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Original poster

What would you have done?

36 replies

HeyHoHum · 17/10/2014 18:48

Ok I have a friend been friends for 20 years we are both single parents she has DC aged 10 and 7, I have one aged 4.

These days we get together about once a month just me and her. Last month I suggested that we do something with all the kids, as in a day out somewhere. I asked her where did she think and she had no ideas so I suggested A if it was ok weather, B if not. She was fine with that.

So today the weather is fine where we are and good forecast for tomorrow so I texted her to say plan A was looking good. She then texted back to say her eldest didn't want to go to A or B. I asked where he would be happy going and she said bowling. I said that bowling may be ok (I've never taken ds before) but it would only be an hour or so and it seemed a shame to not make most of fine weather. I suggested another place but again her eldest didn't want to go there either. She said she was sorry but she couldn't make her eldest go and I replied that it would have been better if she'd asked her eldest previously rather than day before but as I'd promised my son a day out I would just take him on my own and perhaps we could all go bowling together another time. I was a bit disappointed as it's obviously nice to have company when going on days out and if I'd known that it wasn't going to work with going with my friend and her kids I could have maybe arranged something with another friend.

My friend seemed a bit miffed, not sure whether I should have just gone bowling now?.

OP posts:
Mammanat222 · 17/10/2014 18:53

I have a friend who is quite "arty farty", she loves off the beaten track exhibitions and doing quirky things.

Sometimes if I fancy it I join her (her DS is a year older than mine but they are both still toddlers - last thing I tagged along to was a Roman Reenactment!!) but if I don't fancy what she suggests then I tell her I'll see her another time. Works the other way too, sometimes I suggest things and she'll either agree if she fancies it or we make plans another time.

No offence has ever been caused?

It does seem a shame to waste the last if the nice weather by doing something indoors so you did the right thing, I am sure your friend will get over it.

cafesociety · 17/10/2014 20:34

The 10 year old seems to be the problem and dictating to her mother far too much. The mother should be in control of the situation not the child.

Time to tell her life isn't all about her and that there were 4 other people to consider, and nice weather to appreciate. At her age she should be learning to consider others.

I think you did the right thing by giving your DC a day out, and if she was miffed that's up to her. The DD changed the whole plan and should have been cooperative and gone along with the original plans.

You're going to go bowling with them another time....what's wrong with that? Perfectly reasonable.

cafesociety · 17/10/2014 20:35

Sorry....for DD read DS.

magoria · 17/10/2014 21:57

Depends what the plans are. I think aged 10 and aged 4 are maybe too far apart to do things together.

Perhaps stick to the just the pair of you without children as you used to?

ThatBloodyWoman · 17/10/2014 22:01

I think a 10 year old is quite capable of ruining the day for everyone, so I can understand your friends pov.
I think you've done right, and as the children get older there may be clashes, mood swings etc that may change plans at times.

Vijac · 17/10/2014 22:02

I have a friend like this. It's so annoying!!! Just don't agree in the first place if you don't plan on going and she should let you know as soon as there was uncertainty about the plan. Then would have time to ask another friend. You did the right thing.

dreamingbohemian · 17/10/2014 22:10

I guess it depends, was your primary aim to spend time with your friend, or to be outside? If I really wanted to spend time with a friend, then I would just have gone bowling, then hoped after that everyone would be in a good mood and we could all go outside and do something.

As it is, you are kind of telling your friend it's more important to you to be outside than to spend time with her. I'm not sure why you couldn't just say, okay me and DC will go do something outdoorsy in the morning, let's meet up for lunch and bowling later. Why cancel the whole day?

I agree that kids shouldn't dictate everything, at the same time a sulky 10 year old is no fun to drag around all day.

SaucyMare · 17/10/2014 22:42

Think i would have done the same as you.

jezzapaxmanslovechild · 17/10/2014 22:58

Like dreaming said ^^

PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair · 17/10/2014 23:02

If your days out are fun and suitable for a 4 yo I can imagine that your friend's older DCs may not have been as enthused about either option.

