Becoming Happy?

[HermioneSnape02]

How do people regain their life back after children?

I have been a SAHM for over 18 years, my youngest is 7.

I have lost my identity.

I am getting old.

I constantly pester my DH for reassurance.

I don't like him going out as I'm worried about him meeting a slimmer and younger woman, he is very social and likes a laugh, can chat to anyone, whereas I am an introvert.

I have made some friends at the school over the years, but have kept my distance on purpose as I'm not the chummy, going for lunches and nights out type of person, and have seen many a petty argument break up a school friendship. I didn't do petty playground arguments at school, I'm certainly not starting them now.

I am reasonably intelligent, have kept up with studies over the years, we now run our own business from home, so I have a part time job, as such as I deal with the accounts, VAT and paperwork, telephones calls, etc.

BUT .... I'm still bored, lonely, fed up.

We did everything together, I mean everything, but since he started his own business he is slowly moving away from me, he works long, long hours, he's on the phone when he's home, with homework, dinner, chatting to the DC, the evenings over and we start another day of me being on my own. He's constantly mentioning evening "do's", he would like to go to, but he says it looking sideways at me as he knows I will make a fuss.

I am fighting all the time for a small amount of time from him for myself and the DC.

I asked my DH last night what I could do to improve my happiness and dependency on him, he said - "get a life"

Sums it up really, he thinks I don't have a life and am wasting away in the house, I only go out for the school runs and once a week to my mums, the other days I am in the house.

I'm not sure why I'm posting but its good to get it out

Introversion isn't necessarily a bad thing but the lack of confidence and social skills means that your 'world' has become a smaller and smaller place with fewer and fewer people in it. You work from home, don't socialise with other people on the basis that they will be nasty to you, and therefore you are isolating yourself unnecessarily. It is unfair on a partner to place them in the position of being your sole companion. It's definitely unfair to saddle them with self-imposed insecurities like being suspicious that they'll meet nicer-looking women. It's also not a good example for children to equate 'mother' with 'woman who has no interests and stays home all day'.

I'm afraid I agree with your DH. Even if it makes you uncomfortable at first I think you have to take a few risks and broaden your scope. You may not be chummy or like going on nights out but, if you don't have any interests other than work and home, then you can't carve out space for yourself quite so easily. Pre children what kinds of things were you interested in? Hobbies? Skills? How about getting a different job where you meet new people, go somewhere fresh, and let DH hire someone else to do his paperwork?

Having a life does not necessarily mean chumminess (which you seem to look down upon...), nights out, and playground fights. As an introvert, you probably prefer one-on-one quality time rather than group socialising. So go for that: develop friendships and joint activities with a small handful of individuals you respect and would like to get to know more, or would like to spend more time with.

People are nice. Get to know one or two of them. Doesn't have to be in a horde or clique if that's not what suits you.

Also, doing and learning new things outside the home is great for self-confidence and happiness - look into any hobbies you can find in your vicinity that hold even a small appeal for you; it can quickly open up a whole new world to you.

Well what do you want? Hobbies, friends to follow up? What do you enjoy, find satisfying? Office-based job to meet new people? Dh is his own person and you cant expect him to create your life, that's too much of a burden for anyone. As for happiness? Pah. It's fleeting imho. Some kind of general contentment some of the time is best we can hope for or should expect. Ironically, i find this thought very comforting!

Your husband is right. You need a life outside the home. I'm an extrovert, myself, so the way I did things may not work for you. But I really recommend that you find something to do that is solely yours.

Things I have done that worked for me include taking up running, going hill walking (alone and with Rambler's groups) learning to knit and joining a knitting group, and going to music festivals. I know those things may not work for you, but it would be good for you to find something you would enjoy and going and doing them.

And when you find something, make sure you get to do it. Your husband may be saying he wants you to get a life but he may get a shock when he realises that means staying at home with the kids while you're out.

Once you've done that, try finding something that he might like to do with you, assuming you can find some sort of babysitter on occasion.

Cogito - I don't have much confidence, even with the mums at school I'm the listener, not the chatter, I make a few comments and seem to be the one that people off load on with their problems, but I don't chat as such as I have nothing to chat about, my mind is usually very blank in social situations.

My DH has asked me 4 times this year to accompany him to various engagements, but I have refused. For one they won't be expecting me, the short, dumpy old person as "his" wife, I won't be what they are thinking he would be with, and another I have absolutely nothing to contribute to conversation and would find the whole thing so nerve racking it would be pointless to go - I would only show DH up.

As to things I did before having a family, I was 18 and had my first DD at 19, so its all I've ever done.

