Hello. I never post on here but need some unbiased advice and to get this off my chest.
We’ve been married for 15 years. Before we met my DH lived in a European city for five years where there was a close ex pat community and he had a three relationships with British women over that time, including with a married woman. Her split finally came after he returned to UK, nothing to do with him. He has maintained a friendship with her all this time, which I have felt was always one sided, ie he does the inviting she hardly makes contact eg even when in our town visiting her brother. He is not close to his family but certain friendships from the past are important to him.
DH returns to this city every 6-9 months for work, she still lives there. We have 3 children & I work too so I stay home – I have been a few times but it’s not easy as we have poor childcare. This is how they have maintained their friendship, when perhaps for other people it might have faded away.
I am a jealous person and I have accommodated this friendship for 15 yrs + but in recent years it has got me down, she is very popular in this wider friendship group and with his colleagues – they meet up socially. I’m jealous of her lively personality and good looks and as well as the sympathy he gives to her problems (divorce, dealing with children and elderly parents).
Even though he knows I don’t like him seeing her, earlier this year he invited her and other people for a weekend in a rental house at the coast after a work trip, but hid from me she was going, and texted me when she arrived pretending it was a surprise, that she had come with others in the group. I went to his emails and found his email to her inviting her along before he left the UK.
When he came home I confronted him – he was sorry, he got in a muddle cos he knew I wouldn't like her going! I know there is no sexual relationship between them – I just hate it that he cares about her so much, and also that at one point in their lives she cheated on her husband with him. I don’t want her in his life any more. But it’s awkward. If he tells her he can’t see her any more the whole group will find out and people will think I’m paranoid and it makes me feel ashamed. One thing about all this is I think me and DH don’t get enough time on our own – don’t have enough fun – yet she benefits from these trips. I have told him this. I have to say though, otherwise we are happy, it's just this rears its head up around his work trips.
After the coast trip I asked him – and he agreed – not to see her on his own, not to initiate contact. He just returned from a trip there and saw her only briefly for dinner in the larger group. He says he doesn’t like me being upset about it but he doesn’t know what to do. I hate asking him – how long was she there – did you go on for drinks elsewhere etc etc although I have asked him to be open he doesn’t tell me unless I ask. Today she’s emailed asking for his help with a fundraising project. I’ve had enough. I just want her to go away.
Thanks everyone.