Emotional blackmail? Or what?

[imaluckylady]

My DH will almost always justify his behavior by saying that I clearly don't have the first clue what he's going through or I wouldn't say what I've said/object as I have.
For example, if he is stressed because of work (which is a lot - in fact, it feels like a good proportion of our relationship), he will storm about, snap at any suggestion I may make to try and support, tell me he's "struggling, feels on the edge of a breakdown". If I object to any of his behavior, he will say I have no idea what he's dealing with or I wouldn't say that.
Or, he will justify being cross/angry by saying that he has terrible parents and suffered as a child (true) and that I don't have any idea how that feels.
He gets pissed off that I am anxious around him during an episode, but if I object to any of it, then he brings up work stress/financial responsibility, upbringing and says I am demonstrating that I have no idea about what he is dealing with.

Is this emotional blackmail? I never know how to respond, even when I feel sure I am right. Because he is correct in that I do have lovely parents (despite a difficult divorce situation) and I'm not current;y working but looking after toddler and baby.

I'm not confrontational and quick to anger, and I don't think it's ok to be demonstrably angry as often as he is. (Nor do I think it's ok to throw things, etc). It makes me anxious and feel like I'm walking on eggshells. DH says that I'm in a minority here.

DH tends to get his own way.

Breakfast time so must go.

Good luck to you too. It's a crap way to live and it must impact negatively on children however much we try to overcompensate.
I've decided that it must be different in a year's time which means taking the first steps now. Whatever the fallout, it will surely mean I will regain a sense of self.
It is so easy to say. I do need to get a grip and follow through. I can't believe I've let it carry on and on and on and on, but I have.

Not read whole thread but it sounds like 'gaslighting' to me. Definitely not on.

I have had somewhat of a similar experience when my husband was depressed, his criticism became tiring and he was generally snappy and not very nice. In the end I gave him an ultimatum, be nicer, seek help or I get out. I can't live being treated like that and I really don't think you should to. He did change for the better, he has tried much harder as have I to moderate our tempers and our criticisms- it does still arise at times but I have a basis on which to say 'you are being horrible, stop it'. I do not tread on eggshells and feel fully able to call him on it although I do wish of course at times that he were just plain less grumpy and stressed.

You sound like a lovely person- but your husband is treating you very badly, he's basically saying he can be as nasty as he likes as critical as he likes and you have to put up and shut up. I do agree with others that you are the casualty of his bad upbringing, but unfortunately being a lovely person you are not breaking the cycle at present, just providing a convenient whipping boy for his nasty emotions. I am also worried you are now at the stage of managing the behaviour and emotions of your children to minimise the chance of him kicking off- but as teenagers and older children, this won't be possible, they will answer back, be horrible themselves or even worse, passively submit to it.

Things absolutely have to change, I don't know how you go about this, but I think if it is bad enough your family also see he's essentially emotionally abusive, then getting out is the right thing to do you for you and them. He can always change and win you back- by going to counselling, by getting help for stress or just by resolving not to take his shit out on you. I would be seeking concrete legal advice, just to understand where you stand, talking with family and talking with him- he may well be very surprised by this and willing to change (if he's not then you know you have another 30/40 years of this then).

Thanks Hair.

I'm possibly in denial, but I think I'm not yet managing the behavior and emotions of the children. Having said that, it IS a real possibility that I might and I guess I have taken steps in that direction by always leaving the room with the baby to try to prevent DH's sleep being disturbed because he will go on and on about it and lament his lot, etc. Indeed, he talks of his disturbed sleep despite the fact that I take the baby away to feed it and always have done. So yes, perhaps this is the first step in trying to make the children less of a "nuisance"and I think you are right that I need to tread very carefully.

It doesn't quite sit right with me though to investigate legalities of divorce at this point. I haven't given him a chance to demonstrate that he can be any different because I keep caving in and while I recognize that this is due in a large part to some pretty expert conditioning on his part, I do need to try and stand my ground. If I find I can't, or if he carries on as he is, then I will have to go.

Hi OP,

This sounds pretty horrible at the moment for you. Sorry you are going through it. Your story rang a bell with me when you said that on the outside you present as a strong, capable person, when behind closed doors you feel you are being passive and weak. You feel passive and weak because he is subjecting you to a campaign of abuse. This is not a slight irritation. It is a huge thing and it is with you 24/7. Abuse - Emotional Abuse - makes you feel confused, unsure of yourself and generally scared of putting a foot wrong. It is not your fault and I very much doubt that the situation is caused by you 'caving in'. He is causing the situation by trying to control you by fear. This is what bullies do.