Goats - I know people are nice, the friends I have made are nice, but we don't have much in common, they have gone on to have more children and have small babies, my DS7 is my youngest. They go out to pubs and clubs at the weekend, That would be my worst nightmare.

The dogs - I like walking the dog, but again its a solitary pursuit, I like reading, again solitary, although I have had a look at my local library for a book club, alas there isn't one. I love my children, they are my world, that's about it, I hate watching tv, or films, I don't know what's going on in soaps, nor have I ever watched x-factor or the like, so again this sets me apart from the friends at the school, as these are a topic of conversation.

Fabulassie- I know I need a life and not to be so dependent on DH, but its hard. I also thought it was very harsh of him, but obviously I'm in the minority? My DH would love nothing better than me out and about in the week and so forth, as he would use this as an opportunity for himself to be out and about more, it would be - "well you're out and about, so this and that night, I will be out and about". I don't want that, he needs to be here more as it is.

I understand your concern however i am slim and young and i have exactly same feelings of insecurity. Its taken me a long time to trust my dh despite him not having any reason to cheat. Insecurity is such a big emotion to deal with esp when he works with bold attractive women who know who they r. I think as sahm all we can do is provide a happy home life in the hope our dhs will see it as the place they want to be. But i guess i am a tad old fashioned saying that. Do you go out much or go to gym that may help?...

Saying 'I don't have much confidence' sounds like a big understatement. I think, when a psychological quirk has become so big that it is interfering with your ability to lead a normal life, you need to seek outside help to resolve it. If you were happy in your isolation - no biggie. As you are so unhappy, it's a problem. Refusing to go to various engagements on the basis that you are - in your own terms - ugly and boring says to me that you've reached that point.

Please consider talking to your GP

I agree with Cogito that you sound as if you are actually in need of visiting your GP.

Everybody is insecure about some things (except people with personality disorders like narcissism) but you are crippled by yours.

OK, I want to say something about this:

"Cogito - I don't have much confidence, even with the mums at school I'm the listener, not the chatter, I make a few comments and seem to be the one that people off load on with their problems, but I don't chat as such as I have nothing to chat about, my mind is usually very blank in social situations.
My DH has asked me 4 times this year to accompany him to various engagements, but I have refused. For one they won't be expecting me, the short, dumpy old person as "his" wife, I won't be what they are thinking he would be with, and another I have absolutely nothing to contribute to conversation and would find the whole thing so nerve racking it would be pointless to go - I would only show DH up."

People like listeners! They don't always want to be dazzled by the wit of others. Did you know that the way to appear funny is to laugh at other people's jokes, and the way to be fascinating is to show interest in what other people have to say?

Nobody EVER has said "Oh, she was so dull. She just sat there and listened to me and smiled." However, many people will say things like "Oh, what an arrogant blow-hard. He never shuts up and thinks he knows it all."

You are so self-obsessed and worried about being supposedly dull or boring but the fact is that other people are also a bit self-obsessed and what they crave most of all is to be recognised and appreciated. You can do that just by listening and forgetting about yourself for a time.

Please practise trying to have less viciously destructive thoughts about yourself- how does it sound if you substitute your child/friend/family member for you re "short and dumpy"? Its a horrible thing to say about anyone! And dh DID choose you for, I am sure, lots of reasons. Agree with others, it would really help you to build your confidence by getting out of the house to do sonething you enjoy. Gps vary- some rush to hand over antidepressants as a quick fix, imho. Might be worth investing in decent therapy if you can. Have you looked at mindfulness at all also?

It sounds to me like this is a bit more than being an introvert, it is almost like a kind of agoraphobia (not wanting to go out or be around people at all).

You can still have a life as an introvert. Can you volunteer at the local library? That won't mean much socialising but it gets you out of the house and interested in something. Or see if elderly people in your area need someone to walk their dogs?

Don't try to be someone you're not, you don't have to be some really gregarious sparkling person. But you deserve to be happy and to feel less insecure. It's not about going out and being super social, just getting outside your four walls and gaining some perspective on things. You have lovely children, a husband, enough money that you don't have to work long hours doing something you hate.... getting out more really helps you look at things differently.

I feel pretty similar and am slim and youngish, I look even younger and that adds more to feeling socially outcast because the mums at school and around the area are mostly older than average. Being a SAHM, four years so far, has led to loss of identity and self esteem, it's also easy to become isolated. I don't have any easy answers or I wouldn't feel the same, minus the insecurity in the relationship. I have had it identified that these feelings are classified as social anxiety and this is recognised and treated if you can access help via the GP. I think the superficial issues like feeling dumpy or me feeling like I look too young, are the symptoms of deeper issues around not fitting in, and low self worth. Aside from counselling I see working outside of the home as a big step, having a sense of identity and an outlet, hobbies too and these will give you more to talk about and people to talk to about what you are doing rather than random crap - I hate small talk and avoid it which is another reason I struggle.