Sometimes I have to change plans as it's not worth the aggravation of trying to entertain 14yo DS who doesn't want to be entertained. At his age I can sometimes leave him at home and go anyway, but a couple of years ago I would have tried to suggest something more suited to his age or just tried to organise it for another time when he wasn't around.

I agree that if spending time with your friend was the objective, accepting her invitation to go bowling and maybe doing something outside before or after would have made everyone happy. Quite often bribing older DCs with an activity they do like in order to get them to join in with something they're not so keen on is the only way to make things bearable!

It sounds like you didn't want to compromise and neither did she/her dc. I don't believe that a child should dictate what happens but we all have to be a bit considerate of what everyone wants to do and there's no fun to be had for anyone if a sulky pre-teen is in the mix.

Charley50 · 17/10/2014 23:04

It's hard when kids are different ages. Try and see your friend in the evening sometimes as your kids are at such different stages.

Original poster
HeyHoHum · 17/10/2014 23:11

Thanx for replies. We have popped around each other's houses with kids for quick catch ups. The point of the day is that thought it would be nice to do something all of us as a group. It's not always easy taking kids out for a trip as a single parent, it's nicer when there's an adult to talk to too. I have one other single parent friend who I do stuff with, her DC is only 1 year older than mine so obviously easier. I get that her eldest DC didn't want to go the places that we wanted to but could not that have been established when we arranged it weeks ago? Incidentally her other DC wanted to go so seems she's missed out now too.

OP posts:
PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair · 18/10/2014 00:34

If she's anything like me she probably didn't mention it to her DCs until yesterday to save them moaning or having anything to say about it!

I know my DCs will but me about anything I plan, trying to change it to suit them. I just leave it until the last minute and then tell them what we're doing!

PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair · 18/10/2014 00:35

Bug me, not but me!

Cricrichan · 18/10/2014 00:43

My kids range from age 4 to 11 and it's often unfair on the eldest because there are quite a few things that a 4 year old can't do.

She probably felt it more important to spend quality happy time with her children.

FloatingPorpoise · 18/10/2014 00:50

There is quite an age difference in your children - you don't really realise that until you have older children. Maybe make friends with younger children and stick to nights out with her? Flowers

Tinks42 · 18/10/2014 02:34

Im with Floating on this, 10 year olds don't really do parks.

Wrapdress · 18/10/2014 02:42

If I was the mother of the 10 and 7-year-old, I would have left the 10-year-old at home and taken the 7-year-old the park. I wouldn't expect the 10-year-old to want any part of a "play date" with a 4-year-old. (My son was capable of staying home alone at 10. Other kids may not be.)

Nothing worse than kids being forced to play with random children of friend's of their parents.

Tinks42 · 18/10/2014 02:47

Laughing here Wrapdress, wait until you have a teenager, now thats pretty interesting.

ChippingInLatteLover · 18/10/2014 02:58

10 year olds don't 'do' parks?

Talk about a sweeping generalisation. ALL of the 10 year olds I know love going to a good park and our local park is full of older kids having a great time!

I do not understand parents who say 'I cannot make my 10 yo do xy or z* They're 10 ffs, you are the parent, just tell them what they are doing. He wasn't (or shouldn't have been) asked if it was OK for you all to go, he should have been told that's what was happening and at best asked which of the first two options he would prefer. If he's ruling the roost now and spoiling things for the younger one, what the hell is he going to be like as a teenager - then she'll be all woe is me he doesn't listen to me.

Wrapdress · 18/10/2014 02:58

I have a 20-year-old son.

ChippingInLatteLover · 18/10/2014 03:00

Nothing worse than kids being forced to play with random children of friend's of their parents

Really - nothing worse at all than spending a few hours with some other kids. Then they lived very blessed lives.

Tinks42 · 18/10/2014 03:15

errr, you can't force a person to do anything, whether you are a parent or not. I never forced my child to do anything and he's a fantastic teen, interesting of course but fantastic. No a lot of 10 year olds dont want to go to the park with 4 year olds and I for one don't blame nor force them to.

Tinks42 · 18/10/2014 03:16

And i agree also with the saying that you just highlighted to chipping.

Tinks42 · 18/10/2014 03:16

too, before you crack down on that also.