What happens if I report emotional abuse to the police?

[500Decibels]

I want dh to get some help, not get arrested.
Every now and then he seems to lose the plot and become very verbally abusive. Swearing at me, swearing about the state of the house. He swears and belittles us.
Afterwards, he's embarrassed and ashamed and says he doesn't know what comes over him but doesn't go to seek help.
If I called the pcso, what would happen? Ideally I'd like them to come and tell him that he's abusive and to go seek counselling or medical help.

Anyone?

The police might arrest him for breach of the peace, but I'd be surprised if they told him to get counselling.

Why can't you tell him to get professional help ?

Hi 500

I'm dealing with the police at the moment with my EA marriage. What happened with me was that I contacted them because of a proper complaint - H is scary and I'm trying to divorce him and he doesn't accept it - they visited me at home to check if I was at immediate risk which I wasn't. A couple of days later I was contacted by a community DV officer and was invited in to make a full statement on what has been happening. That statement needs to be written up and then I have to go back and sign it - it is then checked by the superintendent and an action plan put in place.

it maybe that H gets an official warning (a caution) or the PO did say that it can be very difficult to arrest over emotional and psychological abuse and a verbal warning might be possible but she didn't know.

Are you happy to stay with your H then? If the police came to your house and had words with him, how do you think he will react afterwards?

He can be ordered to go on a perpetrators programme, but he woukd need to be arrested and a court would decide that.

The police can't do anything about someone swearing at someone else in their own home, unless there are threats made (even then, very difficult to prove).

If you want him to get counselling or medical help, you would be better off trying to persuade him to do that.

Explain exactly how he makes you feel every time he acts like that. Then if he doesnt' want to do anything about it, you might need to review whether you really want to continue the relationship.

I've tried but he doesn't seem to think he needs help. When he's in this state, he's like a mad man.
I can't reason with him. He went crazy this morning about nothing and stormed off out. He calls me the foulest words in front of the kids.
He's been sending me abusive texts all day.
Even my ds asked me today why daddy doesn't like us

If he's like he is when he's not going through this cyclical lunacy, then he's fine. He does need some kind if help.
I also don't want to put up with this.

Sorry for what you're going through Thename

Thanks 500, it's ok but I got here because my H behaves like that as well love. That and worse.

Have you told him you're unhappy and are starting to wonder if there's any future for you or that he's so bad sometimes you have even felt like talking to the police? I wonder what he would say to that?

Sorry, just saw you've tried talking to him.

Hmm, well it definitely sounds like he's abusive any you're caught up in the 'cyclical' abuse pattern. How long has this been going on?

The last yr or so had been bad but he's been probe to abusive outbursts since I've known him. He's always been a bit moody too but because I can switch it off and I've never been scared of him, I've never really thought about it. I just thought it was him.
But now he's started being nasty to the kids. Usually over something trivial when he's in that mood.
Other times, he ll be fine with the same thing.

It's not just a telling off, it's really nasty. Calling them names and threatening that he'll give them something to cry about.

Oh I'm sorry 500 :(

Now for the harsh bit(!) - call the police on him, how DARE he abuse and threaten the children like that.

My children are 9 and 6 and I'm getting out now before he starts on them as they get older and more challenging.

I think you may have 'thought' you were switching off to him, but actually I think you sound quite ground down love, I think he has been working on you subtly for years and has now moved on to the DC :(

How old are they? You need to realise that he won't ever change, not with counselling, not with anything - they just don't change.

That last bit was told to me by lovely Victim Support lady who specialises in Domestic Abuse - the work needed to change their psychology? Well it would take the rest of their lives, and then A good few more years on top of that!

(My Dad was very abusive btw, temper tantrums at my mum, name calling and then he started on me when I hit my teens, he called me vile names and slagged off my looks.....and look where I am now!)

You can't make some one seek help if they don't want to and he's said he doesn't want to .

The only think you can do is decide if you want to put up with things the way they are . And how much abuse are willing to subject the children to .

The police can't make someone treat their wife and kids well. They can't make him seek help .

Have you thought of contacting womens aid, who can advise and help YOU? Because it seems to be that the only person looking for help here is YOU, not your DH. He is obviously just fine with the way things are .

