Kids meeting OM

[S1syphus]

Hi

I'm slightly wary about posting this question as I know that many MNers have been on the other side of this. I don't want to upset anybody; I'm genuinely looking for advice and perspective.

DH and I separated at the beginning of the year. He moved out of the family home in March. I won't go into all the details but there was an OM involved and DH is aware of this. I've been completely honest with him about everything.

OM is a former work colleague. I've known him for 6 years and since the end of my marriage we have been in a relationship. We've met each other's friends and I have recently met his parents. We both see a future in the relationship.

I have two children with DH, aged 9 and nearly 4. Both DC's have met OM in the past (before our relationship), but only briefly. They have also heard me talk about him as a close work colleague and friend. OM and I feel that we are at a stage where we would like my DC's to get to know him. I think my older DC knows that I'm spending a lot of time with OM and he would not be surprised if I revealed I was in a relationship with him. DS and I have spoken hypothetically about me or my ex getting into a new relationship and the idea doesn't seem to bother him. Both DC's have adapted well to the split, and ex-DH and I are cooperating in terms of childcare, etc.

I would like to invite OM on an afternoon out with the kids next week. I don't plan to introduce him as my boyfriend, just as a friend. We're planning to do an activity that requires an adult to be present for each child, so I'm putting it to the kids that OM is there to help look after them.

I have two questions:

1 - do you think the above would be the right approach or should I be upfront that he is my boyfriend?
2 - I know I don't have to have my ex's permission but I think it would be courteous at the very least to let him know of my plans. I have no idea how he will react, and I'm very mindful of the fact that the idea of another man spending time with his kids is probably as hurtful (if not more) as us splitting up in the first place.

I genuinely believe that the children will have no issue whatsoever with spending time with OM. I'm more concerned about the effect on ex-DH.

Do you think it's too soon? If so, how long should we wait?

Any advice welcomed, thanks.

Why introduce them ? Why not see your boyfriend when the children are at their fathers ?

I do nt see how their life's are improved by knowing this man, and I m not sure why he's so keen to see them

We could continue as we are. I'm not in a position where I have the kids full time so I want to rush introductions in order to see more of my BF.

I'm happy to wait a while longer.

But we're happy, I think the kids would really like him, and my "cover story" about bringing another adult is actually true. I've often suggested taking DC's to a theme park, or even just swimming, and my eldest has commented that he can't always go on things he wants to go on because I have to look after DC2. I have no family of my own to help out and all my friends have younger DC's themselves. So having my boyfriend come along would actually be helpful.

But like I say, I'm not trying to rush things along. I'm really just trying to work out the best way to handle it and if the timing's right.

There seem to be very differing opinions about it!

I wonder if the advice you've been given would be any different if either people hadn't known this man had been the OM (or if he hadn't been of course). I think it's easy for other people to feel there is some necessity for people to be punished in some way for the relationship having started as an affair and possibly different advice would be given in a different situation.

And when it was my DC going to meet the woman who had been the OW I probably didn't feel great about it, but really the way in which their relationship started wasn't that important. And I hope I am grown up enough that my children are able to form their own relationship with her.

There is no right or wrong time. Personally I would speak to your ex about it. Explain that it's going to happen at some point and that you would like it to be now. See what he says. You don't need permission so don't look for it but it's better for kids if all parties stay amicable. My ex had an affair and we are still very good friends 16 years later. Adults need to behave like adults in situations like this. It's much easier for kids long term of they are able to do what they like without fear of upsetting one of their parents. I assume when ex meets someone else, as he will, you will accept his choice and behave accordingly too?

I personally think 2 years is too long. I read a similar thread a while ago where someone made what I thought was a very valid point. What if you invest a lot of time with a potential partner and then when they meet the kids they just don't click?

That's precisely why the guide referred to is called Putting Children First. The quote above indicates putting the adults first. It's all about who shoulders the risk in this situation. That should be the adults, I would say.

