calling those of you who were raised by single parents, what were the positives?

[yummytummy]

So am a recently single parent and I constantly worry about effect on kids. They do have contact with their father but obviously this is relatively limited.

I do find it really hard doing it all alone and not having anyone there to back up all the little day to day decisions. Never know if what I decide is best etc

am just worried about later on and especially when there is always bad press about single parents and kids not doing well in school etc

just wondered if anyone had any positive personal situations like eg they felt closer to their mum etc

I don't know maybe am not expressing myself very well but hope it makes some sense

I was raised by a single parent. It had lots of positives. My mum and I are extremely close and I genuinely felt we were closer as a result of being our own tiny unit with my brother.

And as I grew up and became an adult, I was glad that my mum had chosen for us to have a life with a happy (or happier) parent than in a miserable relationship where she was treated badly. That taught me a lot of important lessons about how I should value myself.

There were difficult times - particularly when I was a teenager and felt angry about everything. But as an adult, I can see this had more to do with my age than the circumstances really.

And my parents are both happily married now to other partners. They and their partners are all fantastic grandparents, meaning my children have a large extended family which is great for them. Blended families can be hard but they can also bring more people and joy into your life.

Thanks for sharing that does sound good. One of the things was I didn't want my kids especially dd to see how badly exh treated me and think of it as normal and I am glad that hopefully dcs will see that when they are older

Also my brother is very very close to my mum too and very protective of her. I'm sure this is down to her being his rock as a child.

(He is married by the way and his wife loves my mum too, so he isn't a tied-to-the-apron cliche, he is just nice.)

He did occasionally say when about 8-ish that he just wanted a proper daddy. But it was just a passing thought; my son told me tonight that he was devastated that I slept away from home and didn't want to come home anymore (I worked late two nights this week and DID come home, he was just in bed ).

Yummy - I saw how badly my dad treated my mum (emotionally, not physically) and it made me determined never to allow anyone to treat me that way. And I was glad my mum left him.

Both parents are now married to people who make them happy and my mum is treated very very well by her husband now, who thinks she is ace.

It was me and my mum since I was 5. She was both mum and dad to me and worked full time.
We have a lovely relationship. We don't see lots of each other due to distance but we talk every week and love each other dearly. I have no recection of feeling like I was missing out - on the contrary I remember having lovely me and her times.
I also did ok academically - better than some - not as well as others. But that's down to genes and effort on my part rather than parenting.
I've also been married for 24 years so that blows the other theory out the water too ;)

*recolection

My mum split from my dad when I was five, I don't remember him at all and have no sepia tinted romantic 'if only' vision of him.

I knew I could do anything that a man could do. My mum worked ful time when she was bringing me up and I knew I could also work and raise a family on my own.

I am fiercely independent, a huge feminist and undefeatable because of my mum.

It was always just me and my mum, since I was about 3 months. I did, and still do, see my dad regularly though.
I think it made us so much closer than we would have been. There were a few times when I was a teenager that we majorly fell out but that probably would have happened if she stayed with my dad!
I did very well in school, the only time I had trouble in exams was when I had personal issues (not with my mum) which meant I was distracted.
Financially, we were never well off but we got by.
I'm now currently in a happy relationship of 4 years so her and my dad (and later on my ex-step-dad) splitting up didn't effect my thoughts on love either!

Brought up by my mum,grandma and auntie. Wonderful but slightly impoverished! Much better when f left . Saw him once in 30 years and had the pleasure of telling the twat to fuck off. My mother was hard working, kind, funny and generous. Never had to tell us off as we were treated as people in our own right and no tension in the house.

We are grateful for the sacrifices she made . I'm sure you are doing a fantastic job.

Oh and just to add to my posts of reassurance, I did brilliantly academically. Won academic prizes - 1st class degree etc. (Not that it matters really, but just to counter statements that single parented children do worse.)

