Becoming Happy?

[HermioneSnape02]

How do people regain their life back after children?

I have been a SAHM for over 18 years, my youngest is 7.

I have lost my identity.

I am getting old.

I constantly pester my DH for reassurance.

I don't like him going out as I'm worried about him meeting a slimmer and younger woman, he is very social and likes a laugh, can chat to anyone, whereas I am an introvert.

I have made some friends at the school over the years, but have kept my distance on purpose as I'm not the chummy, going for lunches and nights out type of person, and have seen many a petty argument break up a school friendship. I didn't do petty playground arguments at school, I'm certainly not starting them now.

I am reasonably intelligent, have kept up with studies over the years, we now run our own business from home, so I have a part time job, as such as I deal with the accounts, VAT and paperwork, telephones calls, etc.

BUT .... I'm still bored, lonely, fed up.

We did everything together, I mean everything, but since he started his own business he is slowly moving away from me, he works long, long hours, he's on the phone when he's home, with homework, dinner, chatting to the DC, the evenings over and we start another day of me being on my own. He's constantly mentioning evening "do's", he would like to go to, but he says it looking sideways at me as he knows I will make a fuss.

I am fighting all the time for a small amount of time from him for myself and the DC.

I asked my DH last night what I could do to improve my happiness and dependency on him, he said - "get a life"

Sums it up really, he thinks I don't have a life and am wasting away in the house, I only go out for the school runs and once a week to my mums, the other days I am in the house.

I'm not sure why I'm posting but its good to get it out

I know I say this a lot on here but volunteerism with CAB was the making of me!
I could do hours to suit me and school times, have got loads of free qualifications out of it and am now going to apply for a paid position there too!
They also have a fab social aspect too, theatre visits, lunch club, walking group, quiz nights etc

I think that you need to revisit the GP and stress that your life is on hold due to your fears and anxiety causing you to become reclusive and isolated. This isn't as simple as finding things to do - for you it's more a case of not wanting to do things due to social anxiety. I can see it because I was just like you (see my PP). His response was trite but as a PP said, perhaps you minimised the effect it has on your life when talking to him?

I feel that you'd benefit greatly from counselling - CBT will arm you with coping strategies for everyday life. If your GP is crap and won't refer you, could you afford to pay for it? I only needed 10 or 11 sessions. It might be the best investment you'll ever make.

In the meantime I'd suggest talking to your husband to explain how you feel. Not going out with him isn't a rejection of him as such, it's more a rejection of social situations, and that you're looking for solutions. Does he know you approached the GP?

It sounds as though you have 'avoided' social situations/interacting for so long that it's become a feared situation for you. This leads us to make negative predictions about how it would be if we went to that 'do' for example and make assumptions that people will see us as dull, boring etc and completely believe this to be the case (even though there is absolutely no evidence to suggest it is) then of course we will continue to avoid such situations.

To me your presentation indicates social anxiety along with a very low self esteem. If you would really like to address it then you could see your GP and ask to be referred to the Wellbeing service in your area where you hopefully will be offered some CBT which works well in treating these issues. Some places you can self refer to the service so have a look online.

My DH is aware of how I feel to a certain degree. I do have low self esteem, this I am aware of. But doing something about it seems insurmountable arm.

I haven't considered volunteering outside the realms of local shops but I will have a look into other aspects.

I don't really want to be going to the gym or running in not sporty at all although I wouldn't mind a dance class. So again I'll have a look into that too.

Thanks everyone I have a lot to ponder on.

I know I am repeating myself but do have a look at Homestart. I am doing it and it is brilliant. Good luck