Ended relationship but doesn't feel real..

[Serenitysmooth]

I've been in a relationship of sorts for 3.5 years.. This followed me divorcing ex after 13 years together. They are complete opposites..
In new relationship I felt pressured and smothered.. He is needy and insecure but I've stuck by him. We are just too different.. Approach things differently, view situations differently..
He almost became obsessed with me, like I am his only focus. Turning up at my house extremely anxious.. He can turn nasty..
I've ended it but I feel numb and it doesn't feel real. I'm feeling lost and just don't know where to go from here.. Strangely not many people know about this 'relationship' it's almost like I've been leading a double life, although not intentionally.. What has it been about? Loneliness as a single parent? I can't be the only one who has done this?! Help! How do I move forward?

If it was a 'relationship of sorts' that you kept secret from others then I would suspect that you knew it was bad news from the outset. Loneliness does make otherwise sensible people do irrational things from time to time and maybe you didn't want it all out in the open because you didn't want others to judge? Is this 'sort of' guy married or anything like that?

When you're involved with someone who is needy, obsessional and with a tendency to be nasty then it's highly likely there was some emotional manipulation going on at the same time. Manipulation, control, abuse, bullying... all on the same continuum. That can be incredibly difficult to pull away from all by itself.

I think, to move forward, you are going to need to drop all contact in the first instance. Properly keep them out of your life. Also I think it will help to be open with someone. Take them into your confidence and give them the full story. Allow them to validate your decision. This might be a friend, Womens Aid or similar. If 'nasty' means aggressive, threatening or you feel in any kind of danger at all, do not hesitate to involve the police.

How do I move forward?

You congratulate yourself for ending something that was not right for you, and focus on being yourself again.

Do the things you love, see the people you feel comfortable with, start new hobbies in the time you have that used to be spent on this man, and of course end all contact, cold turkey.

Perhaps you get time and space now to finally accept that your life is yours alone. No-one else's. Maybe this is your first freedom as a single for a long time? Of course it will feel weird at first. I'm glad you ended it with the needy one. That was certainly not going to be good for you. Given its secrecy, it might have been a delaying/masking tactic by yourself, to avoid facing the new you? Just a thought!

Thanks for your thoughts.
Cognito, there is huge attraction and i was attracted to a bit of a bad boy image.. The opposite to my exh who is v educated with good job..
When I met new partner I was flattered he liked me as he is tall, good looking etc I wanted to be open to a new relationship.. Over time I've realised I can't really have an intelligent conversation with him and feel he is dependant on me for support through whatever drama he is going through.. Going bankrupt, his ex wife stopping contact with his son, moving numerous times and leaving jobs. I want a man. I want an equal where we can support each other. He isn't married, we were both divorced and single when we met..
He has hit me once, threatened suicide, asked me if I would consider involving police for his sake to keep him away?! Wtf?!
It's hard because although the dynamic was all wrong, he was still there. I think I've lived on standby. Kept my ds separate mostly..
You might be right as I have to face 'me'... Emotions all over so hard to keep on an even keel...

Can I add though, we have done some lovely things together.. I can enjoy spending time with him, but sometimes feel alone with him. Think boundaries and communication all mixed up. He was described by his ex wife as a closed book.. Think he finds it difficult to express himself, he gets anxious, nervous and although I'm understanding it was rubbing off and making me feel the same... I've lost me..

Have you involved the police? Did you report it when he hit you? There's an MN truism which is 'when a man tells you who he is, listen'.... and he's saying you should get the authorities to keep him away. I expect that's why his ex-wife doesn't want him involved in the life of his own child.

Please don't make this an internal problem. OK, you have to face some hard truths and it will be emotional but you have ended it, you seem resolute and - very importantly - there are people who are willing to help you if you need it.

Is he staying out of contact or are you getting messages etc?

"we have done some lovely things together"

Abusive men do not look any different to anyone else. They do not have horns, a tail or a helpful t-shirt saying 'I am seriously fucked up and will do the same to you....'

Emotionally abusive, manipulative, controlling men in particular can be very charming and plausible. It's how they lure in their victims and how they keep them on a string, always hoping that those lovely times are just around the corner. He doesn't find it difficult to express himself, it suits him to keep you on the back foot guessing. He is not anxious and nervous, but the 'poor little damaged me' sob-story is another good way to reel people in.

Yes Cognito, I did report it. His ex wife mentioned DV in their divorce. He admitted an incident but seemed genuinely sorry and said he was pushed.she was no angel either.. Still.. I didn't take it further as I didn't want it to effect future access with his son or be responsible there.
I am doing exactly what you are saying, making it an internal problem..
Thank you for saying re anxious and nervous I'm being too kind? He definately has the poor me sob storey, do think he is depressed but then feel he used me as a sounding board, but what about me? It's made me depressed and anxious!

You're the only one that matters. Keep telling yourself that this man is malevolent. And yes you are being too kind. He's not depressed, or anxious or genuinely sorry or anything else. He subjected his ex-wife to abuse and he's done the same to you. I guarantee that, to his next victim, when he tells the story of your relationship you will be painted as 'no angel' and he will portray himself as 'genuinely sorry'. It's all manipulative crap.

Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? It's scheme aimed at the survivors of domestic abuse and it may help you understand just how cynically and deliberately these people operate.

I'm glad you reported his violence against you. Yes, I agree with Cogito and have to say I under-reacted when I first read your post. I apologise. He actually has a zillion red flags flapping wildly round him, doesn't he? You've made a good escape, Serenitysmooth

Are you resolved to end all contact, and not to respond to any of his attempts at contacting you?

This is very important. Abusive, manipulative men do not let their prey get away easily. He could use any and all of the following: threats, bargaining, pleas, suicide threats, acting like it's all a big misunderstanding he can just sweep under the carpet, manipulating you into seeing him under the excuse of picking up stuff....

Don't engage with ANY of it (except any physical threats to himself or you which should be communicated to the police, but still not engaging with him).

You were in pretty deep, you're only emerging from the fog, and you're vulnerable right now to being reeled back in.

Thanks. I know there were red flags from the beginning, but I overlooked them..
Goats.. He has tried all of the above on your list, the reason I have been with him so long.. We had no contact for 5 months before. I had a weak moment. My fault. I got back into it..
However this time we agreed no contact, joint decision, agreed it doesn't work. Not heard from him since Tuesday. I know not long at all and I haven't made contact either.
Am I partly to blame for going along with it? A lot through fear of his reactions and just trying to enjoy the nice parts?

You're not to blame. Emotionally abusive people spin a very sticky web, create anxiety and dependency in their victims and that's why I said originally that a manipulative, controlling, obsessive relationship can be very difficult to prise yourself away from. Well recognised that it can take survivors of emotional abuse several tries to end it for good.

We all meet potential abusers. The Freedom Programme can help you understand how emotional abuse works, how to recognise the 'red flags' and how to get yourself out quicker should you ever have the bad luck to meet someone similar in future.

Don't blame yourself - you need all your strength. No point undermining your own self.

When you feel stronger it may be worthwhile to examine which of your beliefs led you to think this relationship was OK to stay in, and to work on changing that belief. But that is not at all the same thing as being to blame. He is responsible for his own behaviour.

If he was able to reel you in last time, he will likely try again this time, whatever it is he "agreed". Manipulators do not follow agreements that don't suit them. So be resolute.

Why do I feel I love him then? It's not rational. Perhaps it's the shared time together and me fantasising about the nice parts?
He wants to marry me, says the love has got stronger.. Is this rubbish? How can he love me yet also turn nasty? He can flip so suddenly.. Anger/ frustration? I feel guilty for letting him down. But what was I getting from relationship?

It's not love per se, it's a complex combination of obsession, obligation, optimism.... a lot of 'o's.....

Emotionally abusive people are selfish. They believe the others are unimportant, don't matter & exist to do their bidding. If they get their own way through threats, they will threaten. If they have to promise marriage, they will promise marriage. It's a well-known behaviour pattern designed to keep you on the back foot, anxious to please, ever hopeful ... 'nice/nasty' ... or as I call it 'good cop/bad cop'.

Yes it's rubbish.

People who love you will treat you with respect.

You are probably used to thinking deep down that you are undeserving of love and respect, so what you were "getting" from this relationship was a confirmation of this warped belief, and the comfort of familiarity.

ps: you are completely deserving of love and respect.

(and this man cannot provide it)

Thanks. How to ride out the conflicting emotions tho? I feel mixed up. Haven't heard from him which I know in the long run is a good thing, but I miss him, only the nice parts! I know he'll be missing me too and I worry he is ok.. I know he isn't my responsibility, but I care... Feel like I am in some kind of dream, like non of it has happened? Am I detaching? As he doesn't live close we could go without ever seeing each other again!

You're not detaching yet because you still care... sorry. :) If you look back over this relationship I think you'll find that the reason it has kept going on an on/off basis is just what you're experiencing now i.e. 'missing the nice parts' and worrying he is OK. The memory is selective, especially when you're lonely & you've nothing better to replace someone with.

It's good that you haven't heard from him but it's only a matter of time before the text messages start and, because you're at a loose end, you pick up the phone.... and so on and so on. So, right now, this is not much different to what's gone before.

Please make a big effort to stay busy, find things to do and people to be with. Stay out of contact when it happens

Thanks Cognito, you are absolutely right. I am staying busy but feel I need talking through these lulls.. I'm hoping mn can help there! Doesn't help living on my own with ds as easy for him to turn up and I have no backup...

Doesn't help living on my own with ds as easy for him to turn up and I have no backup...

You have a door to keep shut, and a phone with which to call the police if he turns up. This is a man who has hit you, threatened you, and threatened suicide. If he turns up at yours, you have every right to phone them up to remove him.

serenity
In your lulls and down times get on MN for a chat, a moan, a cry of just to laugh yourself silly at some MN classics

Worked for me when I started the whole messy part of breaking up with an abusive ex.

I think the drama etc has finished now, been through all of that. I'm not frightened of him. I hope he does stay away to let me get over it.
Neverletgojack thank you. How long have you been split now?
I'm trying to focus on me rather in than worrying about what he is up to! I'm too old for this.. Keeping busy baking cakes with ds!
Want a routine back, have been knocked..

baking cakes with your son is a brilliant use of time!