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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is going on?

44 replies

DollStar · 15/10/2014 19:45

Name changed on this but long time lurker. OK, I have met a really nice guy, he does do it for me and I thought I did it for him too! I have known him for years but only reconnected last month. Well, we have been out a few times, yes dtd, which is fine - we are adults. Every time we have been out it is on my request, which is also fine, but I did think that I should let him ask me out next time. Now this is the catch I think, he knew I had plenty of time off this week, yet he chose to go to a friends house for supper. He could have come to me but didnt. I sent him a message when he told me this saying 'have fun tonight' and just eft it at that but I feel so hurt. Should I ask him to go out again?? Or should I sit back and get on with my own life as I did before and let him see what he is missing. Im trying to be cool about it but I like him and I just feel like crying! I feel duped.

I know mumsnetters are great for advice as I cannot see the wood for the trees at the moment.

OP posts:
something2say · 15/10/2014 19:52

Never chase anyone. Equality demonstrates equality. X

WhereIsMYJonathanSmith · 15/10/2014 19:52

Well... For what it is worth, if he wanted to see you, he would have done so.

Go and have fun without him. I think it is a case of him not 'being into you'. Sorry :(

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 15/10/2014 19:54

Don't chase him. And don't be a booty call.

Suckitup · 15/10/2014 19:55

Definitely leave it now. Don't contact him at all.

Mrsgrumble · 15/10/2014 19:56

Couple of things I think - back off and le him chase you. Nothing to do with the fact you're a women but more to do with the fact how will you know if he's really into you.

Cut contact down and do your own thing. Also if he can get dtd with you without much effort in terms of dates etc, he is getting a great deal !!! Make him work a bit. Only been a few weeks anyway.

ImperialBlether · 15/10/2014 19:57

As a general rule, if you're feeling like crying when you are dating someone, he's the wrong person for you. As another rule, if you are doing all the running, he's the wrong person for you.

Call it a day (perhaps not bother to tell him and let him figure it out for himself?) Don't get into booty calls, either.

Original poster
DollStar · 15/10/2014 21:12

Oh. My. God. How have I got this so wrong?? I thought it was because he didnt take rejection well and was afraid to ask me!

What a mug I have been!!

OP posts:
FreudianGymSlip · 15/10/2014 21:20

It's just the way it is when you start dating someone you've met but have known for years. Move on is always the best thing to do OP Smile

ThankYouLordSugar · 15/10/2014 22:12

What everyone else has said. Stop chasing him.

kokomaloko · 15/10/2014 23:06

My OH is the most laid back person in the world. I used to drive myself crazy like this at the beginning. Three years on he's the most loyal, trustworthy, & attentive person I've met. He's still shite at making arrangements but those problems at the beginning were my insecurities! It depends on the personality & trust your instincts!

vodkanchocolate · 15/10/2014 23:33

Agree with others, I know its hard but dont chase. Stop contact for a while and bet he will come running

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 16/10/2014 09:59

On reading your OP I think you're overreacting a bit about him going to a friend's house for supper. Just because you're free and have no plans, doesn't mean the same automatically for him.

Agree with others saying that you should let him make the next contact. If he never does, then that's all you need to know.

Original poster
DollStar · 16/10/2014 15:07

Well, got a reply text (from mine) asking how my day is going, so I told him - didnt reply straight away though. Then he took 2 hours to reply with a generic answer and 2 kisses. I just get the feeling it's lip service now really. I want to ask him 'What's up', but Im scared too. I don't want to hear that he's not into me. Any suggestions on how to approach it?

OP posts:
whitsernam · 16/10/2014 15:17

Don't. Just wait and see what he does. That will tell you so much about what he wants and how much he cares about developing a relationship with you.

Granville72 · 16/10/2014 15:22

Some people don't reply quickly to text messages (work, life and stuff, or just plain slow) so don't read too much in to it.

But stop chasing. If he's genuinely in to you and likes you, then he will contact you.

Sit back and wait. If he doesn't contact you then you know the answer.

CheersMedea · 16/10/2014 15:23

I want to ask him 'What's up', but Im scared too.

Never ask. Generally speaking, if you need to ask the question, you already no the answer.

Besides relationships are best left to grow - like a plant. If you keep digging it up to investigate it, (ask about its status), then it will never grow and more likely die.

Pull back a little bit and see what happens.

Original poster
DollStar · 16/10/2014 15:27

I'm at work and I just feel like crying. Thank you mumsnetters for helping, I'm not normally this pathetic around men, but I thought he was different...

I will update!

OP posts:
Stupidhead · 16/10/2014 15:31

Oh it sucks, I know. Be strong and always let them come to you.

Original poster
DollStar · 25/10/2014 04:34

So, after waiting 2 weeks and texting here and there, I asked him if he was busy this weekend - just so Im not sitting here hoping for anything, and he literally tells me hour by hour what he is doing for the whole of Saturday day and night!

So yeah, he's not that into me....and no, I didn't text back!

OP posts:
Calvaise · 25/10/2014 04:43

Well done OP.

Finding a man is like buying shoes. You have to try loads on first. And sometimes you'll buy a pair and walk around in them for a few days before you realise they don't fit properly. Always keep your receipt - you are entitled to take them back for a full refund.

Original poster
DollStar · 25/10/2014 18:04

Why am I still looking at my mobile, hoping for a message?? In some ways I hope I get one just so I can ignore it!

OP posts:
Thestandingjokeoftheyear · 25/10/2014 19:27

If he's not that into you then he's not right for you. It's simple, really. You've 'invested' so you'll be upset for a little while that your investment was not returned, but very soon you'll feel ok.
Think of it that he has now freed you up to meet someone who IS 'into you' and when that happens you'll know it! x

Original poster
DollStar · 30/10/2014 14:24

Soooo just to update you - if anyone is really interested!

Well, after me asking him if he was busy and him telling me what he was doing hour by hour from Saturday AM to Sunday PM I texted him telling him that I realise he is busy with family and children, and to 'ring' me when he had some free time to spend with me. Basically giving him a one way ticket out of this farce, for him to text me today with the words You OK?

It's just annoying me now! Whats he playing at??? I am NOT going to ask him out - surely if he wants that he would have phoned!!!!

Any one had one of these guys??? What do they want???!!

Answers on a postcard perleeese!

OP posts:
MrsCaptainReynolds · 30/10/2014 14:29

He wants to keep you onside for booty calls. That's all. So just enough contact/interest for that and nothing more.

MrsCaptainReynolds · 30/10/2014 14:31

(Men like this always seem more interested during the chase, that's why it feels like something has gone wrong)