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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Once a cheater?

36 replies

butterbeerfloat · 15/10/2014 00:28

Have any of you ever moved on in a relationship from either an EA or physical one and got back to what you had?
I'd love to hear stories that prove it can be done. Also if it can't, I guess that may shake some sense into me.
New at this and would love insight into what life's like down the road from an affair.
Especially those that are married with children.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/10/2014 00:31

I am sorry you have been treated so shabbily by your husband.

My personal opinion is that once a cheater may not necessarily mean always a cheater but I would struggle mightily to get past the fact he gave himself permission to do it the first time.

AnyFucker · 15/10/2014 00:32

In other words, it is highly unlikely he would get the chance to do that to me again.

Much depends on exactly what he is doing now to prove himself though

HattyMonkey · 15/10/2014 00:33

Ok, do you mean move on as find someone who loves an cares for you or moves on within a EA? If the latter never. Wait a while and many wise women will tell you their stories very few of which end up them staying with their abusive partner.

Original poster

butterbeerfloat · 15/10/2014 00:39

Thank you, I'm still not sure of the ins and outs, whether its a friendship that's been kept from me or if anything has actually happened, from twitter stalking it seems like OW is obsessed with DH but the fact she texted his mobile today and he lied about who she was has made my mind go into overdrive and we haven't had a chance to talk about wtf is going on.

I'm about ready to pop our first child though and if where my mind has gone is really happening I just don't know what to do.

Sorry Hatty should have specified, so stayed with the partner who had wronged them and managed to get past it.

I don't want this to be the end, as far as I was concerned this morning we were a happy family-to-be. Certainly very contented couple. I feel broken.

OP posts:

clarinsgirl · 15/10/2014 00:40

Hatty, I think EA in this case refers to emotional affair rather than emotional abuse (though your answer may still stand!)

AnyFucker · 15/10/2014 00:40

Oh dear. Lying is a poor indicator of all being innocent.

Original poster

butterbeerfloat · 15/10/2014 00:42

Oh yes clarins is right there. I think at best it's an emotional affair, at worst a physical one.
In every other way he's been a perfect husband to me, I don't even know how to process some of the things I've seen on this twitter account.

OP posts:

clarinsgirl · 15/10/2014 00:44

I think you need to find out the facts. Until you know what is going on it's impossible for you to deal with it.

AmazonGrace · 15/10/2014 00:53

So sorry you're going through this.

I found out dp has cheated on me two and a bit years ago. We have one ds. My life as I knew it was broken. He was the last person J thought would do this. Posted on here at the time but under a different username.

Dp has turned himself around, he's proved himself and worked damn hard (and rightly so) to pick up the pieces of our relationship. I had my doubts that it would work but I have to say that it has, he's not the selfish, self centred, entitled idiot he once was (putting it mildly)

We laugh, we are very close, he's been extremely patient (had to be) in dealing with the ups and downs of the journey since but he knew the score when he begged me to forgive him, to give him another chance.

Relationships can work after betrayal but it's a hard road to travel, full of ups and downs but it can be worked on. We are very close now but I'm no pushover, he knows if this were to happen again that would be it, the end. I'm in a much better place too, I'm much more confident, I think (sadly) that this has hardened me and I won't be hurt in the same way ever again. I love dp, there are momentary 'flash backs' but they're nothing like in the beginning. Just moments that pass as quickly as they came.

Good luck op, hope whatever you decide works out for you x

Original poster

butterbeerfloat · 15/10/2014 01:01

clarins you're spot on about that, I really need to talk to him but his phone is dead and now I won't see him until morning. I know really I should just go to sleep but my mind is spinning.

Thank you so much for your reply Grace it really gives me hope. I want to do right by our son and I just want us to be a family, as happy as everything was to me anyway this morning.

