well i didnt expect that

[inadarkplace]

so for anyone who read my last thread about my husband being arrested for touching my daughter you know ive been really upset trying to come to terms with all this ive been driving myself crackers trying to work out how when why convinced he is innocent etc etc ive been supporting my daughter and crying my eyes out for my husband all week his family have been supportive saying how much he misses me he loves me etc etc today i turn on my facebook and im confronted with him befriending other women last tuesday apparently so that would be the fucking day after he last saw me so he really took a long time about that didn't he so much for being devastated and missing his kids he has fucked us off and is on to his next shag BASTARD im sure there is going to be a rational and reasonable explanation for it all but all i want to do is say bollocks ive been dealing with kids who miss their dad my eldest son has been smacking the living shit outof me verbally and physically this week because he is confused and angry and instead of sitting at his moms worrying and working with ss to get supervised access to his sons he has been looking for a fucking replacement all along AAAARRGGG SON OF A FUCKING BITCH

excuse my language but my personal view was i was waiting for the investigation to be finished before i took any action over our relationship yes ive took my ring off and yes his photos are down but im not looking for anyone im busy picking up the shreds of my life

im beginning to hate everything

if (and it is if) he is innocent what a cunt i would look dumping on him
No you wouldn't.

How would you know he is innocent? Lots of people don't get sent to prison, who have committed the crimes. What % of certainty are you looking for? "Beyond all reasonable doubt" or "a clear and convincing case" (which is the level of proof for a civil case) or what?

I would actually judge you harshly if you allowed this man back in your life - regardless of what happens next. Your DD cannot have him in her life any more. You do have a clear choice.

you dont just fall out of love with someone it takes time so yes i can be angry and heartbroken it is allowed you know

If he beat up your daughter and left her physically battered and broken, would you still love him? If she was lying in a hospital bed, wrapped in bandages, because he'd physically battered her, would you still love him?

What he has done to your little girl is much worse than physical abuse, sorry to those that have been physically abused. She will be left with massive issues of trust, self doubt AND loathing, confusion, distress, betrayal, fear of physical contact, vulnerable to further abuse in childhood and possibly adulthood, the list of negatives is endless. If she sees you feeling sorry for YOURSELF, then she is going to feel responsible for that and hide her feelings to protect you. Do you want a daughter that feels she can't confide in you in order to protect you?

Do you seriously still love and miss the man who did this to your daughter? You need to get angry with this piece of shit, because that's what he is. Your daughter needs to know that you're angry with him because of what he's done to HER. She needs to know that your love and sympathy lies with her, otherwise you will irreparably damage your relationship with the poor wee soul. It was HIS choice to do what he did. No matter what he says, your daughter had NO CHOICE. Sorry to seem harsh OP but you need to start facing up to this. A man that can abuse a child is not capable of love.

I hope I haven't upset you OP. That was not my intention. I just want you to realise what is truely important here. I don't think anyone was 'judging' you, just trying to help your daughter. She's your wee girl so I'm sure you want to do the same, but I understand you've had a lot to process.

she is genuinely okay we spend lots of time talking and laughing together she doesn't seem to be suffering at all she is resoundingly chipper im waiting for her to fall apart

im not speaking to my husband but as i said i cant see how he could have done what she said the times dont match

hell no am i telling her that i know this! the poor child needs support not me to quiz her and try and get answers from her im scrambling around trying to get counselling for her

personally im not feeling equipped to make any decision about guilt or innocence they are obviously not going to tell me everything that they know (the police) so im focusing on my daughter and occasionally venting online when i feel like im going to explode realistically even when you all have a go at me it doesn't hurt like if i had told someone in real life and they had a go at me im pretty sure ive had enough pain this week to last me

she has just come home telling me all about her A in the test she took today so her grades are not slipping either she seems fine surely she has to crack up soon? im worried as hell my son is hitting me because he is angry his dad is not around he won't sleep alone without crying ive got to claim benefits now that will take time to sort out

im totally panicked and freaking out over here yes i can't see my husband is guilty of this but if you knew the entire minute by minute saga you would be puzzled too they just don't match even the officer who saw me today said it just doesn't add up but i cant see her lying to this extent either

see my conundrum? this is why i cannot sleep

What a mess

You just have to trust your daughter.

OP your posts sound like you doubt your DD

Just because she is acting normally doesn't mean she is lying.

