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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

urgent advice needed - follow on from DH is bipolar thread

41 replies

thepoorlobsters · 17/10/2014 14:39

I posted a thread last night which I will post in a comment after this OP.

Things have only got worse (sincee last night) and today DH has lost it. He has made up lots of things and accused me of lots of things in the last 24 hours that are just not true. I feel that he is losing his mind. He is extremely angry with me and I just can't stop the torrent of anger over email and text.

I am 35 weeks pregnant and have not done anything apart from the usual: sleep and eat, in the last 24 hours. But he is accusing me of defying him and deceiving him.

I cannot stop the accusations. He doesn't want me in the house with him but he doesn't want me to leave the house either. If I argue back it makes him worse. If I go silent, he accuses me of ignoring him/being negligent. He is out of the house at the moment and I am frozen about whether to leave or not. He keeps sending me warnings like: "I would advise you to think very carefully about how you will treat me when I return." There is no actual explanation about what the problem is.

He is in the frame of mind where he cannot see anything other than from an incredibly vigilant, controlling, self-destructive mindset where I have done him wrong. I have told him that I am worried for his mental health and he says that I am the one who is mentally ill.

You'll see from the thread above he is difficult to live with due to his bipolar, but it has never been as bad as it has been in the last 24 hours.

I feel that if I leave the house, he will have more reason to feel that I am being deceptive/defiant and he will feel inside that it just goes to show how I am set on hurting him and that I am in the wrong. Whereas if I stay, he will insist i accept reality as he defines it (in his current mental state) which is that I am torturing him and lying to him and deceiving him and I need to change. This feels like emperor's new clothes.

What should I do?

Should I go to a friend's house, tell him where I am and get a witness to the behaviour? Or should I check into a hotel? Or should I stay put and weather the storm with him and when he has calmed down, try to talk to him rationally?

OP posts:
Original poster
thepoorlobsters · 17/10/2014 14:40

this was the thread last night:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2211217-Bipolar-DH-dont-know-what-to-do

OP posts:
InfinitySeven · 17/10/2014 14:42

Leave.

Your baby and yourself have to be safe. That is your number one priority right now, so go somewhere safe before he gets back.

Then call his crisis team. They'll be able to assess him, and help him. Do not go back until that has been completed.

I'm bipolar, so I know what I'm talking about, unfortunately.

lumpyparcel · 17/10/2014 14:45

I would suggest going to a friends house for your safety but tell him you are at your friends. I think checking into a hotel might make him jump to conclusions if he's already being a bit erratic.

I hope everything is okay. Can you call his GP or anyone like that as he may become a danger to himself too. (Haven't seen other thread on my way there now).

Annarose2014 · 17/10/2014 14:46

You are 35 weeks pregnant. Your duty is to your child first and foremost. You are a mother.

You have to leave, right now.

gamerchick · 17/10/2014 14:51

Leave your priority is your safety

Do you have somewhere you can go?

Original poster
thepoorlobsters · 17/10/2014 14:54

The hardest thing to deal with in this is that he is utterly convinced (and not in a manipulative way) that I am the one who is mad and is torturing him and is set on destroying him. Utterly convinced. He feels that all we have to do is sort out why I am set on destroying his life, and then it'll all be fine.

My only choice feels to either just leave him completely and let him self destruct, or pretend that I accept it is all my fault and I am actually the mad one.

Is this common with bipolar?

OP posts:
Original poster
thepoorlobsters · 17/10/2014 14:55

If he won't let me leave the house, what do I have the right to do? Call the police?

OP posts:
JaceyBee · 17/10/2014 14:59

I didn't read your other thread but you cannot deal with this alone, he is having a psychotic episode and needs professional care asap. Have you called his CPN? Or his GP if he doesn't have one assigned?

Like the pp's have said you need to prioritise your own safety so I would leave the house but tell his family/friends what is going on (if they are amenable, sorry haven't read previous thread).

lumpyparcel · 17/10/2014 15:05

If you can't leave the house get someone else round asap. If you feel scared or threatened ring the police.

