Kids meeting OM

[S1syphus]

Hi

I'm slightly wary about posting this question as I know that many MNers have been on the other side of this. I don't want to upset anybody; I'm genuinely looking for advice and perspective.

DH and I separated at the beginning of the year. He moved out of the family home in March. I won't go into all the details but there was an OM involved and DH is aware of this. I've been completely honest with him about everything.

OM is a former work colleague. I've known him for 6 years and since the end of my marriage we have been in a relationship. We've met each other's friends and I have recently met his parents. We both see a future in the relationship.

I have two children with DH, aged 9 and nearly 4. Both DC's have met OM in the past (before our relationship), but only briefly. They have also heard me talk about him as a close work colleague and friend. OM and I feel that we are at a stage where we would like my DC's to get to know him. I think my older DC knows that I'm spending a lot of time with OM and he would not be surprised if I revealed I was in a relationship with him. DS and I have spoken hypothetically about me or my ex getting into a new relationship and the idea doesn't seem to bother him. Both DC's have adapted well to the split, and ex-DH and I are cooperating in terms of childcare, etc.

I would like to invite OM on an afternoon out with the kids next week. I don't plan to introduce him as my boyfriend, just as a friend. We're planning to do an activity that requires an adult to be present for each child, so I'm putting it to the kids that OM is there to help look after them.

I have two questions:

1 - do you think the above would be the right approach or should I be upfront that he is my boyfriend?
2 - I know I don't have to have my ex's permission but I think it would be courteous at the very least to let him know of my plans. I have no idea how he will react, and I'm very mindful of the fact that the idea of another man spending time with his kids is probably as hurtful (if not more) as us splitting up in the first place.

I genuinely believe that the children will have no issue whatsoever with spending time with OM. I'm more concerned about the effect on ex-DH.

Do you think it's too soon? If so, how long should we wait?

Any advice welcomed, thanks.

I think you need to talk to your ex first. There was nobody involved in my split and I dumped him but if my ex introduced dd to his new girlfriend without prior agreement from me, I'd cut him out. Your ex won't be able to do that because he's a man but he will be perfectly entitled to a negative reaction especially considering that your going to bring the fucker who you cheated with into his kids life. How disrespectful. That's just wrong and so hurtful to your ex. Give him the chance to move on to a new woman first, at least by then he may not care so much.

How disrespectful

Not sure that's warranted tbh.

Your plans sound fine. I think, as you say, letting the exH know would be a courtesy. He's certainly entitled to that. But nothing more. Difficult to know the whole context of this split. Your plans sound great. Hope it goes well.

You absolutely need to discuss this with your ex-he is the DC's father after all.

Be prepared for a not so great reaction though, it is rather shit for him after all.

I think you should be up front with the DC's that he's your boyfriend. It sounds like the 9 year old wouldn't be surprised anyway. I think it's always a bit odd to say this is Mummy (or Daddy's) 'friend' when they are more than that and kids aren't daft.

What are you expecting to gain by introducing him as a friend?

Their dad may well tell them anyway - better to be honest about the nature of your relationship now.

I think the plans sound fine. The past is the past. Pay courtesy to the x by informing him. That's it. But do tell them he's ur boyfriend.

I'm not sure why u should wait till he's moved on! That's tripe

Am I missing something? Why are you still referring to him as 'OM' ? Kind of sounds a bit inflammatory to me.
You refer to separating in March, and you refer to your ex husband as 'ExDH'.

Sorry Spaniel! I guess my ex still sees my boyfriend as the OM and that's how he would view it - the kids meeting the other man, not just the kids meeting my boyfriend. Ex-DH - well, he was my DH and he's now my ex. Sorry if I'm getting the abbreviations wrong. I still care a lot about my ex, and I'm keen to try and handle this in the least hurtful way possible. That's the reason I posted.

Pink badger - my ex hasn't told people about my affair. I have no problem with his family hearing about it (in fact, I would prefer it to be out in the open), but ex doesn't want people to know. I thought that by introducing my boyfriend as a friend, it might give my ex a chance to let his family know that I'm seeing someone, rather than the kids announcing to grandma that they've met mummy's boyfriend.

I think you are doing the right thing.

Interestingly I posted a q on MN a few months ago. I changed some facts so as not to out myself, and many thought I was the OW...my question was whether my friend could do anything to stop his ex W from taking the kids away with the bf. I was pilloried - completely outrageous to stop doting mummy from doing what she wanted.

My friends concern about the situation was related to the fact that the W had been having an affair, had lied about it being over, then wanted a divorce, they put house on market, and during this time, she introduced kids 10,9,7 to bf without telling him. This would be some 2-3 months after the children were told M and D were splitting, but while they still lived in the family house, albeit separately. They went away for a weekend too. There is more to the saga, but not relevant here.

