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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Has he got depression?

29 replies

atmywitsendxx · 15/10/2014 14:14

I have posted here a few times and had some great advice. My fiance and I have been together for 4 years engaged for 9 months. He basically said I haven't given him enough support over the past 9 months and now wants us to split. He decided this a few weeks ago then changed mind giving me the opportunity to change which he said he still feels frustration towards me and wants to split again.

Reading over some of the other posts on depression seems to describing him completely. He is now distant, irritated and seems to have had a personality transplant. My mum thinks he is depressed and struggling to adapting to life with a one year old. I have suggested speaking to a professional but he said no. I honestly want to get out and rent somewhere myself with my Daugher as he is just horrible but my mum keeps reminding me how hard my life will be and how he is ill. He says its over so I think my mum is just living in hope. I just dont know if I should try harder but he is just turned into a horrible person. He says this is the real him and he has put on an act for the past 4 years. I just don't know if I should move out now or hang around hoping he will change back?

OP posts:
atmywitsendxx · 15/10/2014 22:18

Thanks everyone! He was out the whole weekend. He was out wIth his work Friday, then friends Sat and Tuesday. Tonight he is still not home and I have not heard a word from him. I called his office phone just after 7pm so clearly not there!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/10/2014 10:39

"As you said he does put on on a front to the outside world whilst taking out frustration on me. He calls me names and generally acts as if he hates me."

This is standard abusive/bullying/nasty behaviour - very common indeed - and not consistent with depression, sorry.

LynneTheSecretary · 16/10/2014 11:31

Just for anyone else reading this who is concerned about a partner I want to point out that I disagree with Cogito on the abusive/nasty/bullying behavior being inconsistent with depression.

Some resources for readers here on how common it is for depressed (men in particular) to become angry, abusive, nasty, cold and mean:

www.mypartnerisdepressed.com/forum/tag-18/

www.storiedmind.com/anger/depression-anger-destructive-partnership/

depressionfalloutmessageboard.yuku.com/topic/10120/Depression-or-Abuse#.VDmU8_ldXz4

I wish it was more widely know how common nasty and abusive behavior actually is. There are a lot of women experiencing nasty and abusive behavior due to depression in their mates and it can be really confusing.

I am not condoning that behavior, but it is an explanation for sudden changes in depressed men.

That said, I don't think your fiance is depressed though if he is out all weekend or 2 - 3 nights a week. The majority of depressed people can't be bothered to do anything and while they can "put on an act" in public they find it very draining and avoid it.

I think he just sounds like a selfish, childish idiot who isn't enjoying the lifestyle changes after having a baby!

LynneTheSecretary · 16/10/2014 11:38

Also, I'd like to say that having experienced depression in varying forms close up, that life with someone with depression who does not want to help themselves is miserable.

Also, depression affects diferrent people in diferrent ways and a lot of that is down to personality and levels of emotional maturity.

Emotionally mature individuals or those able to analyse themselves and how they are feeling are more likely to seek help or try and look and what is going on.

Other individuals are more prone to burying their head in the sand.

What I am saying really is that depression is not a mystical disease that takes over your body, but it is a mental health issue that can often bring out underlying characteristics and magnify them.

Not all depressed people torn angry and abusive to their spouses, but some do. I am not going to try and give you the reasons for that, but how your fiance handles depression might be how he handles life in general.

He has to posses, depressed or not, the self management skills to get through life's ups and downs. Doubts, illnesses, periods of uncertainty without directing blame or abuse at you. If he can't do that (depressed or not) he will make a terrible husband.

We can't save anyone from themselves. We sometimes watch them behaving in ways that we think make no sense and we see them make decisions that hurt us and might even hurt them too but we don't have the power to control others.

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