What happens if I report emotional abuse to the police?

[500Decibels]

I want dh to get some help, not get arrested.
Every now and then he seems to lose the plot and become very verbally abusive. Swearing at me, swearing about the state of the house. He swears and belittles us.
Afterwards, he's embarrassed and ashamed and says he doesn't know what comes over him but doesn't go to seek help.
If I called the pcso, what would happen? Ideally I'd like them to come and tell him that he's abusive and to go seek counselling or medical help.

OP

I think that somewhere along the line your dh has witnessed or been subjected to this abuse himself. All he is doing now is playing out that role on his own loved ones. He's been conditioned that way. You obviously haven't.

Unfortunately what he is doing now is conditioning your lovely children to his abusive ways. That abuse will manifest itself in a number of ways in your children but not least when they become adults themselves and try to form loving relationships.

That is where their fathers legacy will rear it's ugly head.

Your dh wasn't born that way, he was made that way. Abuse is a pattern that repeats itself throughout families until of course someone breaks the mould.

Good luck with this. I can see you still have hope for this man. Maybe it's worth looking into something that can help him see the error of his ways. Not sure what though!

If you report it to the police they may pass it on to social services. That's about the best outcome you could hope for.

Come on, he is utterly destroying your children's self esteem and sense of safety in their own home. Tap into your protective instincts and get them away from him. He's seriously harming them.

The name -AFAIK , relathionship counsellers won't work with couples where the relathionship is abusive . Because the first step is for the abuser to seek help for himself to stop abusing his partner /kids.

And because abusers can seek to use the counselling to perpetuate the abuse

Oh absolutely Kristina. I mentioned it because I wondered whether op was considering it and in circumstances like this it's just all wrong

OP read this: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2205923-To-think-the-human-race-is-too-unevolved-for-perfect-relationships

The OP on that thread had similar hopes, I (and others) wrote a lot of stuff, I don't want to copy and paste but feel it would be helpful to read maybe?

Thanks Bertie that was useful reading.
Thename thanks for your posts. I've found them very helpful.

I'm not considering relationship/couples counselling. I think dh should get his own counselling.

It's all so depressing and daunting. I feel drained by all the events of today. Thankfully, he's not back home yet so we ve been pottering around quite happily.
I'm not looking forward to engaging with him again. I think you're all right and there's not much hope for change.
I'll have one more chat with him and see if he's willing to see a gp.
I'll take it from there.

I agree this is very serious.

I wonder why you think you and the children should put up with this. How can you live with a man who treats you all so appallingly. I don't care how nice he is during the good bits - the awful bits are foul.

I think you should speak to Women's Aid and make plans to get rid of him permanently. He is not a good father and he is showing your children that is ok to treat their mother and them like dirt. Surely you and them deserve better than that?

So all this is about abusive men, fair enough. Now I'm going to break the taboo and talk about an abusive woman. My mother. I've come to realize she has emotionally abused me most of my life.

And its getting steadily worse. Constantly comparing me to 'everyone else' to prove I am a failure and not good enough. Constantly expecting me to fulfill her unrealistic, sometimes impossible expectations. Yelling and screaming at me, using emotional blackmail and threats to make me do what she wants.

She is now threatening to sell the house and take out equity release to force my hand. Can I report her? I doubt anyone would believe me. She is one of the most manipulative people I know. Capable of acting nice, reasonable and pleasant. She could dupe anyone.

I don't have the money to move out, and even if I did, she would still not leave me alone.

That is actually horrific OP, he's abusing both you and your children; they will be traumatised and will continue into adulthood fearful and anxious, I am not having a go, I just think you need to see it from an outsiders perspective and you yourself should go seek counselling, try Women's Aid, even just to have someone who will listen to you without judgement. He has zero intention of changing or even trying to get help and will continue this behaviour; if you don't leave now you probably will in the future as your own mental health will be so compromised he will have worn you down to a shell.

Sorry to sound dramatic but honestly, that's a truly horrible way for you and your children to live. No harm in seeking confidential advice.

If he was so embarrassed why does he do feck all about it then; he's not embarrassed, he's just telling you what you want to hear.

You seem to be in a position where you're hoping he can get help, op, so that you can continue your lives with just the nicer side of him.

To be very blunt you are allowing your children to grow up witnessing domestic abuse.

Abusers don't change, or extremely rarely. Their habits are so ingrained they have to accept they have a problem and potentially go through years of therapy to have any hope of getting rid of the problem. Even then it's extremely hard to change.

Please separate from this man. Value the future mental health of your children and leave because I can promise you if you stay they will suffer. They are growing up thinking that dads are aggressive right now and that women deserve to be shouted at. You deserve better and your children definitely do. There are no excuses but these abusers all have them. My ex had been abandoned by his dad as a 3 year old boy. Very sad but absolutely not a reason to terrorise me and it's the sane for you. We all have bad things happen to us in life. There are other ways to deal with them beyond being aggressive.

I do know that I'd rather be without him when we re having a day like today but I'd rather be with him than without when he's being the happy, proud family man that I know he can be

How much cyanide do you want in your sponge cake?

There really is no safe level of abuse.

Zombie thread folks