So this is Abuse, which means recognising that you, yes you, are in an abusive relationship. It is hard to know how to deal with it or make it right because essentially it is not a situation of your making! He is doing it. It doesn't matter why - although you are agonising over the whys and wherefores endlessly as if that might help with a solution. This is what it makes you do. He blames you for everything that goes wrong in his dissatisfied little life - and you can be forgiven for thinking that you are then responsible for making your relationship work. But it is in fact impossible for one person to make a relationship work, if the other person is actively sabotaging it all the time. I am sure you actually have 'given him the chance to demonstrate that he can be any different'. What if he doesn't WANT to be any different? I'm sure you have protested and flagged up and disagreed with him on several occaisions, but he has shouted you down and made you feel afraid of voicing your opinions.

Walking on eggshells around someone, feeling anxious about the next thing that is bound to go wrong, treading carefully - all these are symptoms of your fear. Bullies don't rule by team-work or consensus or persuasion -he wants you to do what he wants by scaring you and grinding you down so you're so exhausted you don't pipe up. He wants control and he doesn't see why he should have to consider what you think.

This is all shocking stuff, and I can see why you are not wanting to see a lawyer at this stage. The most shocking thing is when the real picture starts to emerge. The conversation in my head went like this:

'Oh, so I am in an abusive relationship am I?'
Yes, your DH, the person that is supposed to love you most in the world is abusive and vicious and bullies you. Your family and those that really love you hate seeing you treated this way. They have seen you change from the strong, confident person to someone who is tentative and a bit afraid.

'Surely if he only knew how unhappy this makes me, how undermined and disrespected and unloved I feel, he would change his behaviour.' No he wouldn't... he knows what he is doing. He gets what he wants out of behaving like this. God knows why terrorising someone else gives him what he wants, but if he wanted it another way he would not be behaving like this.

'His behaviour is hateful and vicious and awful. He says he loves me, but he behaves as if he hates me. How can he be like this to me? Someone he loves?'
He doesn't love you. Nobody who loves you and respects you would treat in you this way.

Oh Shit.

This is where it gets you and this is the reason it seems far, far too much to take in. This is a run-down of what I know as I have been through it with the man I thought would love me forever, the father of my children, the only man I ever wanted children with etc etc. I never thought he would ever be unkind, let alone vicious, cruel and abusive. You don't want to believe this is what it is, but there is no other conclusion. This is not love.

The next steps are yours to take. The best thing would be to find as much RL support as you can, your friends and family must be concerned for you - you said before that your mother was shocked what it was like after the birth of your second child. Don't feel guilty or ashamed in telling them. You will be surprised by the number of people who are already desperately worried about you. They will want to help. Gather all the support you can.

And then see a lawyer. Good luck OP, it's horrible, but you will be that strong person again.

Your husband does not want to be happy, does he? He will always be resentful of anyone he thinks has something better than him and it sounds like that includes you.

I wonder how healthy it can be to live with someone with that worldview even if he wasn't making your life hell?

'DH is quite convinced that expressing anger in the way he does is normal and that I am an anomaly'

Your dh is fully aware he suffered as a result of his childhood, so much so he uses it as a stick to beat you with. However he thinks that his way of expressing anger (learnt no doubt from his childhood) is the correct way! Does not make sense in the slightest.

He is lovely around friends etc, so he is fully aware that throwing things and being an arse is unacceptable. He chooses to behave around them but not around you.

I bet he tells his work colleagues about how he gets up in the night and does stuff with the baby etc etc, I work with people like this - I secretly believe they are embellishing to look good to colleagues and think their wife may tell a different tale.

Fwiw I have a 1.5 hour drive to work, Am out the house 11 hours a day, yet still wake several times a night to breastfeed. I am tired but I recognise my dh (a sahd) has it just as hard. Hey I get to eat my sandwich and go to the loo in peace he doesn't.

As cog has said,your dh says you are a bitch who doesn't understand, so be a bitch. Look after your own mental health, he is telling you by what he says and does that he has problems dealing with his life. Your mental well being is priority to ensure the kids have a good childhood. He is affecting your mental well being.