Another thread about a failing relationship

[McBear]

Hi all, after your advice as always.

I'm really trying to keep this brief but rambling is my forte so apologies in advance.

We've been together 7.5 years. We have one DD who was unexpected. Since we got pregnant things have been difficult tho I'm not too sure they were as good as I thought before that.

We've lost our spark. After many heart to hearts, DP thinks this is just what happens to relationships so we need to accept it and continue. I think you need to reignite the spark every so often. He's willing to try but over the last few years (he says he's always been like this) he's become very fond if his personal space. He doesn't like cuddles, prefers to sprawl out on his own sofa and only wants sex once a fortnight. And I think he'd be happy to go without that.

We are more like companions for life or housemates. Though I think in a way this is a good thing, we NEED that thing that separates us from housemates.

I think compromise and affection are what we need but he hates affection.

Neither of us wants it to end (9 days out of 10 ) but we want to get out of this very long bad patch.

Where can we go from here?

Bump

I always think that if you have to work on a relationship, there's something fundamentally wrong with it.

You've talked and he has seemingly accepted this is how it is going to be (thus no compromise either) so I am questioning whether he really wants to get out of this very long bad patch at all. He seems quite happy as he is.

You seem both very different from each other; he also seems emotionally repressed.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Why do neither of you want to end this relationship which does seem to be on its last legs?. It is a combination of fear of the unknown, having to explain this to family, a sense of failure if it ends?. You are both falling into the sunken costs fallacy which causes people to make poor relationship decisions. You forget the damage here has already been done.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships, that this is her "norm", this is actually how a couple behaves within a relationship?. She is not going to exactly say "thanks mum" for staying with such a person if you were to choose to, she's perhaps going to wonder of you why you put him before her during her own childhood.

I personally think you have to work at keeping a relationship going. They're long term things. People change over time and want/need different things.

The reason we want to work at it/don't want it to end is obviously going to be partly because of what you have described Attila but I know for me that's a very small part and am sure of the same on his part, tho bigger on his side. I do think however, that his dad leaving and not being around too much has caused a chip on his shoulder. Saying that, he is intelligent enough to know that he's a completely different person to his dad and that because of that our split would be amicable and not like his parents.

I have outright asked him if the only reason he stays is DD. He says no.

He is emotionally repressed. There was a time I thought he was depressed. He lost a friend in a very upsetting way whilst I was pregnant. He keeps everything in and we all know that doesn't help.

The reasons we want to keep working at it are

-we used to be a great couple. We can get back to that.
-we still get on really well. Surely that's a big aspect of a relationship.
-he hates people generally (assumes they're all pricks until they prove otherwise) but he thinks I'm great. This makes me laugh, it's hard to explain why.
-we don't want anyone else, we want each other.
-he's a great father and basically everything I want in a man. I won't bore you with his attribute and obviously he comes With a few flaws but who doesn't...

I'd be very worried about the fact he says he hates affection, I mean, what us that all about - the spark should not go out after 7 years, in fact if you are truly in love with each other, the spark is always there, it might glow bright and sometimes dim but it's always there, it may just be that the relationship has actually run it's course.

if you are happy to continue with a companionship rather than a more exciting passionate relationship that's your call, but equally, you are entitled to have the relationship you feel you need and affection, for most people is fundamental.

He has stated he's not happy. He's happy with me and DD but he's not happy. He does seen to have accepted that this is how it will be though.

We are different. He says this. I've always known this but when we met we were similar in a world of different.

He has said we are used too used to each other. He says when we first got together or before he would have moved heaven and earth to spend the night with me. Nowadays he constantly refuses it. He's not sure why. Says he's too tired. He does work hard and goes to the gym 8 times a week...

Your second post is in stark contrast to your first.
I commented on the basis that you want affection and he hates affection.

Agree with neil James

Op I'd just both cut your losses and move on

Jan, I agree. I'd say the spark is still there but it's just glowing at the minute. Hopefully, it will reignite before it blows out. There are times when he's very passionate but they are getting fewer an further between which is why I feel we need to take action. He says I'm beautiful without my make up but says I need to take more pride in my appearance. He doesn't see why I can't look my best all the time

I don't think he does hate affection, unless he pretended to like it for the first four years. I know he doesn't like cuddles as much as I do but Jesus, a kiss every now and then. An affectionate touch. They won't kill him...

Contrast in which way Neil? I don't mean to contradict myself.