I am afraid it is far more likely that she is confused about dates and when specific things happened than that she is making it all up.

Out of interest, how do you think your daughter 'should' be behaving, or would be behaving if it were true?

Why do you think he is innocent ?

Because he can talk and walk ? Look after your dd and don't bother about him. Anything else is delusional.

It's not for you to decide whether he is innocent anyway.

Poor girl.

will you block him on facebook - and make sure your daughter does too

Why would she lie about this? Do you have any reason to think she would lie about this?

I dont think anyone here has the right to tell the OP how to react unless they have been there themselves. Of course she is supporting her DD, that much has been obvious from the start. At no point has she voiced any doubt about what her DD is saying, she is supporting the police and her DD in getting this investigated. If she wanted this swept under the carpet or had put her daughter last on her priority list then she wouldnt be cooperating at all would she?

You dont know the details, you dont know what the police have told the OP apart from they too have their doubts, information that I think the OP shouldnt have had to post in order to justify her own feelings.

FFS either her much loved husband has sexually assaulted her DD or her much loved DD is a liar who is trying to get the husband convicted for something he didnt do, who the hell could cope with that without going slightly insane? If it turns out her DD lied (and it is a possibility), should she immediately stop loving her in the way you are saying she should stop loving her husband?

She is currently trying to reconcile the irreconcilable so unless any of you have walked in her shoes, why dont you just lay off? I am disgusted by people who have no idea what she is going through daring to tell her how she should be feeling and that she doesnt care about her daughter.

OP, thinking about this logically, are you sure that this friend request came from him? Could it be work related, friend of a friend etc? It seems odd that a man in the throws of this situation would immediately be trying to get another partner. It could well be innocent and coincidental, and you are focussing your anger on that because you have no outlet for your feelings elsewhere because you want to protect your children.

It's hardly for this forum to determine his guilt either - MN is being presented with a one sided version of a very emotive subject.
The only facts here are that a step-father has been accused of a pretty heinous crime.
Has he been found guilty? No
Has he even been charged? Not clear from the posts thus-far (but if MN were a lynch mob, one suspects he'd be strung up by now).
Don't get me wrong, if he's found guilty, then lock him up and throw away the key (I, like I would hope 99.9% of men in the civilised world, find this the most abhorrent of crimes), but right now, the OP needs support and understanding, and also to support her DD, not people judging her.
Oh and if the husband is innocent at the end of this, he's lost his relationship, and his two natural children, and will forever have the stigma of "no smoke without fire". Just a thought.
People need to back off the vitriol.

I was just about to say the same Minus

You can support someone through something like this while still being aware that they may not be telling the truth. You can support someone while still remembering that the accused is innocent until proven otherwise.

I don't think people should be giving the OP shit about how she's feeling about her husband. It's obvious from her other thread that she's supporting her daughter. She's probably only able to vent on her rather than letting it spill out in real life.

OP, I think it's understandable that you're feeling conflicting emotions about your husband. Just be kind to yourself as you will need to be there for your dd as much as possible. In regards to how she's acting, from experience just because she seems ok on the outside, doing well in school and laughing and joking, doesn't necessarily mean she's coping well with it all. It may be that she at the moment is feeling a sense of relief that's the abuse has stopped. But she may well be hit in the coming days with the shock of it all. It's then that you need to watch for the signs of her falling apart.

Inadarkplace, I hope you are ok? Apologies I didn't see your pm u until today but have now replied.

Innocent until proven guilty?!?! You're joking right??? Your DAUGHTER has TOLD you what happened and you still think it might not be true?? I'm sorry but when my dd came to me and told her that her uncle had sexually abused her my thoughts weren't "oh I'll wait until I hear from a court to see if he's guilty or not" it was "how the hell could I have missed this and how do I support her through it"!! Along with massive doses of guilt and heartbreak and shame that I didn't protect her. And when the police gave me the devastating news that there wasn't enough evidence to prosecute I STILL believed her. I find it sick that any parent would wait to find out if he was guilty or innocent before believing their child.

Your son is beating you up, your daughter has been molested.

And you are bothered about what goes on on FB??

God's truth........

(Not saying that you should be feeling guilt or shame either btw, it was NOT your fault it happened and it will never be your fault. It's the last thing anyone would suspect to happen)