He doesn't want to get married.......

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My partner of 19 years guessed that I planned to propose to him next year to celebrate our 20 years together. We've talked about it and he says he doesn’t want to get married as it may change things. But I do want to get married. I now feel very sad and feel it’s affected our strong and loving relationship. How can I come back from this?

This is the difference between being married and not - www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm

You have next to no rights now, except perhaps the house.

Every single week on here, there is a thread from an unmarried woman who gave up work or went part time after having children with a partner, they split and she is high and dry.

There is one active right now where the couple have been together for 15 years, he bailed and isn't in the country. She is up shit creek without a paddle.

Show him that link about how unprotected you are.

Please do yourself a HUGE favour and get full time hours somewhere.

Exactly what Chunderella and others have said.

My conversation with him tonight would be 'ok we are not getting married but we need to get the legal side sorted now. Right now'

Thank you all for your responses, they are EXTREMELY helpful. And have made me look at things in a different light. We had wills drawn up 8 years ago and have life insurance and critical illness cover. I will have to look into the type of property ownership we have. I have close friends who have been through relationship break-ups who weren't married and seen how the women felt vulnerable and unprotected even though they worked full-time and owned half the house. And felt they had to agree to ex-partners demands regarding the children so as not to rock the boat. I don't want to split up ever but need to be practical and realistic in protecting us both and our children, right? Does anyone know a good lawyer who deals with these issues in Cambridge? I still want to make a formal commitment but realise I need to get the legals sorted if he doesn't want to marry.

If he won't get married, you can look into getting a cohabitation agreement (there's a good article on it here). They are becoming increasingly common and are a proper legal document which covers a lot of eventualities if you split up. We're in the process of getting ours drawn up (fortunate perk of where I work) and it seems like it will be very detailed. It would cost more than a basic wedding though.

I will look into the legal issues more thoroughly but I guess I am still feeling annoyed and hurt that he has the last word on the subject. Have many of you had a cohabitation agreement drawn up?? How much does it cost? When you consider the cost of consulting a lawyer, agreements drawn up etc. it seems to make more sense (and cost less) to get married and have those issues dealt with altogether, as well as making a public declaration, which was, for me, part of the reason for wanting to get married.

If it's attitude that's sticking in your throat.... and quite understandably after all these years .... then tell him. It's the fact that he has the last word that shows up how unequal your relationship really is. That's the source of your insecurity and anxiety, I suspect. The legalities and financial protections aside, when two people have opposite views on a core value then it's a serious incompatibility.

Thanks for your response, CogitoErgoSometimes (interesting username!!), I think you're probably right, that as I haven't contributed financially as much as him over the child rearing years, I do feel vulnerable. He did say he felt terrible that I wanted to get married and he didn't but maybe not bad enough! The conversation is by no means over, believe me. If anything it has fired me up and brought the legal elements into clear focus, even more than before, when previously I was focussed on the romantic, special aspect of a public declaration.

But the 'last word' is also because you want to make a change that he would have to consent to, and he is choosing not to. On the other hand, this is something that is important to you but that he believes makes very little difference to your relationship - so why shouldn't he go through with it to make you happy?

Perhaps when he understands the full costs involved in providing the legal protections without marriage he will be more inclined towards it.

And I agree with Cog, speak up about the fact you think his attitude is an issue.

Did the children take his surname?.

I think he fobbed you off ten years ago by saying "its not the right time" (what after two children, a joint mortgage and ten years at that point together!) and he is certainly trying the same now. His "it may change things" so called reason is a cop-out that does you a huge disservice. I doubt that there ever will be a right time frankly, I do wonder what his definition of the right time actually is.

I would actually sit your man down in front of a Solicitor to get the full implications of you as a couple remaining unmarried explained properly. It needs to be spelt out to him. He likely does not know and perhaps even thinks that the term "common law wife" has some legal meaning (it does not). You are entitled to have as much legal protection as possible (and even that won't cover absolutely everything) if he will not marry you.

If he also died tomorrow you could not claim widows allowance (which is currently around £110 per week) as you are unmarried. You also could not choose a headstone for him either nor open Letters of Administration. Apart from dealing with your emotional grief you could also be in financial straits and reliant perhaps also on the goodwill of his mother.

