Important things to do / discuss before moving in?

[gigglygirlygirl]

What are the key things to sort before moving in with a boyfriend?

I know it won't be all rose tinted and perfect so I want to be sensible. I have never lived with anyone before so if you could share things that you were glad you sorted / wish you had discussed I would really appreciate it!

Chores and finance obviously but the fact that he has children makes it a whole lot more serous.

You need to discuss & think very carefully how you feel about the child(ren) - understand that they come first, how will you feel when they are staying with you etc etc etc.

Do you want children yourself with this man? There is a big age difference between you. How long have you been dating?

I met her because I would be spending time with the children - I thought that was normal! It is more awkward for my boyfriend as she makes these little digs at him quite often. She is fine with me though so far anyway. Plus the children like that we get along and can be civilised. She isn't someone that I have much in common with but I can be polite.

Oh no - it is good to hear all views!

I'm 27.

Of course she might just be a nasty character who wants to get her own back on her ex, but I do wonder if the "digs" are subtle warnings to you about what he's like?

Do you know what caused the marriage to break up?

ragwort Oh there being children being involved made me much more wary at the start. I am not naturally maternal and had to seriously think about whether I wanted to get involved with a man who had children. Especially a man who is so involved with his kids. There haven't been any issues with the children and they took to me from the start which was a surprise! I don't expect it to be problem free especially when I move in and with the teen year approaching. We are careful to present a united front though and have similar views. Obviously I can't say 100% at my age that I don't want children of my own but I am as sure as I can be. We have been together 9 months and spend every weekend together plus a week night and I spent my holidays from work there.

cailindana He has been very open and said that they both made mistakes. They got married and had children but once things settled it turned out that they wanted different things. She says he was too boring for her. I don't think she is trying to warn me off I just think she doesn't have a filter on what she says. She has said that she enjoys winding him up so it might just be that.

If he's been paying for the mortgage and you've been paying the bills and days out, you want to think what the situation would be if the relationship breaks down. He has a roof over his head and an asset. You have neither.

Chores have you each spent substantial time at the other's house? When he stays at yours who stands up and takes the pots to the kitchen? Who washes the breakfast dishes? Where do his dirty clothes end up at the end of the day? What happens when you stay at his? I think the answer to these kind of questions, re "incidental chores" will be quite telling.

Another issue for discussion is his children.

I don't know if there is a way around the mortgage / asset thing?

He hasn't spent much time here at all but I have spent a lot of time at his house. He cooks and takes the pots to the kitchen. His dirty clothes end up in the washing machine. Not used to that as I am used to having a laundry basket! The only thing I gather up before doing the pots is a few mugs that end up dotted around. He only washes up once a day but he works shifts. I like a nice clean sink before bed.

His children - we have discussed things like them staying over and rules as well as spending on birthdays / Christmas.

vivacia is spot on; and so is the person who said not to open a joint account with someone to whom you are not married.

Have you discussed what you both want out of this long term? If you're looking for a permanent relationship perhaps with children of your own then you need to have some idea of what he thinks on the subject. You do not want to find your clock ticking in five years time and have to leave and start again because he really didn't see things that way.

We are both wanting this to be permanent. Into retirement and beyond. I can't see that I will change my mind on children but I suppose there is always that tiny chance that I wake up in 10 years to a ticking sound.