My mum also worked full time. Her being a single parent had nothing to do with my academic achievement. Her being a loving and supportive mum did.

YY to the closeness with my mum - I always knew she had put our needs before hers, I had her example of working bloody extremely hard to get what we needed, and I always felt I had someone to talk to. She never made it feel like she was making sacrifices, but looking back of course she was. She was always honest with us, but only in an age-appropriate way, i.e. she never shared her worries with us, but she told the truth if we couldn't afford something.

I had regular contact with my F after the split, but it was not a positive experience for me or my DSis. We are both very close to our mum and each other though. We both did well at school, and have decent jobs, and have coped with the usual ups and downs of life. We both have healthy relationships with partners. I think our mum taught us we were worth respect, and that relationships need effort from both sides. I would far, far rather have had one parent like her than any other two parents.

One of the most amazing positives I got out of it was just the sheer pride and respect I have for my mother especially, and women in general. She is literally like Wonder Woman in my eyes and can do anything, even now that she's got a new partner any manly suggestions of help from him are met with "why? I can do it myself!"

Also, and I only realise this now as an adult, she sacrificed so much for us; smaller/worse portions so we could have the best, treats so we could have ours, perusing relationships so our life would be stable, her bedroom, the list goes on. It makes me realise just how well she loved and cared for us as children and I love her endlessly for it.

What you're doing must be tremendously hard, but gosh it's absolutely bloody amazing.

wow thankyou for such lovely responses am welling up! especially the stuff about realising once older about the sacrifices that mum made for you. its funny but I guess kids pick up more than you think from an early age. its so reassuring to hear such nice things thanks so much for sharing gives me some hope for the future. I just feel so guilty that I cant give them the ideal family unit or the best of stuff materially. even though I know much of that is due to their dad but still I feel bad for them. I try to give as much love and time as I can and hope its enough

Love and time is all they need . Some of the best memories I have from my childhood are when we were at our 'poorest'. Not much money for cinema trips or new toys but plenty of time for cuddles and adventures and games together.

It sounds like you're doing a fantastic job and honestly feel free to ignore this next comment but just one piece of advice from a child's POV; even if their dad is a waste of space keep that opinion to yourself as best as you can and be neutral about it. It's very confusing as a child when the one person you love and trust more than anyone in the world doesn't like your dad. It makes you feel like you're letting them down in a funny kind of way by loving them. Your DC will come to make their own minds up about their DF. Be protective and honest, but not outspoken against him.

jubjub thanks yes I am always very careful how I speak about their dad. even when he blatantly lets them down I am always like oh daddy had to work etc etc make excuses for him. I am sure they will realise when they grow up and do the maths and discover that their half sibling was conceived while their dad was still married to their mum.

Yummy, I'm a year into single parenthood, and this is a great idea for a thread. I've been meaning to start another thread (had very few about the ex, but they've helped) as I do worry about do stuff like this.

I know(hope) that logically of course my dc will be fine, but....sometimes you can't help but worry.

Please keep all your lovely stories coming, you grown up well adjusted children of single parents

Sorry about the extra 'do'

Same as snapespeare.

My mum is my hero, I have always known I could do anything, I watched her move a washing machine from 1 house to another on the same street by herself, carry a wardrobe upstairs by herself, erect a six foot fence around a large garden by herself.

When time came to flee from my abusive ex with our 10mo did I doubt for a second that I was capable of doing it by myself! No!

Yes it's hard sometimes but kids adapt to whatever their circumstances are. Listen to them, give them space to ask questions and answer them tactfully but honestly. Give them as much time as you can.

Oh and academically I was in the top percent of all my classes until external events fucked up my studies and left me wrecked.

I'm an only child, the bond that I have with my mum is like nothing that anyone else will ever understand.

