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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has he got depression?

29 replies

atmywitsendxx · 15/10/2014 14:14

I have posted here a few times and had some great advice. My fiance and I have been together for 4 years engaged for 9 months. He basically said I haven't given him enough support over the past 9 months and now wants us to split. He decided this a few weeks ago then changed mind giving me the opportunity to change which he said he still feels frustration towards me and wants to split again.

Reading over some of the other posts on depression seems to describing him completely. He is now distant, irritated and seems to have had a personality transplant. My mum thinks he is depressed and struggling to adapting to life with a one year old. I have suggested speaking to a professional but he said no. I honestly want to get out and rent somewhere myself with my Daugher as he is just horrible but my mum keeps reminding me how hard my life will be and how he is ill. He says its over so I think my mum is just living in hope. I just dont know if I should try harder but he is just turned into a horrible person. He says this is the real him and he has put on an act for the past 4 years. I just don't know if I should move out now or hang around hoping he will change back?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/10/2014 14:21

If he thinks he's depressed, he needs a doctor, diagnosis and treatment. Is your Mum a doctor? If he won't see a doctor, all you're left with is a distant, unpleasant partner who appears to be telling you this is the 'real him'. I think you therefore have to take him on face value and assume he isn't going to change. No amount of trying on your part will make any difference to his behaviour.

Quite a common reason, of course, for a partner becoming moody, distant and making accusations of inadequate support is that they have found someone new. So keep an open mind but at the same time start planning for a better future for yourself.

gildedcage · 15/10/2014 14:23

My honest answer is if he thinks its over and you want to leave get out now.

It doesn't matter if you think he's depressed. He needs to understand/acknowledge he has a problem and want to help himself. You cannot be responsible for him or his health.

Having dealt with a depressed husband myself I wouldn't put myself through it again.

thebrideishighbutimholdingon · 15/10/2014 14:30

He says this is the real him and he has put on an act for the past 4 years

This is a horrible situation for you to be in but I think this is the key to it. You probably don't want to believe it but this may very well be the truth.

I don't know whether he is depressed or not, but I do know that he doesn't want to seek professional help and doesn't want you around. So whether or not you would be willing to support him through it is irrelevant because you can't do anything to help him if he doesn't want to be helped. I'm very sorry.

Jan45 · 15/10/2014 14:33

Regardless of the possibility of him having depression which seems to come from your mum's ascertain and not his, you need to get away for your daughter's sake, she should come first! Not a good atmosphere to be raising a child in and not good for self esteem with his constant put downs.

I'd seriously use the daughter as an excuse to get away, it's up to him to sort himself out, at least by visiting his GP and not putting all his anger on you. Definitely not OW no?

cailindana · 15/10/2014 15:17

I would put money on there being another woman. Even if there isn't, it's telling that he's saying you haven't been supportive since you got engaged. I'm guessing that once he proposed to you he expected you to take on a traditional "wife" role (ie do everything for him, let him boss you around) and because you haven't he's punishing you.

Whatever the story is, if he's horrible there's no point in staying with him. Get well away from him (and I say this as someone who has been depressed and horrible because of it).

JoylessFucker · 15/10/2014 15:39

atmywitsend I am sure that your Mum means well, but - and it's a very big but - it is simply not helpful to you in your decision-making process to saddle you these feelings of guilt. You need to make a clear headed decision of what is best for you & your daughter, so please put any guilty feelings aside.

Your fiancé is the only one who can do anything about his behaviour (whether its depression-related or not) and he appears unwilling to so do.

Don't stay because you're afraid it will be hard on your own. Far better to be happily alone than having the joy slowly but surely sucked out of you. All the best OP Flowers

Original poster
atmywitsendxx · 15/10/2014 15:45

When I first posted about our relationship on here many people said it had the songs on another woman. There has been a new "friend" on the scene a (she recently moved into his work team) I have looked through his phone and found messages which would probably be best described as "banter". He was slagging off her choice I'm beer and they were sending photographs of beer bottles back and forth as well as chat about Made in Chelsea. There were no kisses or winks etc but I confronted him on it and he said shes a friend and I couldnt tell him who he can text as they are innocent. I know she is one year younger than him and single.

As far as the depression my mum just thinks she knows the signs. He has admitted he feels though he is having a mid life crisis in his 20's but blames me for causing this through my lack of support. His mum was ill and I said the wrong things by being positive. I often say to him he wants to be with someone exactly as he is in a woman's body if that makes sense. As he often said "you should have said this ..." I said that's not what my brain told me to say.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 15/10/2014 15:48

Jeezo, is all your fault huh, where has his support been for you whilst carrying and looking after baby? Your mum doesn't know, she does not live with him.

I'd be highly suspicious re texts, he could easily have deleted the rest.

JoylessFucker · 15/10/2014 15:53

Does it really matter whether he's depressed, having an affair, or having a hard time with a one year old child? Surely what matters is his instinct to blame you and that he often tells you what he thinks you should say.

He sounds a right charmer.

Original poster
atmywitsendxx · 15/10/2014 16:04

I told him it takes two to make things work. He feels it's my fault as he got in first saying he was unhappy so therefore I need to change. I do all the housework etc he does cook more than I do. We had both our dads around the other week he cooked as I was working. When I got home I asked does he need a hand in the kitchen he said no the next morning he said didnt help and support him with our "dinner party" I honestly can do know right.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 15/10/2014 16:11

send him on his way.
he clearly isn't happy.
neither are you.

if he is depressed that 's a clinical diagnosis via GP - not from your mum. if he finds out it is and gets treatment; fine.

you will be much happier on your own without carrying his weight around.

stop trying to make him change his mind to be with you.

you cannot change in order to make him happy. you can change your reaction to him though. accept eh wants to go and let him go.

go back to him and say ok fine, you are right, you need to move out by xx date.

the arrangements for you to be with the DC are as follows (start with a fifty fifty type split and work from there) .