But you're right AnyFucker about the lying, it sent major alarm bells to me so I put the number into facebook (not saved on his mobile so no name to search) and low and behold, she works at the same place he does and her twitter goes on and on about him, but seems to all be in a pining crush I wish he'd notice me sort of way, which makes me cling to the hope that it may just be one sided. She looks very young and immature and I just can't believe he would break up our family over this. Saying that, why lie? And we had a funny episode a few weeks ago where he wouldn't let me borrow his phone for the evening even though I was going into the city until late and my phone is broken

OP posts:

kirsten123 · 15/10/2014 01:12

It's not my choice but your words which stand out are:
"shake your sense into me" with regard to NOT being able to "move on" after an affair.
Ie I took it that you want MUMSNET to say you're being daft and selling yourself short?

kirsten123 · 15/10/2014 01:13

I'm not expressing myself well, OP, I'm sorry.

Original poster

butterbeerfloat · 15/10/2014 01:30

Sorry kirsten I'm not sure I understand your post, but I will reiterate,
I'm really clinging onto the thought that we can patch this up and continue our marriage and get back to being a happy family again, (once the facts have been covered as atm I literally have no idea what I'm dealing with), but I've never been through anything like this before and am hoping to hear more from those who have been through it to see if this hope of mine is naive.

Although I know everyone's circumstances are different, Grace has already made me feel like getting through it is a possibility.

I know really I need to be speaking to DH, I will be as soon as it's possible but now he's lied about her once it's worrying me how it's going to go tomorrow.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/10/2014 07:12

I think your first priority is to establish what is actually going on. It doesn't seem to be a safe conclusion that he's cheating yet. It's a possibility but if you're pregnant, sensitive and a woman is contacting him, he may think a white lie is better than plunging you into insecurity. Then again, what prompted you to find this out in the first place? Has his behaviour been suspicious in the run up? Have things been going badly?

Talk to each other perhaps?

Original poster

butterbeerfloat · 15/10/2014 18:10

Oh. He's been shagging her throughout my whole pregnancy. So I'd say that's a no for us then. Thank you for responses.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/10/2014 18:12

Oh shit. What a Godawful shock.

HerdyHerdwick · 15/10/2014 18:17

Oh no OP, that's awful.
When is your baby due?

Original poster

butterbeerfloat · 15/10/2014 18:21

End of next month. We're meant to be moving into a beautiful house next week, signing the paperwork on the 31st. Well I can't afford the place alone so it's beginning to look smarter to live in my Mum's guest room, with the baby, and our pets, so as not to be getting into massive debts.

As far as I was concerned we were blissfully happy. This was something I never thought he was capable of doing. He's always treated me like an absolute queen.

I really showed my class by screaming at OW today. But actually, she had no idea I was still in the picture. Knew I had been but he's been telling her awful stories about me and saying we're getting a divorce.

I don't know this man.

OP posts:

Suckitup · 15/10/2014 18:27

What a really horrible shock. I feel for you, especially with your baby on the way.

BonnetDeDouche · 15/10/2014 19:10

What a complete arse. So sorry that this is happening to you OP.

Original poster

butterbeerfloat · 15/10/2014 19:18

Thank you guys

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/10/2014 19:18

I am so sorry

HerdyHerdwick · 15/10/2014 19:22

You need to get some legal advice, do you feel up to doing that?
I know it's usually the last thing someone in this situation wants to do, but I think it's important to get advice before your baby is born.
What a horrible situation.

Original poster

butterbeerfloat · 15/10/2014 19:24

Now trying to sort out an STI check. What has my life become in the space of a day? Thanks AnyFucker I still feel like I'm going to wake up from this nightmare at some point.
I'm having a good talk with DMiL at the mo and she's really supportive. thinks shes ashamed shes raised such an absolute shit

OP posts:

Original poster

butterbeerfloat · 15/10/2014 19:25

Googling it as we speak Herdy thanks, but I'm so tired right now from crying all day and night I may come back to it properly later.

OP posts:

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