Another thread about a failing relationship

[McBear]

Hi all, after your advice as always.

I'm really trying to keep this brief but rambling is my forte so apologies in advance.

We've been together 7.5 years. We have one DD who was unexpected. Since we got pregnant things have been difficult tho I'm not too sure they were as good as I thought before that.

We've lost our spark. After many heart to hearts, DP thinks this is just what happens to relationships so we need to accept it and continue. I think you need to reignite the spark every so often. He's willing to try but over the last few years (he says he's always been like this) he's become very fond if his personal space. He doesn't like cuddles, prefers to sprawl out on his own sofa and only wants sex once a fortnight. And I think he'd be happy to go without that.

We are more like companions for life or housemates. Though I think in a way this is a good thing, we NEED that thing that separates us from housemates.

I think compromise and affection are what we need but he hates affection.

Neither of us wants it to end (9 days out of 10 ) but we want to get out of this very long bad patch.

Where can we go from here?

Not shallow as such. When I buy new make up he tells me I shouldn't as I don't need it (I do) but yes he says I should look better. I have stopped straightening my hair as much as I can get away with and I have started just scraping it back as often as possible. I also come home from work and change straight into my track suit bottoms.

Does he respect me? I'm not sure. He says yes. When I was on mat leave he said he didn't because 'what is there to respect. You do a great job with DD but you're not using this time off to improve yourself not are you keeping the house clean enough etc etc'. That was a particularly bad argument. There was a time when he'd go out, come home and shout at me. Then there was one particularly bad episode during which he said he didn't love me anymore, he was only with me for DD and he didn't respect me. He never did it again. He's always been adamant that he never meant it. He was drunk angry and trying to hurt me. After that he didn't go out for a while. Then he started coming back very affectionate and we'd have sex for hours. He'd tell me how amazing I was. That would carry on for the next week or so and he'd say how he was getting back into the romance side and then we'd be too tired again. We've recovered from how bad it was before so are continually improving but have reached a plateau

He goes to the gym on his dinner break. Mon and fri he does cardio and gets back approx half six. Saturday he goes for two hours odd but I either tidy the house/take DD somewhere or now she's old enough take her to karate at his gym. It's a mans gym. (Say man like a Texan and do a fist pump and that describes it) so very few gym bunnies. I have a gym but can only go in the evening and I lack motivation. I aim for 4 times a week and make one.

When DD was teeny he was useless. I always thought it was because he was shit but he was too scared he'd break her. Now he's amazing. He's fantastic with her and she loves him.

I always wonder how things would be if DD hadn't come along but I don't care because I'd rather have her.

We've had a lot of bad luck and been very skint due to Childcare. I think that added a lot of strain that has put a dampener on us.

Sorry to say OP but Satinlaces post sounds about right. He sounds vain, selfish and like he has checked out of the relationship and is doing the bare minimum to keep it going.

I think what he said when he was drunk was the truth: he doesn't respect you that much now: you're not 'self-improvement-ish' enough. Whatever that is. Sounds to me like there is a fundamental issue of respect at the heart of it.

Could be handy. I agree that respect was a huge part of it tho it appears to have vastly improved. The ironic thing is that my main reason for lack of self improvement is due to lack of support at home...

It's fine for for your DP to do something now and then just for him which leave him feeling energised and fulfilled, as long as you get an equal chance for 'me time', and additionally, do things together as a couple.

Because otherwise you are just house-mates and parents to DD, and there'd be more to gain from living under separate roofs with a free pass to meet new, compatible partners.