I say all this to demonstrate that the OP is in a different place to my friends (very selfish) ex. You seem to be considering the children and also your ex.

Good luck.

You seem very sure of how the children will react and it all seems very quick to me.

Be grown up and thoughtful to your husband's feelings and remember your children really should come first. Don't lie to your kids. They aren't stupid. We need an extra adult will be seen right through if you have never been on a day out with this guy before and definitely will when they see him at the breakfast table. Treat your kids with respect too. Feeling let down and lied too by your mum is crap.

I'm on the other side of this and I'm currently reading the guide for separated parents, putting your children first. It suggests that you don't introduce a new partner for 2 years after family separation so the children have a chance to adjust to a new way of being and, having gone through this as a child also, I completely agree.

I know lots of people think it's too long but young children take time to adjust to the fact that your family unit is not the same without bringing other people into the mix. It will also be harder for your ex to accept that a man who played a part in breaking up your marriage now gets to spend time with his kids so tread carefully.

Way too soon to introduce another man into their lives given you turned them upside down just a few months ago.

Your ex deserves a say in the decision also as he is their father and has to deal with any fallout etc.

I think it's too soon for the dc to meet your boyfriend. Give them at least a year to settle from the split before changing the dynamics again.

Wow there are some interesting posts....they all make sense to me. However when I suggested my ex SIL (for that is who she was) was behaving unreasonably in introducing kids to bf so soon, I had my head bitten off!

Thanks for all the messages so far.

I'd just like to make it clear that there is no way that I would introduce the children to my boyfriend without first speaking to my ex about it. The whole point of my post is that I'm trying to deal with this as sensitively as possible for the kids and for my ex. And also to canvass opinion on whether I'm going about it the right way and if it's the right time.

From reading some of the responses perhaps it is too soon. I may leave it a little longer - perhaps after Christmas. I personally think 2 years is too long. I read a similar thread a while ago where someone made what I thought was a very valid point. What if you invest a lot of time with a potential partner and then when they meet the kids they just don't click?

I think the approach (in terms of how long to wait) may well depend on the children, how they've reacted to the split, etc. Someone commented above that I "seem very sure of how the children will react". Yes, I am very sure of how they would react. I know my kids. I've always been very open with them, and we talk a lot about our feelings. I genuinely think the children will be very accepting of it. I'm more conscious of how my ex will feel, and that he might feel under pressure to talk to his family about the situation (which he might not want to do). I know that I need to give him time to get over it.

Not that open given they don't know of the affair or its ongoing course

It sounds like you will do as you want anyway regardless of respect for the ex etc. If the tables were turned I'm pretty sure it would be a different story.

Daisy, are you suggesting I should tell them everything? I'm open in an age appropriate way. And when they're old enough to understand then I'll explain everything.

I don't know why you think I'm just going to do whatever I want when in my last post I said I will probably delay introductions for a few months.

Interesting post S1 as i was in the same position as your ex and am now just introducing my GF to my DC.

1. Tell them he's your boyfriend. I have done this and it gives them time to mentally digest this, (they haven't met her yet,) but they do know that i spend time and do stuff with her when they are with their mum. Kids are smart and will see through the friends line straight away. Why add to their confusion? (you are allowed a partner you know, and everyone including your kids has to get used to that fact.)

1. Tell your ex, (note TELL, you are not asking permission). He will not like it, (i didn't) but all things considered i did appreciate being told.

I do not agree with the posters who say its too early. (although i have waited nearly four years thats simply because i didn't meet anyone who i considered would be a long term partner. 7 months is plenty long enough imo.

Good luck you are handling this great.

(oh btw have you considered your bf just popping in for a coffee a couple of times to ease them into each others company rather than the big activity afternoon? Just thinking out loud about my own situation and have settled on this as a plan. We do have lots of people popping in and out though so it kinda fits in with our lifestyle.)

Hi,
I would suggest that you inform your ex, but don't ask for permission, as you don't need to do that, be factual, not emotional.

Avoid long,drawn out conversations about what is 'right', how he feels, what sort of timing it should be done in etc. Given that he knows that you are in this relationship, its not going to come as a surprise.

Be honest with your children, at 9, the oldest will be able to understand 'boyfriend' the younger one may need different words
Don't expect your children to automatically love him because you do (speaking as a mum whose son loathes his step mum)
Be prepared for them to relegate him to 'friend' status - hes not their dad and he shouldn't try to act like he is.
Take it slowly - don't have one trip out and then expect them to be overjoyed that hes suddenly around all the time, in my personal experience ds reacted the worst when he suddenly realised the OW wasn't going anywhere anytime soon!

Be prepared for your ex husband to make comments (both normal and snarky) to the children about the new man and your new relationship, time won't change how he reacts, keep your responses factual.

