Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH worried I don't love him any more, even suspects I might be having affair...

53 replies

FickleByNurture · 20/10/2014 08:39

Given the current climate bringing out all the bridge-dwellers I won't name change for this.

Last night my dear gorgeous Mr Fickle told me he was worried about me. Apparently I've been tilting my phone screens away from him and I've been very difficult to read. He feels like while sometimes I definitely love him, other times it's like he doesn't even exist.

I told him that there was nothing to worry about, pointed out that it's his birthday coming up at the end of next month, tried to reassure him that I loved him more than anything but he's still quite sad.

I'm definitely not having any kind of affair (I literally have no friends of my own) but I also don't initiate sex very often at all. We've both been quite stressed out recently with a family bereavement, project managing building work and our own jobs, so we've been tired and often a little grumpy. I also have CFS and my fibromyalgia is playing up big time atm. It's getting to the point where I will wake up in the night crying with the pain.

I need to start showing him a bit more attention, even if it's not sexually at the moment. Somehow I need to convince him that he's the only person who matters in the world to me and I have no idea where to even start. So much of my life revolves around him.

OP posts:
Original poster
FickleByNurture · 20/10/2014 09:33

Very tempted to go home sick to be honest. It was half 3 before we stopped talking.

OP posts:
famalam · 20/10/2014 09:43

Does he know you wake up crying with pain?
He sounds very self centred OP.
Flowers

gatewalker · 20/10/2014 09:51

Fickle -- this sounds like your DH's concerns projected on to you. Not that he's having an affair, but that his fears about your leaving him are really his projected fears of his checking out of the relationship. Please bear that in mind when he next does this to you.

hellsbellsmelons · 20/10/2014 10:02

My initial thoughts are that 'He's projecting'
I hope you manage tor resolve it all.
Can you go to relate/counselling together?

Original poster
FickleByNurture · 20/10/2014 10:02

Me waking up tends to wake him up, so he'll sleepily stroke my back until I calm down again.

I don't really know what to think about your response gate

OP posts:
cailindana · 20/10/2014 10:03

Sounds like projection to me too. He sounds like a total baby - you're very ill and his response is "waaah I'm not getting enough attention!"

Why don't you have any friends of your own?

gatewalker · 20/10/2014 10:04

When someone says something to you, seemingly out of the blue and/or something that really doesn't fit with your inner experience, then it is nearly always projection. If people in relationship understood projection as a dynamic, then there would be a lot less confusion and self-doubt, imo.

sanfairyanne · 20/10/2014 10:09

two different thought here
either he is having or thinking about having an affair himself
or something is up eg he is becoming depressed

dh is like this when he is v anxious/stressed. but mn teaches me that it is also often 'projection'

can you work on getting some friends/social life of your own? you sound v dependant on your dh. it must be incredibly hard because of your poor health Sad

AnyFucker · 20/10/2014 10:12

Projection or self-serving control issues

Take your pick, OP.

I don't recommend tolerating either, however

Original poster
FickleByNurture · 20/10/2014 10:13

Most of my school/uni friends live abroad, my colleagues are either DH's friends or utterly antisocial and my fatigue isn't condusive to expending a lot of effort in socialising. There's the odd internet conversation with people but absolutely nobody I could go for a coffee with.

DH spent so long last night telling me how much he loved me and how terrified he was that I'd get bored with him and leave him.

OP posts:
Original poster
FickleByNurture · 20/10/2014 10:20

Tbf I don't think he has much of an opportunity to have an affair either. We work together and I always go with him when he goes out for drinks etc. He doesn't have a whole load of external hobbies either.

OP posts:
gatewalker · 20/10/2014 10:24

I'm not suggesting he's having an affair, Fickle. But turn your statement in your penultimate message around and see what you get:

"DH spent so long last night telling me how much he loved me and how terrified he was that he'd get bored and leave."

rb32 · 20/10/2014 10:24

Fickle, I doubt he's 'projecting' anything! He's probably just feeling a little insecure (we all do occasionally) and if you're hardly all over him maybe he's a bit worried. Maybe he's been on this forum and read all the posts about people 'checking out emotionally' and thinks you're doing the same. At least he's talking about it to you rather than bottling it all up.

This place can be aweful for advice at times. Bloke gets a little needy and it's "Projection or self-serving control issues".

gatewalker · 20/10/2014 10:29

rb32 - Projection doesn't have to be a big deal; it is ubiquitous. We do it frequently -- far more frequently than we are aware because, of course, it is unconscious.

I am standing fully by my observation.

scallopsrgreat · 20/10/2014 10:29

I'm seeing a couple of red flags here Fickle. He spent so long telling you how much he loves you? He's beginning to sound controlling. Getting you to run around thinking of him rather than looking after yourself and your needs with your illness and bereavement. He's turning it around to 'me, me, me'.

TinyDancingHoofer · 20/10/2014 10:30

Gosh, men can feel insecure too ladies. No projection thoughts here, I'd take it all at face value. It sounds as though both of you are really stressed right now and I think it's a good sign he feels he can speak openly with you. Any chance you can take a weekend away to spend some quality time together?

Original poster
FickleByNurture · 20/10/2014 10:35

I've got a few nice things planned for his birthday which is coming up soon. Not sure we can manage any time away for while though. I might try taking him out on a n impromptu date sometime this week when I feel a little less wiped out.

OP posts:
cailindana · 20/10/2014 10:37

Does he do anything for you Fickle?

Original poster
FickleByNurture · 20/10/2014 10:45

He looks after me when my CFS has rendered me an exhausted petulant child, he cooks, he takes me on dates, gives pretty good back rubs, buys me impromptu gifts... he's pretty lovely really.

OP posts:
cailindana · 20/10/2014 10:46

Does he do much around the house?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 20/10/2014 10:51

He kept you up til 3.30am telling you how much he loves you, when you have work and illness to contend with? That's really awful behaviour. Now you're wracking your brains to work out how you can show him more attention so he doesn't do it again...
No, not controlling at all Hmm

famalam · 20/10/2014 10:52

Fickle my initial impression was that he was selfish, after reading your subsequent posts it is clear that he is very caring. Perhaps too caring lately after all of the stress you've both been under - to the point where he is now feeling insecure, as other posters have mentioned.

Original poster
FickleByNurture · 20/10/2014 10:53

Depends what else he's doing. He's been v busy recently so I've been picking up the housework slack, but he often washes up, generally helps tidy up and he does all the hoovering because it's just beyond me.

OP posts:
RunnerHasbeen · 20/10/2014 11:19

I think he sounds like a lovely man who is finding life a little hard and just wants some reassurance. Caring for someone can have its own difficulties and it doesn't sound like there are many other people he can talk to. It doesn't sound like he's one of these awful competitive people who always have to compare their problems to others, it is okay for two people to both be struggling a bit.

RunnerHasbeen · 20/10/2014 11:23

I don't think you need to go all out and use your energy up treating him. I think snuggling in and putting down your phone when he is there would be enough. Some people find phones more of a social rejection than others, doesn't make either of you wrong. Hope you feel better soon, and take time off if you need it you aren't helping anyone by running yourself down.