This is what I think the issues are:

• You are not happy with the way things are. He doesn't appear to care or want to try and do things which would make you happier. Does he love you?

• He does not like affection? Eh? I do know there are men out there who are not highly sexed and that is fine, but if you need more sex then I think he should be willing to give it a go more often. And maybe all you want is more hugs, cuddles and kisses.

• Relationships do take work? Is he putting any work into this one? What is he doing to make it work?

I think he sounds like he's quite satisfied with life and you're not (I wouldn't be either). If he is not taking this on board, he is extremely selfish and self centred. He needs some boundaries here. "I am not happy and I can't go on being unhappy forever therefore something needs to change by such and such date." I would suggest marriage counselling as it is sometimes helpful to have mediation on issues like this, where someone doesn't want to listen to someone else.

In terms of the affection, thing. I don't think it's what springs into most men's minds, but they are usually up for it if you initiate a cuddle or kiss. Sounds like he can't be bothered? Is he burning himself out at the gym?

What it read like to me is that in your first post, you said he hates affection and basically doesn't give a shit about you. In the second, you said he's everything you want in a man.
I don't know. Maybe it's me. It is Monday morning.

Ha, no Neil. It's me. That clearly doesn't make sense

He was everything I want. He could be again IF he becomes less selfish and more affectionate.

I asked what I would need to do to make him want to have sex with me more. He said nothing and that HE would have to go to the gym less, work less etc. at this point he's very interested in bettering himself by being more successful and looking good. I talk about it a lot but don't have the same drive as him. This annoys him.

Wow! So a good relationship is about 2 people being self obsessed and not giving a toss about each other? I guess it could work.

Honestly OP, he's a lost cause, if he doesn't feel it then what is the point in you trying to change his opinion, let him go, doesn't sound like any great loss tbh.

I don't really like saying this but I've read quite a lot of threads and when a bloke detaches himself from his dp and starts going to the gym and looking after himself, it could be a sign of erm............... nah, I don't want to say it.

He started going to the gym years and years ago. He has a friend who has a similar physique to van damme and decided as he was quite chubby that he wanted to improve. He went to the gym long before this. I will say that the better looking he's got, the more of a cunt he became. I told him this and he agrees.

Neither of us are self obsessed. He's selfish but not self obsessed.

OP, when you are having to ask your partner what you can do to make him want sex with you, that's the time to think maybe it's time to move on, relationships do involve work but not this much and yes, the two of you have to put the effort in.

Is he taking steroids? If he is, it not only decreases sex drive but also shrinks "things ". I'm not making excuses for him or anything. Perhaps he's just not an affectionate, tactile person by nature. Don't say, "well he was at first " because that was probably just for sex.

No steroids. He has thought about it. He's never been tactile. He's honest to a fault and sometimes the truth hurts. He was, however, affectionate. I think his personal space issues have just got worse and he feels more strongly about it.

He thinks you look great without makeup but should make a lot more effort a lot more of the time?

Is he pretty shallow OP?

Do you think he fundamentally RESPECTS you now that you are a mum?

"He's got tickets on himself" is the phrase that springs to mind.

He has obviously become very appearance orientated, and resents the fact that you haven't. You're being compared unfavourably to the gym bunnies he regularly sees. It might be one in particular, it might not.

Well you can't do anymore. I'm not even sure he can do anything about his personal space being invaded. Not when it's your partner anyway!!!

We have one DD who was unexpected. Since we got pregnant things have been difficult tho I'm not too sure they were as good as I thought before that.

That was a turning point. Do you ever wonder how things would have turned out if DD hadn't come along right then?

Btw how is he with DD, what's he like as a father?

It sounds like you both value the relationship but somehow both of you are part of the cycle. He is putting a lot of energy into withdrawing, while you are busy pursuing him. From what you describe here your DP has a personality problem and is using training as an excuse to avoid you and DD.

If he is becoming obsessed by fitness you probably feel like an exercise widow. How much time does he spend on this gym time? I think a reasonable amount would actually give him clear head space and more energy for the rest of his life, including you and DD.

Keep talking with him. Don’t be afraid to admit that you don’t know what to do. Be honest with him, tell him, “I care about you, but I don’t always know what to say or do.”

Is there any way in which you could join him in some activity if there is a creche or a way of arranging babysitting?

I think when a passion for something turns into an addiction that person is trying to fill what they perceive as a hole in their life.