In law you are both currently regarded as two separate individuals unrelated to each other and will be treated as this as well. Your legal position currently is a very poor one.

"your life insurance policies would pay out to an unmarried partner. I believe most do but have heard they don't all"

It'll all depend on when written. If taken out in 1980s then it may well not do, but you need to check.

Ditto pensions, as people are clinging to the older final salary ones, because the pension itself is higher, but is precisely these which may not pay out to a non-martial partner.

I've now read so many articles and looked up all the legal protection and benefits being married provides and my head is spinning. Please could someone clearly explain the position in legal terms if an unmarried couple split up. I know I should have sorted out a lot of things before now.

mouse, no one here can tell you exactly what your position would be, because no one here knows what measures you already have in place.

You need to ask a solicitor, to discuss things like the type of shared mortgage you have, whether he's named on the children's birth certificates and so on. But you would be in a more secure position if you were married before a break up.

There are legal protections which cover most of what you would have for being married - but it is only most, and it costs more. So you can get Powers of Attorney to make each other next of kin both financially and medically. You can ensure your pensions and life insurance pay out to each other. You can get a cohabitation agreement which is pretty binding, and it in you can lay out decisions as to support for children and each other if you separate, and as far as I understand it (still in the process of creating ours) put your property into a sort of trust.

The biggest things you are missing doing it this way are the widows allowance, and the inheritance tax limits (more for married couples).

But it needs to be something that you have both consciously entered into, fully aware of what might be missing in certain circumstances.

The only issue for me in what you are debating with your husband is that if you have very different stances on marriage as a public commitment - even if the wedding is in secret - is that you both want the last say.

Maybe ask a solicitor for a free half hour after looking at all the implications of not being married and making a list.

Next of kin issues if you/he were taken seriously ill.
Pensions
Benefit entitlements eg widows pension
Care of children on separation. Does he have fewer rights?
Does his higher contribution to the bills/house give him greater rights?
Etc etc

If all these issues had to be clarified in a legal settlement it would probably cost ££££ whereas getting married is relatively cheap!

If an unmarried couple split up nothing is assumed to be joint unless it is documented as joint. You are - in the eyes of the law - friends or, at best, business partners rather than family. You are entitled to nothing that you cannot demonstrate belongs to you. Any settlement is therefore entirely dependent on the individuals and people splitting up tend not to be very charitable, The children are treated the same way as the children of a married couple, by and large.

And it does rather depend on you staying in Europe or Aus/Can/NZ/US, or somewhere which takes a similarly pragmatic view of non-married partners.

If you emigrate to or holiday in parts of the world which have zero recognition and accident/illness occurs, then things could get complex very quickly just at the time you don't want extra admin.

Gosh it hadn't even crossed my mind about the illness/accident thing abroad. I'm sure my partner is totally unaware (as was I) of some of the entitlements of being married, in particular, bereavement allowance. Furthermore, I'm almost certain he is not aware of the lack of legal standing, rights and entitlements for unmarried couples especially regarding medical decisions, burials and opening letters of administration. All of which are very important matters. I really want to have this conversation with OH now but the children are around so not appropriate. I feel foolish for not putting more in place before now. But thank you all so much for all your input, advice, information and support.

Could you show him this thread or the link to the difference between married and not?

Yes I've written down the differences and and things (and weblinks) that we need to sort out with a solicitor and will talk to OH tonight. I actually feel empowered by having a real understanding of the position legally and that it's imperative we put things in place to protect ourselves and our children, because no one knows what the future brings. We were drifting along happily before this with total trust in each other but naively unaware of the reality of our situation.

There is at least one MNer who has had to deal with the death of a spouse whilst on holiday abroad - and a point she made very strongly was that, however unbelievably awful it was to have to deal with, it would have been considerably worse if they had not been married. Unfortunately her posts have been deleted but from googling I can see that even with a marriage certificate she struggled to get access to joint accounts until probate had been sorted out - there are simply a lot of practicalities to consider that have nothing to do with your desire to make a public commitment.