I am worried for you both as bipolar is very serious and in times like this someone could very easily get hurt. It is very important to get help in the next hour!

pnutter · 17/10/2014 15:16

Leave. .I'm bipolar..i get that way sometimes in crisis. Get away and call gp x

pnutter · 17/10/2014 15:18

If you can't get out..call a friend or family to come right away to get you
ringing the police is also a good idea.
I'm sorry you are in this situation
your dh doesn't hate you, he is ill.

comedancing · 17/10/2014 15:20

Does he have a brother or very good friend you could call. he needs to be brought to a hospital. Completely ignore everything he says. He will not remember one word of this. Try and let it go over your head. Get someone to your house. Do not say ..i cant let people know or anything like that. He needs to be in hospital. Tell his family you want them there right now even if it means leaving work whatever. If he doesnt want to go to hospital you may need to force it ...let his family do that not you as he will hold it against you later, I have experience of this in my family and thats what happened. brothers came and brought him to hospital. Its for his own good as he needs to be protected from himself.

InfinitySeven · 17/10/2014 15:24

Yes. He's in crisis. He will need expert help, you can't do anything. If you go along with it, it'll get worse and worse. Soon it won't be you trying to ruin his life, it'll be the baby, or the dog, or the wall.

If you can't leave, call the police. You need to protect yourself first.

Then his CPN. There will be crisis line numbers for your area online if you don't know them. They'll assess him, and be able to help.

My mum used to get like this a lot. She'd get very violent afterwards, which is why it's so important that you leave. I've got a few knife wounds from where I didn't learn... Her CPN would come round and give her something to calm her down, and then we'd come up with a treatment plan to end the crisis.

Adarajames · 17/10/2014 17:13

Leave, get yourself and baby safe, then call his crisis team / GP / family to get him sectioned, if they can't it won't help, call the police. And you certainly have the right to call the police if he comes back before you've left and won't let you leave alth it's better if you can be gone, as police on scene can exacerbate things.

cestlavielife · 17/10/2014 17:15

leave to some place you feel safe with people you feel safe with.
call the crisis line and call police.

he needs help. you cannot assess or treat him.

cestlavielife · 17/10/2014 17:18

and yes his behaviour is "normal" for a severe MH episode ie get out and get him help - police can get him to hospital safely or call ambulance/paramedics

cestlavielife · 17/10/2014 17:21

and make plans for where you can be safe or he can be elsewhere until after baby is born - new situation could throw him.
can family take care of him?
can family take care of you and baby so he visits when another adult is around? until he is properly under the right medication etc?

cestlavielife · 17/10/2014 17:24

oh and tell ;police he has mentioned "He is basically saying that my disagreeing with him is going to kill him. " as that could be veiled suicide ideation - take it seriously. emphasise it.

[the only thing I regret when ex had severe crisis was not involving police/medics ie calling 999 earlier. you u are even more vulnerable as heavily pregnant. you are not in a position to treat him. you have to look after yourself and baby

wallaby73 · 17/10/2014 18:13

OP are you safe?

MushroomSoup · 17/10/2014 19:04

OP, where are you now?

Original poster
thepoorlobsters · 17/10/2014 19:13

So DH returned and basically had a nervous breakdown. Crying uncontrollably and locking himself in our bedroom. I called his best friend and the GP (I donnt have experience of who his CPN team are.) They sent came someone round who has talked to him and to me and has given him medication. He is now sitting in front of the TV in complete silence looking exhausted.

I am exhausted.

OP posts:
RaisingMen · 17/10/2014 19:13

Are you ok OP?

RaisingMen · 17/10/2014 19:13

Are you ok OP?

Original poster
thepoorlobsters · 17/10/2014 19:13

I don't know what the future holds

OP posts:
Original poster
thepoorlobsters · 17/10/2014 19:15

The person (MH person) is coming back in one hour to see how he is.

OP posts:
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