 'I didn't want them to get damaged while you were moving out. Is that a problem?'

Him - 'Are you calling me a fucking thief?'

You - 'Why would I do that?'

Just turn it back on him, every time. Keep giving him non answers, and respond with a question. It's the only way you're going to stay sane until he moves out.