That's really nasty for you and the children and not acceptable behaviour. Can I ask the classic question: is he like this with friends and colleagues or just with you? (I'd put money on it being just you). Because if it is just you and the children do not fall for any shit about it being anger management problems - he can control himself with others. This means the behaviour is deliberatel : he chooses to do it so as to intimidate and control.

I would see a solicitor in your situation to find out what your options are. To be honest for me this is LTB. but if you're not ready for that yet simply consulting a solicitor then telling him you are thinking of leaving may deliver the short sharp shock you were hoping for from the police.

IMPORTANT - this advice only applies of you don't think he'll escalate to physical violence. If you have even the smallest nagging feeling he might, make plans to leave without telling him.

Myempire sorry that was to the dcs bit me.
I promise I haven't been ground down. I can give as good as I get if I have to. I switch it off because I don't want a scene in front of the children.
Sometimes I'll just laugh at him or congratulate him on a particular abusive term. The problem with that is that he gets nastier the next time as he's desperate for a reaction, which I don't give.
Now, he's started in the kids as he knows I'll react to that.

I just think it's a shame as when he's not like that, he can be a thoroughly decent and involved family man. I'd like to see if he can improve through counselling or mood stabilisers or something.

His only sibling died when he was younger and I don't think he actually dealt with it very well.

I don't know. Maybe I'm grasping at straws but I'm willing to give him a chance if it's something that can be sorted.

I'm not going to tell you what to do 500 because this is your life not mine.

But - my H has been lovely today, been out with the kids swimming and is now playing computer games with them upstairs to give me a break - and yet I am seeking a non molestation order against him next week and am forging ahead with the divorce behind his back because I know that happy family days like this are just glimpses - they're not 'real' and the happy times don't last long at all, and who knows when the mood will change to a horrible one again, could be in 10 minutes, could be tomorrow, could be in a week, but it's coming, it always is.

I give as good as I get too most of the time, in fact all the abuse I've been through is from me standing up for myself.

When they're temper tantrumming it's because they feel right and just and entitled.

God my Dad was always sorrowful and hurt after terrorising me and my mum. They're still together and she is in complete denial...and an alcoholic.

The loss of a sibling isn't an excuse or a reason. There isn't any excuse or reason for being a horrible bastard.

OP, it is a cliche, I know, but the only person who can change his behaviour is him. This isn't a criminal matter, and he can't be forced to seek help.

It would be a deal breaker for me. Imagine your DC growing up and explaining to someone that their mother allowed their father to be abusive to them, but it was ok, because she answered him back?

Thename thanks. I know everything you've said is right. Sometimes I wish that dh would just meet someone else and leave because I don't think I can do what you're doing - yet.

I do know that I'd rather be without him when we re having a day like today but I'd rather be with him than without when he's being the happy, proud family man that I know he can be.
I just think a shock or a 3rd party telling him exactly what he's doing May open his eyes and get him to seek help.

I guess I'm in Lala land.

This sounds very serious OP. You can choose to stay or go of course, but your kids don't have any choice.

If there was indeed hope for redemption, it would need to come from him. Any help he seeks under pressure from you or anybody else is on a hiding to nothing, he'd just be jumping through hoops to get you off his back.

The responsibility for his awful, abusive behaviour lies with him alone. You can't fix another person.

I know exactly how you feel 500

Shock tactics that I have used over the years to try and change H have been leaving him, suggesting marriage guidance, threatening him with the police, asking him to leave, giving him articles on abuse to read, asking him to talk to Respect (a helpline for perpetrators) telling him I want a divorce and my most recent was serving him divorce papers! None of it worked because he sees himself as right.

I am on the Freedom Programme, not sure if you've heard of that, but there's a book that comes with it called 'Living with the Dominator' - H has just read it (because he says he wants to change!) but has decided that the book also describes me.

He's now really pushing for marriage guidance because he wants a third party present so that he can be the persuader 'also described in the book' and convince the counsellor that he is innocent, lovely, and yes he's made some mistakes but all he's really guilty of is working too hard and being a bit stressed.

Naturally I am doing my best to avoid this counselling now as it would just be more brain washing and prolonging the inevitable.

What MorrisZapp said.

i didn't mean my last post to be about me by the way, I'm just trying to show you that I'm an example of trying to get an abuser to change that's all.