Open marriage -- any experiences?

[nrv0us]

I was curious to hear from people who have personal experience of being in an open marriage. What are your 'rules', and how is it working out?

Not sure why you want to get married if you dont want to be faithful to each other. Why not just have an open relationship?

Id think the chances of an open marriage lasting the test of time is the same as an open relationship lasting the test of time.

Isn't it just an excuse for one person to shag around and the other to try and convince themselves they are ok with it?

Why be in a relationship at all if you are going to be unfaithful?

Well, asking for an "open marriage" was basically the way in which my first wife left me in a gradual way without having to do so all in one go.

I know it can work for some people, but my experience makes me quite cynical about the concept. We had a number of rules, and made promises to each other, but in the end she simply didn't like me any more and she hadn't done at the beginning of the process.

It's an oxymoron! The very definition of 'marriage' is monogamy. Oh dear. You really think you deserve this?

Why do you ask nrv0us?

I just wondered how common this was, and whether people had had positive and rewarding experiences with it. I certainly know it can be used either as a way of breaking up gently, or as a way for one partner to go off and sleep with all and sundry while the other stays home and gets resentful. I was just curious to see if there were any more positive stories out there.

Of course there are no positive or rewarding stories!!

I'm sure someone will be along shortly with a positive and rewarding story. But context is everything. Is this happening to you nrv0us? Who is suggesting an open marriage? How long have you been married? Why are you considering it as a possibility? Why do you need to canvass opinion?

It is something my DP and I have discussed -- she brought it up and we are both curious and intrigued by the idea, although of course aware of the possible pitfalls.

And does she have a candidate already in mind perhaps?....

We've been together for 14yrs -- neither has cheated, and we've been through quite a lot together. Neither of us doubts the other's commitment to the relationship, but we also recognise the fact that we are human and attractions do arise. What if we were able to follow them a little way, rather than stifling them or pretending they didn't happen.

So she has got her eye on someone...

I'm not sure this is the best forum to ask that question - it's been posed a few times and generally gets pretty critical responses...

As you asked about personal experience I can say it seems to work for us - together 17 years, married 13. Open for about the last 7 or 8. Happy.
Setting 'rules' up front is very important - what is and is not acceptable to each of you - and being honest about it. If there is something you are uncomfortable with, let your partner know either beforehand or immediately and discuss. It takes a while to get a balance I guess that you're both OK with, and it may be that in reality it's better not to go down that route.
Do not feel pressured to any extent - as some have pointed out, it's often 1 partner pushing more for it than the other.

For those who said why get married if you want to do this - I guess it depends on whether you see sex as necessarily something you want to limit to one person, or whether it is more the emotional side that is important. Our view was that we could separate sex from love and that it would not damage the relationship - so far we've been proved right.
Having said that - like all things, it develops over time - it's been a while since anything has happened outside our marriage now and we both seem content with that (getting old?!) so it's far from the overriding ingredient in our relationship.

Also, for those of you who may think it's always the man pushing for this, ours was mutual and the reality is it's a lot easier for a married woman to find someone who will accept this outside the marriage than the reverse. My wife has certainly been more 'successful' than me...

If anyone thinks I'm a hairy handed troll, have been on here for years and not name changed.

Is it just me? Whats going on here this week, several threads on the same three themes, webcams, marital finances and open marriages.

OP there was another thread earlier today where the OP's wife has her eye on someone else, you may find some of the responses to it helpful. I don't know. It was a quite different scenario but the OP there seemed to think she wanted an open marriage.
But my best advice is that if you want to talk about open marriage there are other websites where like minded people gather. You're more likely to get "positive stories" there, than by asking mumsnet.

Of course there are some positive stories of open marriages. Anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to sell you something - ie their own view of how marriage ought to be. Not quite sure who made them the judge of the way Everything Ought To Be.

But having an open marriage is not easy. There again, being married isn't always easy either. But it being open does add an extra layer of complexity.

If it's going to work, then there has to be a lot of discussion and a lot of honesty and it's never really a license to shag around. (ok im sure someone will prove me wrong but of the ones I know, it's never been that).

The main principle of it seems to be 'don't do it unless you can both genuinely agree to it'. Beyond that there is a wide range of open marriages.

Of the main one I know, it seems to work very well. The primary couple are still very happy together. It did take one partner a while to get used to the idea but they have and it seems to work very well. And very quietly. Few know about it because there's a helluva lot of people who would either not be able to cope with the idea and secondly there's probably some people who think the two sleep around casually and would think they are up for anything. They don't and they aren't.

You're better off finding some specialist forums though. Mumsnet isn't the place to ask really.

Mr, thanks for your post.
I'm curious about something. Do you think it matters whether or not the couple has decided to go open before one of them spots someone they fancy? It seems to me that this decision is often made after one partner has started to get a seriously wandering eye for a specific person. Would that be more threatening to the relationship?

We have considered it in the past but decided it wasn't for us and the fantasy is far better than the real thing in this case, for us.

I would just like to add though, the posters stating that an open marriage is being unfaithful couldn't be further from the truth.
Having an affair is unfaithful, being honest and up front, asking permission off your partner is not being unfaithful.

Fair play to you Mr and of course Mrs Meaner.

HH - in our instance yes I think it would have been more threatening. One of our 'rules' was/is that there should be no repeating the situation with a particular person. So either a one-off, or someone you knew before but would only happen once and then be no more than a friendship at the most. Again it seems to have worked for us so far through lots of talking and being up front.
I would like to reiterate - this is not something at the centre of our lives at all. At the most once or twice a year, and it tends to be on the spur of the moment rather than planned. Both of us would stop immediately if it upset our other half.

The only 'open' marriages I've known to work are ones in which both parties were already openly poly amorous and used to the honesty, discussion, and the limits of everyone in the relationship before they were married. I know several poly couples/families, and only one of them involves a married couple. They are very very happy, have a lovely welcoming house and are very close and loving of each other - they just happen to have a calendar in the kitchen that lists when they're going to be visiting other partners! It's all very open and thoroughly discussed. Why did they marry? Well, they feel that they want to grow old and die together, but recognise the is still room for more love and intimacy in their lives :-) all partners know each other and meet and socialise, it's like a big family!

What it isn't is just meeting someone they want, and having tacit permission to sleep with them, and just not discussed with the other partner. Secrecy is the death of a healthy relationship.

I have friends who have always had an open (non-married) relationship; it works very well. I agree that it's the opposite of 'infidelity' - it's acknowledging openly that most of us fancy quite a few people, rather than enforcing an idea of monogamy that is often unworkable.

My wife and I have been together 41 years and have had an open marriage for years which both of us readily agreed to. We have several FWB each and are also swingers. We have a great sex life as well together. This week, while I am away on business in India and Switzerland she is in Amsterdam with two of her FWB. It works great for us as we are open and honest.

What is a FWB please?

I'm curious about something. Do you think it matters whether or not the couple has decided to go open before one of them spots someone they fancy?

Yes, the above scenario is simply the person wanting permission to have an affair.

Golferman I Think it's sad that you actually believe that you've got something good going on there.

Friends with sexual Benefits.