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Original poster

Important things to do / discuss before moving in?

34 replies

gigglygirlygirl · 15/10/2014 13:58

What are the key things to sort before moving in with a boyfriend?

I know it won't be all rose tinted and perfect so I want to be sensible. I have never lived with anyone before so if you could share things that you were glad you sorted / wish you had discussed I would really appreciate it!

OP posts:
Fudgeface123 · 15/10/2014 14:03

Chores
Bills
Finances
Joint purchases

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/10/2014 14:04

MONEY .... how it's stored, spent, shared, budgeted, reviewed. Park the hearts and flowers and treat this as a cold hard business transaction Chores
Attitudes to things that are important to you.... religion, politics, lifestyle, whatever

cailindana · 15/10/2014 14:07

Agree with the others. Money first, then chores. What you really need to find out is each other's attitude to these things, not just the whole "Oh of course we'll share!" bullshit. Even then it's hard to know how it'll really pan out day to day, but it's worth trying to be as clear as possible at the start.

thisisnow · 15/10/2014 14:09

Chores and Money! I'd advise getting a joint account set up then one of you doesn't end up paying more for food etc.

Original poster
gigglygirlygirl · 15/10/2014 14:19

I don't think chores should be an issue as he likes to cook and I really like housework. Will discuss though what happens on days when we are both working. I think my cleaning standards are higher than his.

We did have a chat about money and his suggestion was that I paid for food and the difference in bills and treats like the cinema or days out. It is his house (mortgaged) and he earns a lot more than me but not a huge salary if that makes sense. He wants to be fair to me and give me chance to get used to earning less money but I want to be fair and not take advantage!

Attitude-wise even though there is an age gap we have pretty similar ideas on the future and interests. Neither of us really drink or party!

I need to learn about meal planning (he likes to cook and try new recipes but also need stuff in that his kids will eat as they are there quite a bit) and having a set budget.

OP posts:
cailindana · 15/10/2014 14:25

"I don't think chores should be an issue as he likes to cook and I really like housework. Will discuss though what happens on days when we are both working. I think my cleaning standards are higher than his.

We did have a chat about money and his suggestion was that I paid for food and the difference in bills and treats like the cinema or days out. It is his house (mortgaged) and he earns a lot more than me but not a huge salary if that makes sense. He wants to be fair to me and give me chance to get used to earning less money but I want to be fair and not take advantage!"

I don't know if it's me being old and grumpy but what you've said here comes across to me as being very naive giggly. Cleaning up after one person is a lot different to cleaning up after two. Cooking for two people, on the other hand, is not much different at all to cooking for one, in fact in many ways it is easier. Please be careful of walking blindly into a situation where you are totally responsible for housework. You might think it's ok now, but give it two years of never having a clean kitchen to work in, constantly taking mugs out of the sitting room, picking up dirty pants off the floor and you'll soon get tired of it. How will laundry be dealt with?

The money situation is far too vague. You need a more solid arrangement than that IMO.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/10/2014 14:29

Rather than a casual chat about money have a plan that gets reviewed on a regular basis. It's his house and his mortgage, you're going to be financially reliant on him, this makes you vulnerable, and you have to think through a few 'what ifs' and review them as time goes on. If you're moving in together your status gets elevated to 'family' ... you're therefore not taking advantage but should be treated as an equal partner.

Meerka · 15/10/2014 14:32

Chores and money

Also always keep enough money squirrelled away in a sacred account that's just yours so that if something disastrous happens, you can leave. Always.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/10/2014 14:33

What's the age-gap I wonder? Is it just a few years or is your partner someone with a previous family and so on?

Mammanat222 · 15/10/2014 14:34

Chores
Bills
Finances
Joint purchases

Amen to this.

Make sure everything is set in stone as well (bills should come out of accounts, not paid in cash - easier to keep track of!)

Start an excel spreadsheet and work out cost of bills, what that is when split 50/50 but also who will pay what

You may pay Gas & electric and he may pay the Sky bill for example if they are both of similar amount.

FinallyHere · 15/10/2014 14:38

We agreed a budget for all household expenditure, and contributed in proportion to our income. He really enjoyed cooking so i thought we were all sorted....

If i did it again, i would be less concerned about who was cooking and more concerned about who would clear up and when. I like to clear up as i go along, whether I am cooking or sous chef-ing, as we call supporting the cook. Imagine my surprise that while he loves to cook, he tended to dirty every dish and spoon in the house in the process. He was happy to tidy it all up in a marathon session, maybe even the next day. I much prefer my way, which means that its mostly all done before we sit down to eat.

Took a while of me cooking and clearing up and then him cooking and me clearing up, and then quite a few conversation of him saying just leave it and me saying but i really don't want to live in this mess, til we got a way of working that works for both of us.

It seems simple, just two adults, no children at the time, but oh dear don't underestimate the effort to work out a way that is OK for both of us. Still working on it, really, 20 years later.

