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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Remember my wicked MIL?

36 replies

Northerner · 30/09/2006 11:21

Well 2 weeks have gone by and we still haven't spoken since I told I her we needed to talk and she told me she will tell me when she's ready to talk.

Anyway, SIL called today to say MIL's partner is having a brain operation on WEdnesday.

So, part of me thinks I should call her as it is ovb a worrying time (he has been ill for a while) put I still can't forget how much trouble she nearly caused and how little she thinks of us.

Also, knowing her like I do, if I call her she will take that as a green light that all is well. When it is so not.

What do you reckon?

OP posts:
Pruni · 30/09/2006 11:28

Message withdrawn

porpoise · 30/09/2006 11:28

Hi Northerner
I've been following your thread (although I didn't post on it earlier because everyone else was doing a much better job of saying what I wanted to say!)
Could you not let her know you're thinking of her and her partner without actually having to talk to her - text her or leave a message when you know she'll be out, perhaps?

Carmenere · 30/09/2006 11:29

You call her and say that you are there for her if she needs anything.

BudaBabe · 30/09/2006 11:32

You are better than her Northener. As others said, rise above it and then you know you have been the "goody guy". Petty I know but you can hug that thought to your heart next time she does something!

SoupDragon · 30/09/2006 11:34

Rise above it! For heaven's sake, her partner is having brain surgery. It's far more important than anything you need to sort out, and you can talk about it later when she's not distracted by this.

SoupDragon · 30/09/2006 11:35

Besides, you don't want her to be able to say "Northerner never even called when DP was having brain surgery..."

PretendFriend · 30/09/2006 11:50

You could send a card? "Sorry to hear about the op, thinking of you both" kind of thing?

I don't blame you for not wanting to talk to her atm but soupy is dead right, this is serious stuff.

Original poster
Northerner · 30/09/2006 12:00

Ah, isn't MN great for putting things into perspective?

Think I will send a card to him though, not her.

OP posts:
Carmenere · 30/09/2006 12:04

Send it to both of them, sending it just to him will give her more ammunition. Her partner may die ffs, now is not the time to score points. Later on when, please God, he is ok, sort it out then.

CarolinaMoon · 30/09/2006 12:15

I think you should call her.

This is potentially life-and-death . It is bigger than the bother she has caused with you and your SIL.

I'm not saying you should act as if nothing's happened, but make it clear you will put that to one side while this is going on.

CarolinaMoon · 30/09/2006 12:17

x-posted, but I still think you should call rather than write - if you're used to seeing someone several times a week (IIRC?) writing would just make it look like you want to keep a distance, when really she will need a lot of support from you all ATM.

Chandra · 30/09/2006 12:38

Being there, done that... call didn't make things better as at the time even talking about the weather she would have found offensive.

I'll send a very well written card to both of them, the call will be ackward anyway if she is not ready to speak to you and may even give her more, erm..., "things" to think about when she needs to concentrate on one. But add at the end of it that you are at the end of the phone line ready to be of help if they need you. If she complains about you not calling, you can say in your defense that you were respecting her wish to speak to her when she indicated she was ready.

Chandra · 30/09/2006 12:39

I would instead of "i'll@ please...

Chandra · 30/09/2006 12:39

"I'll" even!

adozenroses · 30/09/2006 14:51

MIL's can be evil and nasty, but she is probably having a tough time right now. Some problems are not worth dragging on. Life can be too short.

What does your dh think about all of this?

shhhh · 30/09/2006 19:57

I agree life can be to short but at the end of the day if you have had problems then she needs to be clear that things are still unresolved iykwim..
I haven;t followed your threads (will try and check now..) BUT I have had major problems with my il's which meant us (inc dh) not speaking to them for around 9 weeks. Things were only on a "cival" (ish) basis aftre this time due to dd being christened. DH didn't want them to miss such an important day for us although I was totally against it. TBH I wouldn't have cared if they had been there or not BUT I went along with it for dh.

Like you, I to thought that them coming to the day would make them think all was hunky doory BUT I can assure you they NEVER got that impression from me. OK I was cival and initiated conversation (as I did for many weeks later)but I didn't do anything more iykwim.

