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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Practicalities of separation from abusive H now have become another tool of abuse

26 replies

weedinthepool · 15/10/2014 18:08

I had a thread here a couple of 3 weeks back. I've left abusive H, don't know how to link sorry.

Anyhow haven't gone back but the practicalities of being separated are now being used by H to emotionally beat me with, now he can't physically get his hands on me.

Social care have done an assessment and have agreed H can have access to DC's Sat & Sun in our home, supervised by his sister & me. I agreed.

He has used that time to try win me back, promising the world, to calling me weak & getting arsey about money saying he will offer me 70/30 of the proceeds of house. He has bought a car with our savings. Now he is saying he will never agree to sell the house (I am looking for rented as it still feels like he is in control with me living in the marital home, I want my own front door). He has also tried to feel me up during this time whilst his sister is outside having a fag/on the phone.

I'm still trying to deal with the fall out of the last sexual assault (it turns out he ruptured an old birth injury), grieve for my marriage, support 3 traumatised dcs , work, and try to manage H's mood swings. I have contacted police today to discuss getting H to leave after agreed contact times, they were no help, he farts around using the dc's to stop him leaving. My family want me to divorce him but I'm 3 weeks in!!! It's too soon, I'm not ready & I'm exhausted. Anyone have any similar experience? Not helping that financially it's very tight so I don't have the resources to get solicitors etc involved.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/10/2014 18:10

I am sorry love, have seen your old threads. Why did you agree to supervise a sexual abuser's contact with the dc in your own home ? Was it not an option to insist on him seeing them in a contact centre ?

By the by, I agree with your family. Divorce him ASAP, I bet they would help you out with money to do that.

AnyFucker · 15/10/2014 18:11

I will link your old thread if you want me to.

Matildathecat · 15/10/2014 18:13

OMG, have you reported the sexual assault to the police? Surely he shouldn't be having access to the dc in your home at all. Sounds horrific for you.

Hope some wise advice comes soon but do, of course ask Women's Aid for their support.

Original poster
weedinthepool · 15/10/2014 18:15

Thanks AF that would be helpful if you could link.

I was trying to be cooperative agreeing him to come to the home. Plus I thought (stupidly) it would make him less likely to turn nasty. If I forced contact in a contact centre it would have started a war.

I guess I was / am trying to manage / appease him because he is such a risk to me. It's what I've done for years, trying to avoid inflaming him so I guess it was just me trying to survive IYSWIM?

OP posts:
starlight1234 · 15/10/2014 18:16

I can remember coming out of an abusive relationship and not been ready for divorce. It didn't take long. I will say in his case it may be better sooner than later as there are still things he needs to communicate with you other than contact.

I also supervised contact. I found it didn't work so it ended up in a contact centre.

starlight1234 · 15/10/2014 18:17

I meant to say because you initially agreed to something doesn't mean it is set in stone

Original poster
weedinthepool · 15/10/2014 18:20

The sexual assault is on file with the police (and the SARC have collected evidence) I can turn it into a report at any time but I'm genuinely scared to let them start the investigation Sad I genuinely think at that point he might try to kill me. I know that sounds dramatic.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 15/10/2014 18:39

If you're genuinely in fear that he might try to kill you if you report the sexual assault then I cannot think of a more compelling reason to not have him over the bloody threshold ever again.

"He has also tried to feel me up during this time whilst his sister is outside having a fag/on the phone."

Bloody hell! Have you had a think about what could happen if she's tied up or has to leave the house at short notice while he's there? I have and it ain't good.

It seems to me that a call to Womens Aid and contact with the children outside of the home are absolutely necessary. He's going to be a complete and utter manipulative shit no matter what you choose. I recommend getting the fuck away from him asap. Under the circs I'd be willing to go awol and sacrifice the kids' ongoing relationship with him completely.

He can threaten to put all sorts of obstacles in the way of selling the marital home but in the end that won't be his choice to make. But you need legal professionals on your side to fight your corner.

Original poster
weedinthepool · 15/10/2014 18:45

bitter I have been thinking about that. Just going into a refuge. I can work basically anywhere in my county.

The dc's schooling might suffer but it will be the chance I have to take. I've already spoken to the domestic abuse service about refuge & she says there will be a place for me if I'm willing to move. I basically did that when I left, went AWOL, but he tracked me down.

I think the appeasement/cooperation thing isn't working & this might be the best course of action.

