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Original poster

DH worried I don't love him any more, even suspects I might be having affair...

53 replies

FickleByNurture · 20/10/2014 08:39

Given the current climate bringing out all the bridge-dwellers I won't name change for this.

Last night my dear gorgeous Mr Fickle told me he was worried about me. Apparently I've been tilting my phone screens away from him and I've been very difficult to read. He feels like while sometimes I definitely love him, other times it's like he doesn't even exist.

I told him that there was nothing to worry about, pointed out that it's his birthday coming up at the end of next month, tried to reassure him that I loved him more than anything but he's still quite sad.

I'm definitely not having any kind of affair (I literally have no friends of my own) but I also don't initiate sex very often at all. We've both been quite stressed out recently with a family bereavement, project managing building work and our own jobs, so we've been tired and often a little grumpy. I also have CFS and my fibromyalgia is playing up big time atm. It's getting to the point where I will wake up in the night crying with the pain.

I need to start showing him a bit more attention, even if it's not sexually at the moment. Somehow I need to convince him that he's the only person who matters in the world to me and I have no idea where to even start. So much of my life revolves around him.

OP posts:
Original poster
FickleByNurture · 20/10/2014 11:27

Thanks Runner Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
FickleByNurture · 20/10/2014 11:29

I think we're both quite bad with screens and it's probably not helping matters. I wonder if I could impose a technology ban for an hour a day... or ban internet browsing in the pub.

OP posts:
cailindana · 20/10/2014 11:37

If we're out together phones are banned (barring the odd text). There is no point in going out and ignoring each other.

Original poster
FickleByNurture · 20/10/2014 11:40

When we were younger we'd spend a lot of winter in pubs, sitting by open fires, reading. Now there are ebooks which has led to technology sneaking in to our pub visits.

OP posts:
RunnerHasbeen · 20/10/2014 11:50

Yes, leave them at home. I think you don't need a ban just to consciously notice how and how much you are using them. I think when I am run down and tired I am more likely to feel hurt by little things like someone looking at their phone instead of me.

I hope you are taking care of yourself and resting if you need to! I also hope you feel better soon and are getting help for the pain.

Momagain1 · 20/10/2014 11:56

*He kept you up til 3.30am telling you how much he loves you, when you have work and illness to contend with? That's really awful behaviour. Now you're wracking your brains to work out how you can show him more attention so he doesn't do it again...
No, not controlling at all *

Piffle, she wakes him up when she is in pain so why is it controlling when he has a need to talk? i would be far more concerned with a lack of communication than with inconveniently scheduled communication.

fickle, the first advice to come into my head, before I started reading all the gloom and doom comments, was "hugs". If sex is difficult to manage, just make sure there is touching. Sit beside him on the sofa. Make sure nobody leaves the house without goodbye hugs. hello hugs when someone returns are good too. If kisses and conversations or sex happen too, so much the better, but only worry about creating physical contact, the rest will develop.

Original poster
FickleByNurture · 20/10/2014 12:03

I always thought I was pretty affectionate. We hug, I reach out to stroke him if he walks past, if I walk past I'll give him a kiss on his shoulder or something. We always spoon a bit...

I think it was just all a bit out of the blue yesterday and I have little idea whether I'm not as affectionate as I think I am, or it's coming across as distracted and mechanical. FWIW we have some kind of intimate contact roughly once a week, which I didn't think was too bad. Gah! I think I have to be a bit more mindful.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 20/10/2014 12:05

Did you ask him why he feels like you don't love him? What triggered it?

Original poster
FickleByNurture · 20/10/2014 12:05

We have just decided to go to lunch together :)

OP posts:
Original poster
FickleByNurture · 20/10/2014 12:11

Last night I was being cuddly and quite cheerful. He said, jokingly I thought, "you're being v snuggly, do you want sex?" I replied cheerfully saying that no, I wasn't after sex, because that's not the only reason I cuddle and he just turned away and settled down. I wasn't sleepy so I read quietly on my phone. An hour later he reveals he hasn't actually been asleep and that he never knows how I'm feeling.

I'm loathe to post this as, just from that post it v much looks like he's sulking because I wasn't willing to have sex, blah blah selfish shallow male etc. It's not quite like that and I'm not sure how to put it across better.

OP posts:
arsenaltilidie · 20/10/2014 12:12

Maybe some of the are the ones projecting.
From the sounds of things he has been your rock but he is probably feeling a little insecure/neglected.

Nothing a hug and blowjob can't fix.

arsenaltilidie · 20/10/2014 12:14

X post.. I guess I was right afterall.

arsenaltilidie · 20/10/2014 12:16

They is an old saying that says "men have sex for validation and flirt for fun.
Whereas women have sex for fun, but flirt for validation."