By the way, the advice is the same in the book, regardless of why the relationship ended. It's not necessarily that you have to have known a new partner for two years, it's giving the kids 2 years after their own family split up to come to terms with their new situation.

BlooMoon, I get what you're saying.

I think two years is fine as a guide (and would probably work just fine for people who don't meet a new partner until some time after the split), but as I mentioned upthread I think it depends very much on the children. Some children wouldn't need that long, others might need longer. Whilst I've come here for advice on the overall situation and how to handle my ex from people who have been through it themselves, I feel confident enough as a parent to know when is the right time for my kids.

However, having read many many threads on MN about approaches to parenting and handling situations like this, I know that there will be some (possibly many) people who will disagree with me. We are never all going to agree, as has been demonstrated by the differing views in the responses to my OP. But it is definitely useful to hear all the different points of view.

But I actually think that if someone was in a similar situation to me, and waited two years before introducing their partner to the kids, then there's a risk to the kids too. If they don't immediately click and you've invested so much time in the relationship, I think there's a greater chance that you will attempt to almost "force" the relationship between your partner and the kids to work as you won't want to lose on your investment so to speak. I'd like to think I wouldn't do that but I can see how it could happen for some people.

MirandaWest's post is very wise - we all respond shaped by feeling and experience and there is a lot of anger/guilt going around.

I was OW 3 years ago whilst I was in an emotional mess, and I truly regret the way I behaved and the way it allowed my now DH to behave. His 3 kids are adults - at least technically they are - and his XW has come to terms with the situation in the last year and been forgiving. However, he still only sees one of the 3 of them in our home, and with one of them he hardly has a real relationship.

Affairs are destructive because of their tentacles, if you like, into the future and all the relationships affected by them. Oh, and the child he was most sure of their reaction - that's the one he doesn't see. What's done is done, OP, for both of us, and when you're in love it's hard to remember that the world is mostly grey and painful. Just go carefully, assume nothing, and allow your kids their right to their own feelings.

Thanks for sharing littlemiss. Definitely food for thought. I'm sorry relations are fraught between your DH and his kids and I hope that can be resolved in the future.

I think a short meet would be better.

If there's awkwardness during an activity day it'll drag like a lifetime.

Agree with a pp just a pop round for coffee in the first instance.

I can see why you're keen to move things on but I also think it's a bit early. I think I'd wait a few months more.

My DS and I have a very strong relationship but since my separation I also found that he says things to make us both happy.

A year or two years is so long a time to introduce a partner especially if it's really serious and you love each other! You know your children better than anyone else and how they will react and cope! If you are serious and love each other , you are in each other's lives anyway so it's inevitable! I didn't have young dc so didn't matter but if they had been I would have introduced them at the two month mark as I was so sure about my partner! Timescales are dependent on many factors but as I said you know your own children best!

Considering this happened 3 years ago if the OP is still with him she has probably introduced him to her children already.

I'm a single mum. It's been just me and my dd8 for 6 years. I introduced her to my OH a year ago. We'd been together 6 months. We don't live together.

There is never a right or wrong time. As long as your kids are secure in their relationships with you and their dad and you are sure your current partner is long term then crack on. Be as honest as you can be in an age appropriate way. My dd felt a little insecure at first, because it's always just been us, but she enjoys having my OH around sometimes.

Make sure you maintain quality time with them on your own is my advice . X

Zombie thread.

What's with all the old threads!!!! I was in docs and not concentrating!!

So my wife has just revealed that OM is coming to our town on Thursday, and she is going for a day out with him with my DC. I only found out about affair last week, and we decided to separate last sunday.

She has been seeing this guy since late March. I'm like no way it is way too soon, she said she is doing it whether I like it or not. Am I being unreasonable? I Feel like my feelings and emotions are being trampled all over here. ffs She said she wants to see what he is like around the kids to have an idea if it really would work in the future. I am just not happy AT all. AIBU?

Just realised this is a Zombie thread will repost.