I do think your DH was harsh, my DH wouldn't say it like that but he would support me to take up new things. Have a look at what adult education courses are available via the council or college, I was tempted to do flower arranging just for the hell of it, getting out of the house and learning a new skill without it mattering whether I made friends. I'm also looking at volunteering, if you are a good listener there are lots of charities who need people to do that. Have a look on the do it website or look for local charities you'd be interested in supporting. People are interesting because of the things they have experienced and things they have learnt. I remember being shocked when a new friend was interested in what I did at work and my degree and even my experience coping with pain. It is hard to find people who you do have enough common ground to be proper friends but they are it there.

My DCs are teenagers now, but when they were younger i used to be very much like you. I'd hated collecting them from school as I'd see the confident types chatting to each other and felt dull and excluded. I labelled myself as 'shy', 'unsociable', 'boring'.

Some things that helped me:

• I spruced myself up - lost some weight; took up exercise; started to wear a little make up; brighter clothes; and got a flattering hair style.
• When I walked down the road I'd say 'hello' to people. Most smile and say 'hello' back. Ifyou have adog with you, all the better.
• I joined things - an animal welfare charity; learned to dance (jive; salsa - most people go alone and its easy to talk to people because dancing is the main subject); 40 plus Ramblers; choir.
• Went to uni and did further qualifications on a part time basis.

You'll be a far more interesting person if you are actually doing something - you'll have things to talk to your husband and others about.

I used to be very much like you, OP - introverted, quiet, shy, hated socialising, wouldn't talk to strangers. I often found that I was never as lonely as when I was in a room full of people . About 18 months ago I had counselling for stress and anxiety. During the sessions this all came out and my counsellor said I suffered from social anxiety, which is very common. We did some work on it and it helped no end, so I'd definitely recommend approaching your GP for help with your social anxiety and lack of confidence. Be prepared for a waiting list, but it's worth it.

Since having counselling I've gone out more socially (and enjoyed it!), become more assertive, started dating, chatted to strangers, gone on courses and workshops alone, and gained more self confidence. The biggest thing for me is I started running earlier this year and this summer I joined a running club, making new friends in the process. I'm the happiest, healthiest and fittest I've ever been. You absolutely have the ability to change and make your life a happier place to live, but I'd recommend your GP as a first port of call. Good luck.

Thanks for all your support.

I have visited the GP, as suggested and it was a complete waste of time. He basically stated what I already knew.

Get out and about, socialise, join a club, volunteer.

I am not agoraphobic, I enjoy going out with my family for meals, shopping, visiting relatives, etc. BUT I am on my own most of the day so am extremely bored.

I have tried 4 different charities for volunteering, all wanted me to commit to flexi hours, which because of the school times I cannot do.

I have tried to join in on discussions when in the playground, mostly it went fine, but a couple of times my comments went unheard and I felt a bit stupid tbh.

I may look at some courses local to me, but have done these in the past and once the course is over I'm back to square one really and there's nothing that stands out that I would like to do.

I'm going to ask a couple of the mums I have been friends with for nearly 10 years if they want to come to mine for a coffee in the holiday or meet up at the local soft play area, hopefully they aren't working all week, as most of the friends I have made at the school all work.

Thanks again for all your helpful comments.

You say you want more of your DH. Just pluck up the courage and go out with him on one of these "dos". It must be really upsetting for him to be constantly rejected.

How old are you by the way?

Your GP sounds crap. Go back for a second opinion or find someone else - psychotherapy or counselling or something.

ipaddy I'm 38, I have a DD18, DD14, DS12 & DS7

I will have to think about going out with DH to a work "do", just don't want to at the moment, it seems like I'm putting things off, maybe after going for the first time it won't be so bad.

I do feel for DH, but at the same time, I will ruin the night for him, feeling uncomfortable and show him up, if I'm sat there all night not interacting, its best if I stay away.

I have so much sympathy for you OP. I recognise the feeling that all the suggestions are well meaning but ultimately you end back at square 1, after making some feeble attempts. I have similar problems to you and can completely relate to everything you are saying.