Twinklestein · 20/10/2014 12:35

I don't think he looks like he's sulking OP, my impression is that he feels rejected.

He may be taking your tiredness personally. Do you feel like you've lost libido since you got ill?

Another time you could perhaps reassure him that you are really attracted to him, but right now you feel too tired for sex.

Twinklestein · 20/10/2014 12:36

I think that's bollocks Arsenal, sorry.

outofcontrol2014 · 20/10/2014 12:42

You are both having a really tough time. It's easy to feel emotionally distanced from each other when you have an illness like that that interferes in such a major way with your life and your intimacy together. It's also easy for one side to feel rejected, while the other feels put-upon because there is an expectation of sex.

The only way to navigate it is to talk.

But talking when you are stressed = bad idea.

If you have some cash and some support, I suggest putting absolutely everything on hold and grabbing a weekend away just the two of you. NOT for talking, but just for resting, relaxing and being spoiled. Go somewhere not too far or too difficult to get to, where you will be spoiled by having dinner cooked and beautiful countryside around you. Be gentle with yourselves - short, nice walks, hand holding, snuggling, a few glasses of wine, some laughter together. You may find the problem just evaporates.

If you don't have cash/support, simply a day together without children or other cares would work. Make your DH breakfast in bed, get up slowly, go for a wander locally in a relaxed kind of way - don't do any chores or think or talk about work or stuff you need to do.

Then you can think about chatting a bit when you come back - maybe with the support of a counsellor if necessary.

It does sound like you both really care about each other - if you can start communicating again, I'm sure you will get through this.

outofcontrol2014 · 20/10/2014 12:44

Also - there is nothing wrong with pleasuring your partner even if you don't fancy sex yourself, but are feeling healthy enough to be able to do it without pain! A little bit of give can work wonders ;)

Fermin · 20/10/2014 13:14

This happened to me a few weeks ago except I was your DH. Combination of pregnancy and reading-too-much-MN Relationships-board paranoia (most of the threads responsible for that have turned out to be fakes anyway). Our working days are long and with a toddler to contend with in the evenings, we have very little time to ourselves. We'd fallen into a pattern of sitting silently beside each other watching TV or glued to our phones then falling asleep on the sofa and dragging ourselves up to bed in the early hours. I then discovered some genuinely platonic work-related texts between him and a female colleague and became convinced he was having an emotional affair. Once it was in my head, I just felt very very insecure for a few days. Fluctuated between interrogating him and crying, waking him in the night etc. My behaviour was completely out of the blue for him. It was not me projecting that I wanted to have an affair or check out of the relationship. I was irrationally scared that he was falling out of love with me and wanted to leave me. I was fine after some long chats and calming reassurance and he even secretly arranged with my mum to look after our DS so he could take me out one Sunday to have a day on our own. We went out for lunch somewhere nice and had a long walk and talk in the countryside. It was a special treat, reconnected us and did us both the world of good. I would certainly recommend just escaping together for a date night, day or weekend - something just for you as a couple to reconnect away from home and see how you go from there.

Original poster
FickleByNurture · 20/10/2014 13:30

Like I said, I hardly feel he's sexually neglected. We had even had sex yesterday morning...

I'll do me best.

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 20/10/2014 13:31

I did think projection at first.

But now I think your DH doesnt really know how he can help you and is struggling with feel a bit useless.

Momagain1 · 20/10/2014 13:42

I went through a phase like Fermin describes, not due to pregnancy, but to other major life changes. I was convinced i had followed him to the end of the earth, dragging my DDs along and now he wanted to leave me, I was sure, and I would be trapped so far away from everything and everyone! After some weeks of being depressed and panicky and walking on eggshells so as not to prompt the impending break up conversation, he finally broke. What had he done? What did he need to do? He was sure I was planning to leave him and he didnt know why and he couldnt stand it!

Silly us.

Original poster
FickleByNurture · 20/10/2014 13:50

Aww Momagain, that's quite a sweet story. I'm hoping it will work out similarly with us in the end :s I just need to make more of an effort.

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 20/10/2014 13:56

I hope so too, Fickle!

Original poster
FickleByNurture · 21/10/2014 21:12

So date night went great. We're cheerfully chatting about stuff, the conversation moves on to our plans for what we'll do when our house gets finished, he shares some plans for what he wants to do with the kitchen over the next year or so. Getting into the spirit of the conversation I suggest that maybe we could get chickens like he said he wanted.
"Don't worry me Fickle. FFS we haven't even finished the house yet."
I got slightly cross that I wasn't allowed to float ideas around and said that it was fine, we can move in and never change anything.
He's now stormed upstairs. Fuck.

OP posts:
sanfairyanne · 21/10/2014 21:34

sorry it ended badly Sad just from your posts he does sound controlling. i hope things get better. would counselling be a possibility?