DH is quite convinced that expressing anger in the way he does is normal and that I am an anomaly. He never, ever puts his feelings or needs to one side for my sake. For example, he always goes on and on about how tired he is and while he may occasionally acknowledge that I may be tired too, I can count on one hand over the last 3 years the times when he has given our now-toddler breakfast. This includes when I have been feeding a newborn throughout the night. I have fallen into the classic trap of finding it easier to cope with being tired than dealing with the miserableness that will ensue if he were to get up.
However, what I really find very difficult is that what he is feeling will determine the atmosphere of the household. I don't suggest he should;t feel as he does, but I do think he needs to be able to manage it so that it doesn't always take over. There are times when he will walk into a room in a perfectly reasonable mood, and then emerge pissed off and angry. Something will have triggered it.
I feel like I'm scurrying around to cover up what may be going on sometimes. Not sure where to go, not sure what to say, all of a dither. Chatting animatedly to my little ones to cover up the sullen silence. Because what's the alternative? I hate it.
I don't for a moment think that he hasn't had things hard and that he doesn't feel legitimately stressed over having financial responsibility for a family. I do, however, believe that we can choose how we deal with our stresses and emotional struggles.
You are right in that I feel like a whipping boy, an emotional punch bag at times.
My big concern, I think, is not so much that my children will copy things like throwing (DH is, interestingly, very keen that they don;t see him like that), but that they will pick up on my anxiety. Instead of being this strong female role model in their lives, I am pathetic. I can't bear the implications of that. It makes me want to cry and it is, I guess, the reason why I'm now starting to think seriously about what on earth to do.
You are, of course, correct. Stand up to it, or bugger off and leave it behind.
I don;t know why the idea of going worries me so much. I worry about the children not seeing their father, but mostly I think I worry about DH. I think it will be devastating for him.
In response to whether he is like this around other people .... interestingly, he always has fall-outs at work, and it is always the other person's fault.
Also, re: depression. I'm not completely convinced that he does suffer from this although I do accept he may feel overwhelmed sometimes. Please don;t think this is me dismissing this out of hand. I am very aware of depression and its devastating impact on individuals. I just don't think that DH has depression. I could, of course, be wrong.
Apologies for the length.