OP posts:
LemonBreeland · 15/10/2014 18:49

It does sound like refuge is your best option. And please fully report that sexual assault.

tipsytrifle · 15/10/2014 18:57

omg weed ... Retract your agreement to let him in your home for a start. No really. Do that. PLEASE report his latest assault on you. truly, you have to go to war now! You can go into refuge too but you also need to go to war.

I agree with Bitter

Your last thread but I would recommend a search of your nn because I didn't realise how much agony you have gone through even before this point

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2194372-After-9-years-I-have-finally-got-out-but-it-all-feels-so-wrong

CurtWild · 15/10/2014 18:58

An abuser will use any 'in' to continue the abuse/try to reconcile. Said by someone who's abusive stbxh uses their time with our 3 DC in my home to do just that. He's crap with them and refuses to see them if he can't see them here.

It's a crap situation. Is there another adult you trust to be with him whilst he's with your DC so you don't have to be present?

CurtWild · 15/10/2014 19:01

Ah just saw you're considering a refuge. Ignore me! Wishing you all the best, and well done Thanks

Lweji · 15/10/2014 19:02

The practicalities should be that he has supervised access by someone you trust or at a contact centre. Not yourself.
You register the violence and apply for a no contact order (anything legal that gives him a jail sentence if he approaches you or contacts you) - speak to NCDV.
And you do divorce him now. Why not? Do you at any point want to stay married to him?
Get as much support for the abuse and you could get legal aid for the divorce. NCDV can still help protect you for free.

A refuge is excellent, as you will get proper help and will be harder to track. Children can recover from missed schooling, but less so from an abused mother.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 15/10/2014 19:07

I have a feeling that if the OP declines to be present for his visits then he'll probably drop wanting to see his children. That is not the purpose of coming into the home, it's so he can keep an eye on her. And feel her up when the opportunity arises. If she's not there he will likely pry into her things to check whether she's seeing someone else. A man like him cannot accept that his victim is autonomous and needs him out of her life unless she's got someone else she wants to be with.

I'd be accepting a place in a refuge like a shot. And reporting the sexual assault while I'm at it. He deserves to be on the sex offenders register at the very least. Preferably in a prison serving a nice, long sentence beforehand.

AnyFucker · 15/10/2014 19:22

OP, appeasement is never going to work. You were told all this on your last thread, love (said kindly)

You have been appeasing him for years and look where it got you

Please stop now

if you have been offered a refuge place, I say accept it, based on what you have said in your last couple of posts

you are in fear of your life if youn tell the truth about the assaults on you but you need to if you are ever going to be free of him

this is imperative

speak to Social Care again and withdraw the contact visits in your home, tell them you are seeking to go into a refuge and take it from there

this can never work

AnyFucker · 15/10/2014 19:24

lovey, escalate his sexual assault on you

you have been offered a way out

please let the professionals help you... you cannot manage this on your own

AnyFucker · 15/10/2014 19:26

you are the one that works in social care, right ?

would you advise any of your clients to accept a situation like this or would you be advising otherwise ?

do for you what you would do for them

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 15/10/2014 19:33

OP, I have done the "abusive stbx having contact with the dcs in the family home" for 9 months after we separated. It was simply an opportunity for him to work on me and be nasty and carry on the abuse. I finally had to put a stop to it for my own sanity and our safety. I will now only agree to contact in a public place (library, McD's, play area) or contact centre. Now that he cannot come into my home and boss us about and he's finally realised I am not taking him back, he can't be arsed to see them.

Original poster
weedinthepool · 15/10/2014 19:33

Yes I work in children's social care AF but no longer frontline services.

Yes, you are right. You all right. I thought I could manage the situation because I know how the system works but obviously that is not happening very well! I thought I'd could regulate his behaviour by changing my responses (yet again!) I need to stop trying to crisis manage my own situation. The first bit of training I ever received was 'Don't assess situations with any prejudgements & don't emotionally assess any situation as it clouds facts and the information gathering process'.

I will speak to DA people tomorrow re refuge.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/10/2014 20:02

Good for you Thanks

AnyFucker · 15/10/2014 20:02

You sound lovely, and you absolutely do not deserve this

Lweji · 15/10/2014 20:27

I hope you get a place soon.

In any case, change the agreement to suit you, don't allow him to keep abusing you.

Original poster
weedinthepool · 15/10/2014 20:38

Just done the wave of light for my lost baby & a friends daughter Sad usually something I do with H to remember our twin; he's left me alone to do it & remember in peace at least.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/10/2014 20:43

Those days are over. You have to accept it, before he will too. I am sorry for your loss Thanks