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/10/2014 17:00

"He was slagging off her choice I'm beer and they were sending photographs of beer bottles back and forth as well as chat about Made in Chelsea"

Oh yeah... he sounds dead depressed... Hmm

Original poster
atmywitsendxx · 15/10/2014 17:13

Exactly he cant even be bothered having a conversation with me but he is quite happy to have all this "banter" with her.

OP posts:
handfulofcottonbuds · 15/10/2014 18:08

I'm sorry OP but if you're depressed, you cannot muster the energy or inclination to have banter with anyone.

It's an illness that you cannot turn on and off.

Rollercola · 15/10/2014 18:49

I asked the same question about my exh. He was moody, miserable, self-absorbed, EA, nasty etc. Turns out there was another woman waiting in the wings. Let him go & find yourself someone who really cares about you and gives YOU some support rather than moaning and whining about not getting any from you.

LynneTheSecretary · 15/10/2014 18:56

I'd disagree with some of the posters here about depression. From personal experience it can manifest in many ways and many depressed people (men in particular) can "banter" and act relatively normal "in company" only to act very diferrent at home. It's very frustrating and if you Google this it's incredibly common.

Symptoms of depression in men can often include unexpected things like irritability, blaming, anger, manipulative behavior, verbal abuse, affair seeking, porn use, heavy drinking, bad sleep.

Depressed men can sometimes fit the picture we have in our mind of "depression" (the crying, hopeless man laying on the sofa all day with no energy) but it doesn't always present like that. Sometimes you just experience the person changing into an irritable, nasty person and then it's hard for anyone but the person in it to see how much their partner has changed.

If he is depressed and wants to direct blame at you then nothing you say or do is likely to adjust this opinion. He will want to continue with this opinion because it's far easier to blame an external source for feeling shitty than it is to look any deeper.

The best thing you can do is leave him to it. Go and get you own place and let him work through how he feels on his own. If might be that he is depressed and it might be that he is not. Even GPs can struggle with diagnosis on this sort of stuff. I got diagnosed with severe depression once when I was not remotely depressed. I'd direct him to a few leaflets or websites on depression and leave him to it. If he is depressed he will probably fall down to rock bottom before he admits he has a problem.

It sort of doesn't make a difference though if he's not able to face it and get help. The facts are he is treating you badly and blaming you for his unhappiness. Depressed or not that's clearly not okay.

I'd recommend buying the books by Anne Sheffield, available online, and perhaps talking to your own GP yourself for some advice.

Original poster
atmywitsendxx · 15/10/2014 18:57

Thank you everyone for your replys. I think you are right about the depression. I have been going over things in my head and thought it might have been a reason why he has changed so much. I know he is enjoying getting some attention from this new "friend". He says I'm over sensitive as my ex left me for a younger woman at his work also. He says he is allowed to have single female friends. He has been out with work colleagues at least once/twice a week for the last few months.

OP posts:
gildedcage · 15/10/2014 19:02

Absolutely if he has energy to have 'banter' with some other woman this isn't depression. Don't waste any more of your precious time on this man.

As someone said up thread it is unfair for you to shoulder trying to make things work when he isn't interested.

Original poster
atmywitsendxx · 15/10/2014 19:05

LynneTheSecretary - thanks for your thoughts. As you said he does put on on a front to the outside world whilst taking out frustration on me. He calls me names and generally acts as if he hates me. I don't know if this is depression or not he says hes not and is not interested in seeking help on his own or as a couple. There is more I can do. I have a few flat viewings for tomorrow. Despite my mum wanting me to move in with her I feel I need my own space with my daughter.

OP posts:
Timcook · 15/10/2014 19:11

Thats not depression its abuse. Get out of there.

LynneTheSecretary · 15/10/2014 19:17

You might find this helpful: depressionfallout.org/symptomsofdepression.php

Please avoid making excuses though. Depression is a mood disorder, so understandable if he has it that there are behavior changes but he still have the ability to make choices.

It is still abuse.

ReeBee · 15/10/2014 19:49

Totally agree with Lynne.

From my experience with having a depressed DH, your fiancé could well be depressed BUT that doesn't mean you should put up with what is clearly unacceptable behaviour. Leave and take your little girl, for both your sakes. I left, eventually. And when DH was diagnosed and stable, and after a lot of talking, I (and our little boy) came home.

Dealing with depression puts a strain on a relationship. It's a tough road. Your fiancé would need to admit there's an issue and seek help as a first step: you can't solve this for him.

It does sound like there is something else going on here though.

Please remember that it's possible to be depressed and also be / behave like an arse. They're not mutually exclusive.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 15/10/2014 19:58

He's not depressed. He's a twat. Get rid.

Stripyhoglets · 15/10/2014 20:03

He's not depressed, he fancies this work colleague, is fed up of having a young child and the work that entails, and is blaming you rather than himself. Your mum needs to understand things will be a lot harder if you stay and you deserve more, you deserve someone who loves you, not someone who wants to be elsewhere.

Littlef00t · 15/10/2014 20:36

If he's going out regularly I highly doubt he's depressed. DH has depression and a lack of energy was a huge sign. Physical and mental fatigue.

Unfortunately I think you have to look to move on.

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