PulpsNotFiction · 15/10/2014 14:40

You need to be looking not just at who pays what but how much disposable income that leaves you with.
It's all very well saying you'll cover food, but how old are his kids? A weekly shop including household items/cleaning stuff etc soon adds up. It's too wishy washy I'd rather you sat down, all in comings and outgoings listed and then work out what's a fair percentage for you to pay (given its his mortgage so you have zero security)

I don't understand what you mean by 'earning less money' why? Are your earnings changing?

You have so much to discuss it makes my head hurt a bit! So I'll let other wise ones come along and tell you Smile

Fudgeface123 · 15/10/2014 14:41

Don't agree with you paying for cinema dates and treats...surely he'd like to treat you occasionally?

Original poster
gigglygirlygirl · 15/10/2014 14:47

cailindana Currently he does all the laundry and ironing so I am a little spoilt. He hates washing up and I find it relaxing so things like that should be fine. He does all the cooking at the moment too so that will need a rethink.

Cogitio He is 13 years older than me and has 2 children that live with their mum but he has them 2/3 nights a week, at least one full day at the weekend as well as evenings for tea probably about 3 times.

I hadn't thought about paying from accounts rather than cash. Maybe a joint account would be easier for that.

We both have similar views on money - want to be comfortable and secure and not waste money but to still have treats. Neither of us has done the proper budget thing really (his marriage wasn't like that) but I like the idea of a spreadsheet!

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 15/10/2014 14:52

"His suggestion was that I paid for food and the difference in bills and treats like the cinema or days out"

Living in his mortgaged home and you not making a contribution towards his mortgage-payments could leave you rather vulnerable if the relationship should fail long-term. Imagine having lived with him for a decade and you not having any claim against the property you propose to share. You've subsidised his living expenses all along with nothing to show for it whatsoever. This would only be fair if you've had the opportunity to stash away in savings what you might have paid in rent if you'd lived on your own all along.

DO NOT open a joint bank-account with anyone you are not married to! This links you financially, will show up on any credit-searches and opens you up to risks if he's not as savvy with money as you are.

If this moving-in stuff is seen by both of you as a long-term commitment what's wrong with buying a property together? Do you know what debts he has?

Original poster
gigglygirlygirl · 15/10/2014 14:55

finallyhere ..... I tend to be the messy one in the kitchen especially when baking. Somehow I need every bowl!

pulpsnotfiction I am changing jobs so will be earning quite a bit less than I am now. His children are 8 and 11. It is a bit wishy washy!

Fudgeface He does that now and still will do things that are just me and him like the theatre etc but it would be more for day trips with the kids and birthdays / Christmas stuff for family / friends rather than for each other. He is good at little surprises and treats.

OP posts:
cailindana · 15/10/2014 14:56

I have to say giggly there are a few red flags waving here for me. I think you're entering into this a bit underprepared but hopefully things will iron out as time goes on.

Is he up for discussing things in detail?

Original poster
gigglygirlygirl · 15/10/2014 15:05

bitter His house is in a really good location for his job and my job as well as the children's schools and their friends are around here. I know about his debts - he has a mortgage and a car on finance. Hadn't thought of the credit searches and joint accounts .... I don't have much of a credit rating.

cailindana He is totally open and up for discussing all this stuff. It is more that neither of us has had that equal partnership before so it is tricky to know what needs to be organised / how to keep it fair for both of us.

OP posts:
cailindana · 15/10/2014 15:05

In what way was his marriage not equal?

Original poster
gigglygirlygirl · 15/10/2014 15:11

Financially - she had debts before they married and built up more during the marriage. Plus his ex wife was quite keen on him doing the majority of house stuff as well as paying for most things. His money was for the family / house etc and hers was her own.

OP posts:
cailindana · 15/10/2014 15:13

How do you know that detail giggly? Does he volunteer this information?

Original poster
gigglygirlygirl · 15/10/2014 15:16

We have talked about it and he is pretty open about it now. I don't know if he would have volunteered the information but his ex wife brought it up. Probably ended up talking about it sooner than he would have liked really.

OP posts:
cailindana · 15/10/2014 15:18

Sorry for the questions giggly, but how do you mean his ex wife brought it up? How did that happen?

Original poster
gigglygirlygirl · 15/10/2014 15:22

It was only the second time I had met her but she was making a joke about how she was a princess and how she loved her treats like getting her hair and nails done. I am pretty sure she was trying to make him look bad and like a bit of a walk over. Made a joke about him having to pay off her debts a few times while they were married too.

OP posts:
cailindana · 15/10/2014 15:25

I don't know the circumstances obviously but I find it very odd that you've even met her. The whole situation sounds complicated and unfriendly to me, particularly as you'll be looking after her kids for a large part of the year.

I know I'm sounding very very cynical though. Put it down to me being crotchety :) Feel free to tell me to back off if you'd rather I did.

How old are you?

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