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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Remember my wicked MIL?

36 replies

Northerner · 30/09/2006 11:21

Well 2 weeks have gone by and we still haven't spoken since I told I her we needed to talk and she told me she will tell me when she's ready to talk.

Anyway, SIL called today to say MIL's partner is having a brain operation on WEdnesday.

So, part of me thinks I should call her as it is ovb a worrying time (he has been ill for a while) put I still can't forget how much trouble she nearly caused and how little she thinks of us.

Also, knowing her like I do, if I call her she will take that as a green light that all is well. When it is so not.

What do you reckon?

OP posts:

Original poster

Northerner · 02/10/2006 09:29

Fattiemumma - it's her dp, not my FIL.

I will send a card and leave it at that. She has been phoning SIL daily, not called us once.

OP posts:

Chandra · 02/10/2006 19:18

Do the card thing Northern, my mil is a right one and while her husband was dieing and his family wanted to see him, MIL spent day after day in the hospital bitching about her inlaws with fil, at the time he needed more rest and to sort the problems she had created within his family.

She didn't care she was upseting fil, she blocked his family from seeing him and forbid us from contacting the "other side" of the family again, and she bitched all the time about her MIL not showing up to the funeral even when her MIL was in critical condition in another hospital.

So, not all people get to focus in the important things in life when going through a huge problem. So... less direct support, as in a well written card with your contact details, may be the less disruptive option.

I used to think there would always be problems between SILs and MILs, but there are MILs and MILs IYKWIM

sorrell · 03/10/2006 10:37

Actually, I think a mother who dumps her kids and says she 'doesn't want them' doesn't really 'deserve' the support of her own family, let alone that of her son's wife. She's a lucky woman to even get a card IMO.

QueenPeaHead · 03/10/2006 10:40

maybe the reason she hasn't called you is because her dp is about to go for brain surgery and the last thing on her mind is a diff with her DIL?......

need to look at this with a slightly less selfish POV methinks.

Original poster

Northerner · 03/10/2006 10:53

Her dp has been in hospital for 3 months waiting for this op. So we have known for a while it was going to happen. He has fluid on his brain and they will be draining it.

So she was quite happy doing all the shit stirring whilst he was in hospital. And before he went to hopital she was quite happy moaning to us all about what a pain in the arse it was caring for him at home, how she couldn't have a life and that she didn't love him anymore.

So we are not dealing with your average caring Mum here.

I know she will be worried about his surgery, as are dh and I of course. I have sent a card and I will visit him in hospital, but I can't bring myself to hand her an olive branch anymore.

This might make me sound a complete hard bitch, and I am so not. Anyone who knows me will tell you that. I ahve gone out of my way in the past to be a good friend and loyal to MIL, on many ocassions she has overstepped the mark and I have forgiven her.

This is a woman who after my m/c told me she knew exactly how I was feeling because she had had 2 abortions. NOthing againts abortions, but it is not the same as a miscarriage.

OP posts:

wartywarthog · 03/10/2006 12:31

northener. i think you have done enough then. you've sent the card showing her you are thinking of her and she's not totally alone. but at the same time, things are not ok. she doesn't get to behave horribly just because the circumstances in her life are bad.

sorrell · 03/10/2006 13:14

I don't think you are remotely selfish, Northerner. You are infinitely more forgiving than I would be under the circumstances. I wouldn't bother waiting for her to be ready to talk. sod her, frankly.

Original poster

Northerner · 04/10/2006 10:04

Quick update. Turns out her dp didn't have an operation after all. Apparantly they got to the hospital and they weren't expecting them, he wasn't booked in. MIL says hospital messed up.

Hmmm.....

OP posts:

Piffle · 04/10/2006 10:11

I think...She is your husbands mother. if he is not interested in maintaining the relationship then it certainly is not up to you - given the past circs Northerner.
But then I'm hard like that.

badkarma · 04/10/2006 10:33

I'd let her slide on!

Based on what I have read of her in the past, she is a selfish and insecure woman who needs not an ounce of support or loyalty from you.

Just mho though

shhhh · 04/10/2006 14:01

I don't think you are selfish northerner. IMO I wouldn't call and the fact you have sent a card is enough.
She obviously knows there is a problem as she hasn't called you YET she is ok to speak to sil. Surely if she wanted to continue the contact and to sort the relationship (if only for the time being) she could have contacted your dh.

I agree with piffle. I would leave things to your dh to sort.

Don't be so hardsh on yourself, you deserve better.

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