Dad was a serial philanderer who refused to give mum more than $50 a week housekeeping including clothes and everything for me and my brother. What a relief that she left him when we were very young, a brave thing to do in the very early 80s. Life was hard but we three worked together and made it through quite happy and balanced. I hate to think of the examples I would have learned about relationships if my dad had been around and my mum hadn't had the courage to leave and start afresh. My brother and I went to uni, have good jobs, families etc now of our own.

Your kids will be just fine they have a great role model to look up to.

After my ex left I remember being at a party with a very bright (academic, working for a pretty damn good university), friendly and sensitive woman I had always admired (a friend of a friend). I was fretting about the possible impact on my 2 DD's. She smiled and nodded with all the 'worse case' fears I had (I was quite drunk and low). Then just said. 'Or, they could end up being like me and being their mum's biggest fan'.
A few weeks later she invited me to a dinner with her mum. They were so warm together, so honest. Both massively proud of each other. I aspire to that still (though I am no longer a single mum). I actually am married to the only other person who heard this conversation who also pointed out his own experiences of the benefits to him of having happier parents. I stood between these two people who I'd always been in a little bit of awe of to be embarrassed they were actually confident in my ability to do it. That confidence came from their experiences. They didn't know me all that well, but they completely believed in the potential for positives.

Adding another glowing reference to all the single mothers who did brilliantly.

My mum brought up myself and my older brother single handedly pretty much from the start although she split from my father when I was 10 and brother was 14.

He never paid a penny of maintenance and apart from 2 half hearted attempts at keeping in contact, we never saw or heard fr him again.

Mum worked full time and did occasional night shifts on top. Never let us see her low times, which I'm sure were many. We never went without anything and both of us did well at school, uni places offered to us but funnily both of us ended up taking different career paths initially but now are in the same line of work.

I think we were both aware that things were tough emotionally and that money didn't grow on trees and we both never gave mum any trouble nor did we whine about not having everything we wanted there and then.

I'm stupidly close to my mum, I'm now 29 and as the years have passed I've been able to appreciate just how hard she had it and how hard she worked to give us such a cracking start in life.

OP, I've lost nothing by having an absent father and one day your little ones will look back and admire your strength, courage and determination, and will adore you even more for it. Good luck.

My mum raised me on her own from when I was four. I didn't have contact with my dad (my mum emigrated with me after the split; he died when I was ten) so it really was just the two of us.

One thing I took for granted at the time, but see with the benefit of hindsight, was that as the only other person in our house, my views got a lot more airtime than they would have if there had been another parent around for Mum to discuss things with. Vacations, house moves, whether to attend this or that family event; mum may have made the final decisions but I always had plenty of space to have my say.

Although I'm married now (was previously a lone parent to DS1 until he was seven), I still try to incorporate that into my parenting and allow DS1 plenty of input.

No particular positives but my dad was a bit of a non-entity. He was not around and I clocked very early on that he did not care. I did not miss having him around. I am middle management in a decent job. I feel that I had to fight very hard in life sometimes but it made me who I am and I am appreciative of that.

This is lovely to read cos I'm a single mother.

In many ways DS has had a better life because of it (there was DV).

We get on really well.

As for academics, he's at an Oxbridge type place abroad.

Not raised by single parent but I am a single parent to 2 who are now young adults. We are far closer because of it and we spend a lot more quality time because of it. We will often go out for meals or for a drink together. I also think they are closer for it too.

I'm so very proud of them. Although I work fulltime as a one income household, money has not been in abundance so they work to earn what they have and have a brilliant work ethic. My eldest is working hard to further his career which is not usual for a male and certainly of his age and my youngest has been working while at school and now he's studying at college. For years they have organised themselves including washing and ironing, getting out and about and taking responsibly for themselves.

I am convinced that things would have been very different if I'd had continued to be married to their dad but not necessarily as good as they are as just us three. I love my family and how the dynamic has made them into the independent young men they are.

I hate the term single mum because it often has negative stereotypical conitations but I'm also damn proud to be a single mum.