I'm a mum, I left my husband due to horrific abuse, one month later I discover via my ds that 'daddy had a friend' (turned out he'd been having an affair since ds was born) as soon as the divorce was finalised, she moved in, ds was taken to their wedding as page boy (he thought he was going to a big party) ds was told she was his new mummy and her daughters were his sisters. 10 years on, I've still never met her (she scowls at me occassionally from his car and blocks exh phone) ds hates her and life is far from sweet in that household - so please don't do any of that!

Put your children first, keep their dad in the 'factual loop' and hopefully enjoy your children and your relationship (in that order)

You need to be prepared for how astute your 9 year old maybe. My DD was 8 when ExH and split due to his affair. He introduced OW into DD's life on a similar timescale to you. I have never alluded in any way to DD that he had an affair, instead maintaining the mummy and daddy weren't making each other happy line. 4 months after meeting DD asked what was the real reason you split, I repeated Mummy and Daddy were not making each other happy. Her response was to scream at me, that's not the real reason you have to tell me the real reason. I still responded there were complex adult reasons why Mummy and Daddy were not making each other happy, which were none of her business.
When she was about 9 she told me that she knew Daddy and OW had been seeing each other before Daddy and I split up. Again I have not commented on this, I won't lie, but I won't confirm it either.
It spiralled in to a huge relationship breakdown between her and her Daddy which he did not handle well. I have never said a bad word against OW, but DD has made up her own mind.
I think it would have been better for him to wait at least 9 to 12 months before introducing OW.

getthefeck and inthename - thanks for your posts. It's helpful to hear of other people's experiences and I'll give some thought to my BF just popping in casually rather than making an afternoon of it.

Chaseface - you make an interesting point. Whilst I wouldn't say that I want to establish them all as a "new family unit", I don't want to keep my boyfriend and children separate from each other. My ex is a very involved parent (we share childcare 50/50) and I am not planning to introduce BF as a potential father figure at all. That being said, we have talked about the future and would like to live together eventually. We've discussed at length how that would work in terms of caring for the children, discipline, etc. But this is all a long way off.

Ours is different. this could get complicated.

x - my now DH
y - Now DH's then DP
me - OW
Him - OM to Y.

Following so far.

X&Y together, both had Others whilst in the relationship. They split when DSS was 4. Him left his DW to move in with y pretty much the same day.

I moved in with x a week later (all had new places). Maybe not the best but x and y co-parented well and I met DSS about three weeks after that.

DSS now 16, lifes really good and no ill effects for how quickly everything changed (In fact he's just cadged 30 off me for a concert later).

Both x and y did discuss how to introduce us both in a way that was appropriate so although we were GF/BF it was made very very clear that they were not ever going to be mummy or daddy, this seemed to be DSS's biggest worry to be fair.

Oh and we are all very good friends now and they are guardians to our 18month old DD so the siblings get to stay together. Phew!

Lonecat, thanks. My DS is smart and I know that he will probably work out for himself that my boyfriend was involved in the split. If he does ask then I'm not going to lie. If any issues result from that then I'll just have to deal with it. But none of us can predict what will happen.

Over the last few years a couple of my friends, one of my ex's friends, and two of DS's friends' parents have split up. Seems to be something in the water. DS asked lots of questions at the time and I think he understands (certainly more than I did at that age) that sometimes relationships just don't work out. I would like to think that even if he was initially angry and upset (which would be perfectly understandable), that we would be able to talk it through and work it out. But maybe I'm just naïve!!

My XH had an affair with someone he worked with. When he and I split up the DC were 7 and 5. I think they didn't meet his gf until maybe we had been split up for about 9 months or so. I did say I wanted to know before they first met her (and as they have a long distance relationship it had to be a time when she was staying with him). Our DC are now 9 and nearly 11 and I don't think either of them has worked out that their relationship started as an affair - I would be truthful if they asked me (don't know about XH) but I still don't feel it's important for them to know.
The children were fine about meeting her and she was always daddy's gf rather than "a friend".

I started a new relationship a year after XH and I split up and the DC met him 6 months after that. As he lives nearby it was easier to do the slowly slowly approach but again he has always been my boyfriend rather than a random friend.

I think waiting 2 years seems a long time and could put unnecessary pressure on the relationship. I think now sounds a good time for your DC to meet your boyfriend. Just be aware your XH isn't necessarily going to like it. But hopefully he can act in a grown up way.

What kind of relationship do you want with your children, particularly the eldest? Trust can't be built on deception, Its time to get out of the habit of lying and pretending. The OM is more than just a friend so don't pretend otherwise, remember your children have had a lot less time to get used to the end of your marriage than you have. If you're really in it for the long haul, then wait at least to the new year.

I would give your Ex a heads up now and let him know you plan to introduce the children to your man in the new year. This will give him time to explain it to his parents, so that when the time comes, your children aren't placed in any awkward predicaments.