TBH my main concern which I stressed to dh on mnay occasions that by seeing them again in the environment we did before I felt 2 things:

  1. They would think all was ok and everything would be back to normal.
  2. They would see me as a weak person who took the shit but continued to accept them.

Both optons filled me with fear and I ddn't want either. BUT I did continue to see them, only for the sake of dh and maybe for dd's sake BUT that was all. Possibly I ave an impression that this was what I was doing.
Now 10 weeks on and currently 22 weeks pregnant things are nowhere near what they were like before (Which I feel is a shame for dh) and I would like to think that my il's know that they crossed the boundries and that it wasn't tollerated then and it won't be now. I like to think that I was the bigger and more mature person by making the steps to see them and by seeing them since.

ds2b is due in Jan and I have told dh that my fear is that they would be like they were with dd and around at every opportunity, again something I don't want as the issue we had haven't been forgotten..not by me anyway.

Sorry I'm rambleing..think what I am saying is I know totally where you are coming from and I agree 110% with you. Given the circumstances maybe I would make an effort to see or speak to your mil BUT then again I'm not sure I would esp given how hurt I was with our senario. I agree with the card thing BUT i'm of the opposite thinking to others on this post and I would address it to noone. In my view at least they knew you were thinking of them and knew that things were not cleared.
BTW do you have to speak to her..?? Can you not leave this up to your dh..? I rarely speak to my il's, only if I happen to answer the phone when they call. DH speaks to make arrangements etc. (again totaly different to how things were prior to the issue as I would visit mil without dh).

Hope things get resolved . xx

wartywarthog · 30/09/2006 20:33

i think if you don't call now, this will cause a huge rift. she will be able to say 'and she didn't even bother when x was so ill' and she'll have the upper hand for ever more. call, be kind and civil and offer help, but no more, so that she understands that things aren't right between you but you won't make her go through this alone if she needs you.

SherlockLGJ · 30/09/2006 20:35

Oh FGS

She stirred the shit, she did not do anything to hurt in the physical sense you or your family.

SherlockLGJ · 30/09/2006 20:35

I will be really dissapointed in you Northener if you let this become a show stopper.

Original poster
Northerner · 01/10/2006 08:27

Ok ok, point taken. But beleive you me this goes back many years. even beyond all this recent crap.

Dh barely has a relationship with his mum, there has only been one because I've put the work in and maintained contact. She didn't raise dh or his brother, she drove them with a packed suitcase to their Dads and his new wife's aged 7 and 9 and said she didn't want them. They never lived with her again after that. My dh spent 3 years at uni and never heard from his mum once, he desperatley wanted her to attend his graduation. She didn't show

So please don't judge me on my recent posts alone. There is so much more I have told you.

But I will rise above, for the sake of her dp.

OP posts:
Original poster
Northerner · 01/10/2006 08:28

So much more I haven't told you.

OP posts:
sorrell · 01/10/2006 08:40

I'd go with a card and nothing more personally. She sounds absolutely horrible. She's lucky to have any family at all, let alone a concerned DIL.

lizziemun · 01/10/2006 08:57

sorry, but i dont normally post on these threads but going through a simliar thing at the moment i would send a card and leave it that.

Let any contact done by either your dh or mil. This i what i have done since july as i can no longer be bothered with petty arguement and mil putting my dh down.

She has now realised that if she to see our dd then she has to speak dh hence she has seen dd twice since.

Like most men dh just doesn't phone his mum unless i remind him, as i not doing this it just hasn't been done.

This is her choice not yours.

fattiemumma · 01/10/2006 09:08

do you not think that your MIL, whether she is manipulative or not, deserves the support of her family the same as any other human being?

it is probably an incredibly difficult and worrying time for her and her partner right now, and i would imagine she has more important things on her mind than continuing a feud with you.

PLease rise above whats gone on, if needs be you can discuss it when your FIL is better.

shhhh · 01/10/2006 12:42

northerner what do you feel you should do ..? Whats your gut feeling..?