I think the source of the problem is a lack of inner confidence. Our confidence used to come from being useful and active with our children, and as that drains away,there is nothing significant and meaningful enough to fill its place. I don't have any answers, unfortunately, but here are a couple of thoughts-

Exercise and being outside are wonderful ways to lift our spirits. You have a dog, and people love walking dogs together, so put some effort into finding someone to walk with (or a few different people). I think it is an easy and unthreatening way to be together with another person who may turn into a friend.

You mention being dumpy and unfit, and that is something you could work on and it would make you feel so much better.

Have you thought of volunteering with Homestart? This is designed to fit the schedule of parents with school pickups, a good way to meet people in the extensive 10 week training sessions, a wonderful useful thing to do, a great way to use your experience and share your enjoyment of being a mum. At least look at their website and read a little about it, if you are at all interested.

You like reading; is there an Oxfam bookshop near you? You could offer them just a morning slot, meet lots of people, get to mess around with books, and your business skills might be invaluable.

Agree that either your GP isn't much cop or you didn't explain as fully as you have here quite how crippling your pessimism, isolation lack of confidence has become.

Yes, you are putting things off - fuelled by assuming the worst :) but perhaps a work occasion is too daunting as a first step? How about you do something a little smaller scale such as going out for supper with another couple or inviting friends or work colleagues to your home?

Oh my god but you are YOUNG! You probably have more than half your life left ahead of you. And your children are growing up and growing away, as children do.

Are you really going to spend the next 40 years feeling like this? You've had some great advice on this thread, read it back, please!

I bet you look lovely, I bet you're not fat. I bet there are loads of people out there who would love to spend time in your company if only you'd let them.

Seriously, if you need a boost,get your hair done, get a make up consultation, book a session with a personal shopper.

Throw a dinner party, invite your DH's colleagues over and get to know them from the security of your own home. If it all gets a bit much you can escape to the kitchen.

I have had a walk around the park with dog, I said morning to a couple of people as well!

I have asked one of my friends round for coffee in the holiday and she said she'd love to come, she's always wanted to have a look at my house?!
She gave me her phone number and I said I'd ring Monday to arrange a day and time. Its quite exciting actually.

Ipaddy You've hit the nail on the head, I don't want to be feeling like this for the next 40 years, but I think I have lost myself somewhere along the way, I feel I'm not contributing as much as before, I have nothing interesting to talk about, etc. I feel quite old and not as much use as I was before.

Cogito I've never even thought about a dinner party, or even know what to do, I'm quite common really :) Its a thought though, maybe start with just a couple of people, thank you I'll look into that.

clara Thank you for the empathy, yes my confidence did come from being a mum, and having lots to do came with the territory Now as the DC get older and have their own lives, I feel more and more redundant, and can go 8 hours without speaking to anyone, we then have dinner and they are all are off to their rooms or out, (older ones), and even my 7 year old DS is fiercely independent and prefers his own company going up to his room to read, watch a film or play with his toys, so I'm back on my own again.

A dinner party can be a simple as making a big pot of Chilli Con Carne and opening a few bottles of something convivial. It's the company that's important rather than the award-winning cuisine or table decorations.

I think a running club is a great place to start.

It will really get your energy up. Just a gentle pace and as you regain your figure your confidence will soar.

I think on all of this you need to be the person you would like to spend the rest of your life with.

You cant change your husband only yourself. Believe me it works.

It sounds like the pair of you are in the doldrums so start making the changes

TODAY!

Hermione you've been given some brilliant advice on here...I've read it with much interest as I'm in a similar position save I'm now separated and rather older than you.

I know that the only way to get a life is to do it myself. I say hi to every dog walker I pass, sometimes starting up a conversation. I go to the gym once a week. I sometimes see a friend during the day (don't have many and they all work now). I am compiling a CV. I've thought about volunteering but really need a job.

You already have qualifications in order to go out and get a job through helping your DH. You could also try adult education courses which fit around school hours in the day time - or evening classes.

You should definitely go out with DH - get a nice hair-do before...works wonders

And a dinner party sounds wonderful - simple with lots of booze!

I see that you tried volunteering but they wanted hours that you couldn't promise: have you considered one of the youth organisation? Your DS is 7, so why not look at Cubs?
I was a single Mum who knew no-one at all locally: picked up from nursery/childminder in a rush, flew home, worked into the evenings. I had no interaction except my work (and no opportunty to extend those friendships outwith the workplace) and was, like you, isolated. I have girls so volunteered for GirlGuiding: I now have a passing acquaintance with half the families in town and really close friendships with half a dozen of them. I think that Scouting may be a perfect way to broaden your horizon and meet some like-minded parents at the same time, without having to give more of yourself than you woudl like until youa re sure.